Saturday, August 16, 2014

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? How about the AGS Panic Challenge?

These ALS Ice Bucket challenges are sweeping the nation.  I'd be willing to wager that only 15% of the participants know that ALS is an acronym for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.  I'd bet that 50% of them probably know it as Lou Gehrig's disease.  And I'm pretty sure that 35% are just dumping buckets of ice water on their head so they can put their footage on facebook or youtube.

Here's an ice bucket challenge from a local Wheeling celebrity and his hound.  He nailed it w/ a Moonshine > Bud can > Bucket > Hulkamania.  I'll post the video if it becomes available.  Until then, this picture will have to suffice.

Next up... NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  More polished and predictably less interesting.

There's another viral video sensation.  It's a little more "low brow," but it's even more mesmerizing.  Yep, that is correct.  The "fuck her right in the pussy" spontaneous diatribe - it's helping to bridge the gap between obnoxious bravado and mainstream idiocy.

If that suits your fancy, here's a more substantive compilation...

As usual, my mind tends to wander toward preventing human stampedes --- specifically, raising awareness regarding obsolete venue emergency evacuation protocol.  Newsflash: many football stadiums have between 50,000 - 100,000 active cell phones.  If someone had the nefarious intent, he/she could easily infiltrate enough of these miniature supercomputers and reek absolute havoc.  Ahhh yes, the unexplored downside of NFL commissioner's superconnectivity "living room" experience.

SO.  Here's my spin on the ALS "Ice Bucket" Challenge.  I call it the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  For those of you who've been living underneath a crick rock, AGS stands for Artificially Generated Stampede.

Here are the requirements.  You'll need 3 people and 2 cell phones.  All 3 individuals must be in a large, confined crowd (stadium, ballpark, motor speedway, amphitheater, etc.).  In my mind, this scenario unfolds at an NFL stadium, but any crowded venue will do just fine.  The first person will be filming the interaction between "panic victim" and "voice of reason person." 

Panic victim can be a male, but I think it works better if it's a girl.  We'll call her Brittany.  She'll be sitting in her seat, minding her own business, scrolling through her phone, completely oblivious to the action on the field.  Brittany's more concerned about the "real" world.  She's updating her status, telling people how she just bought a $10 draft beer, alerting her followers that she's the #1 Browns fan in the world, posting duckface selfie - you get the drift - we've seen it a gazillion times.  Any activity that complies with mindless self-absorption and ineffective narcissism.

She's staring into that phone like a guy at the DMV eying up a Marlboro Light as if it were a t-bone steak.  All of a sudden, Brittany gets an "emergency stadium evacuation order" from her cell.  It could be a phone call from her bestie.  It might be a message from a hacked reverse 9/11 platform.  Maybe it's the deliberate misuse of a campus text alert system or a twitter post from someone she trusts.  It could be any number of things... even a threat that rhymes with the name "Tom."

Predictably, Britanny begins to freak the fuck out.  She jumps to her feet spilling her cheesy fries and other miscellaneous transgendered fats.  She starts screaming her face off.  Shrieking her head off.  Peeling her mascara off.  I'm thinking something along these lines...

That's a slew of "god your my saviors."  For a second I thought I was at the Chrisagis Brothers Bull Riding Championship.  Brief tangent --- there really needs to be a movie called "The Passion of the Chrisagis."  Note to self: write a rough script.  Brittany could go for any number of "scared shitless" utterances.
  • We're all gonna die!
  • We've got to get the fuck outta here. NOW!
  • OMG!  There's a bomb filled with anthrax!
Alright, now it's up to "voice of reason" person.  We'll call him Toby.  Toby immediately springs into action.  His sole mission.  Get her to instantly calm down.  At any cost whatsoever.

He could be like, "What the fuck's the matter with you?  Legit evac orders don't come from cell phones.  They use the public address system.  Any idiot knows that.  Now shut the fuck up you Britanny brisket eating bitch!"     

Or he might grab his terrible towel and muffle her face, "Listen, you stupid piece of shit!  Yer gonna spook the crowd and set off a stampede.  What are trying to do?  Incite a riot and get us all killed?"  "No competent incident commander would ever issue an emergency evacuation via individual cell phones."

Maybe Toby could dump his beer on Brittany's head (a la ALS Ice Bucket challenge) or stuff a giant glob of cotton candy in her mouth.  Then, try to engage her in a rational conversation about the dangers of herding instincts and "line of sight" theory.

Any of these responses could work, preferably ones laced with profanity and a vicious, tactical berating.  Get creative.  Explore your outer comfort zone and don't listen to this bald fucko.

So that's my idea for the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  With football season underway, now is the time.  If any douchebag security tells you to stop filming, explain to them how you're committed to REAL matters of stadium safety, a realm far beyond tangible weaponry and clear plastic bags.  How you're stepping up to the plate and addressing an asymmetric national security issue.  It's one the NFL, NCAA, federal government and everyone else is too cowardly to delve into.

Most important, post your interpretive video and make it go viral.  Working together, we can prevent the stampedes before they commence.   Mass crush asphyxiation is not an acceptable outcome.  Or even worse, being physically ejected off the upper tier of the stadium rotunda.  Probably the more comfortable way to die, but still rather unsettling.

I give humanity the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  I'm sure someone out there will thank me.

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