Monday, April 20, 2009


Did you see the youtube video of the two idiots that posted themselves picking their noses and incorporating the snot within the pizza crust? I didn't watch the video but did see the clip on MSNBC. Far be it from me to support a right wing extremist pizza chain, but the incident did spark my interest - strictly from the perspective of it being a public relations disaster. It's fascinating that your company could donate millions to charities, spend time with community projects and perform other philanthropic activities. Then, in one earth-shattering moment, your entire brand and status is dismantled because of the actions of some dipshit in Boone, North Carolina or wherever that happened.
Obviously, fast food chains are particularly vulnerable here. They employ millions of minimum wager earners, most of whom do not have a vested interest in the company. The finger tip in the Wendy's chili incident in California a few years ago was kind of similar. It didn't impact me much because I really like their chili, but I'm sure it deterred many other chili enthusiasts. What about the idiot in Moundsville who stuck his pubes on the Wendy's burger and gave it to the cop? Seems like a disturbing trend has emerged.
Anyway, I got to thinking last night (always a dangerous scenario). What if an internet rumor started online about a McDonald's employee who referred to himself as "The Cumburglar," or I prefer, simply "Cumburglar." He's a "supposedly" fictitious McDonald's grillman that ejaculates into the cheeseburgers. Nobody knows which McDonald's he works at. Could be here in Wheeling. Could be Zanesville, Ohio. Could be in Shanghai, China. Simply put, nobody knows. He has a blog and a credible, realistic myspace page. In the blog, he shares his proclivity for ejaculating into a variety of food items. He often tries to coincide his ejaculative posts when they introduce a new burger or McShake or McNugget dipping sauce or whatever.
My point - wouldn't the public relations people at McDonald's pay huge bucks to squash something like this? If I was the CEO, I'd be willing to go monetary extremes to make sure this never sees the light of day. Interestingly enough, McDonald's is one of the few Fortune 500 companies that has seen its stock rise significantly during the recent recession.
Could you imagine??? What if Cumburglar posted a youtube video that gets immediately removed (for violating the obscenity rules)? But the video is then circulated virally and via email forwards. It could potentially be the most devastating PR nightmare a Fortune 500 company has ever faced. I'm trying to think of one that could top this and I'm left blank. Nike using Indonesian child/slave labor to mass produce sneakers comes to mind. Or should I say "cums" to mind.
By the way, I think Domino's Pizza totally sucks. Assuming you have alternative choices, why the fuck would anyone buy Domino's?
If you gave Cumburglar some phallic attire, that would lend even more credibility to this mythical hero. He'd obviously wear some kind of mask like the original Hamburglar guy in order to conceal his identity. I guess you'd probably want him to wear a McDonald's uniform but with a "special twist" of some kind. Any ideas out there for speculative garb?

1 comment:

sonofsaf said...

I just like the idea of everyone in the U.S. talking about "Cumburglar." Ohhh, did you see that Cumburglar struck again? He's diabolical! How could he be so disgustingly evil! I wish Guantanamo was still open. Cumburglar is a fast food terrorist!