Here's an excerpt from this mornings Sunday News Register in Wheeling, WV.
At 12:55am Saturday, police arrested M. White, 74, of Wheeling for driving under the influence at an undisclosed location.
At first glance, this probably doesn't seem like headline material. Think again. Let's journey back in time to earlier that morning. I'm at my friend Gigi's house in Pittsburgh presumably minding my own business. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing incessantly three times in a row. Sensing an emergency, I scramble downstairs. It's my good friend Heather (her last name rhymes with Holla!).
"Eric, around 2am last night a 72 year old woman drove through your lawn and ended up in your neighbor's pool! Call Gary. He has all the details."
I'm stunned, bewildered, confused, flabbergasted... Overcome with a torrent of emotions, I want answers. How could this happen? How the hell do you even get a car into my yard, let alone my neighbor's pool? Heather doesn't have any answers though.
I get back home mid-afternoon to assess the damage. What I'm about to see is eerily reminiscent of the Shock and Awe campaign during the early days of the Iraq war. My lawn has been mercilessly attacked in what appears to be some twisted form of vehicular sodomization. There are mammoth ruts on the hillside all the way down to the yard. Highly visible tire marks scar the entire length of the lawn. Sheer horror.
I"m like WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, she was trying to turn around in the 3 point turn near my garage and failed miserably. She slid down the hill and ended up next to my fire pit (I currently call it stick mountain). Dazed and confused, I guess she sees the blue tarp covering Bill's pool. I'm assuming she thought, "Oh, praise the lord. Dear Jesus. Goodness gracious. I can see a wrap around driveway in the distance. Thank goodness. Heavens to Betsy." Needless to say, she drives across the tarp and the car starts to sink. Basically, her car met the same fate as Captain Ed's Floating Lounge. What happened next is a matter of pure speculation.
She obviously left the scene. Not sure if she knocked on Bill's door or what. I'm guessing she gathered her wits and called her son. Later that night, the cops showed up to survey the scene. Multiple towing companies show up. And I guess things got a little heated. I wasn't there, but I'm speculating that Meowee was terrified. She's not used to all this kind of stimulus. And Meowee still seems traumitized. Last night, all she could do was sit on the edge of the couch and gaze out the window. She probably blames herself. Meowee, it's not your fault.
I notice in the newspaper it reads "undisclosed location." Undisclosed location??? Undisclosed location my ass. She undisclosed herself all over my yard and hillside. Then she undisclosed herself in Bill's pool.
I just want the truth to come out. Wheeling is notorious for shady political cover-ups. Well, I've got news for the Whites. There's a new head honcho in town and he's BLACK, not white. His name's Obama and we're doing things differently now. There will be transparency from here on out.
Since I'm advocating full disclosure, I must tell you that Gil White was the realtor I bought my house from. Not my realtor, he represented the previous owners. Could it be that I'm the victim of some kind of conspiracy. For five years, the Whites have been plotting. They know I couldn't stand the Bush administration. They know I love Obama. So Gil encourages his mom to do doughnuts in my yard. All the while, she's thinking "I'll show this burn-out what a real burn-out is!" The whole incident really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, that's right - bad taste on and around my mouth.
Like I said, there will be full disclosure. I'm going down to the police station tomorrow to check the police report and seek reparations form her insurance carrier. I'm guessing the length of the tire marks in the yard is about 150 ft. The hillside has been sodomized as well. Probably about 50 ft of homo-erotic mutilation. I'm also concerned about the emotional well-being of Meowee. And what about my pain and suffering. Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. This could have long lasting ramifications on my limo career.
Anyway, I'll gladly be accepting predictions on how much money I'll get from her insurance. Closest prediction wins a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt. It's NOT closest without going over. I still hear about the change speculation incident via Merl.
And I almost forgot the best part. There are pictures of the car in the pool on somebody's cell phone. This could be a turning point in my personal blogging history as I will certainly learn how to upload these pics once I get my hands on them.