Saturday, May 22, 2010

doritos systempunkt

A friend of mine recently forwarded me a printable attachment for a FREE bag of Doritos - any flavor, any size (up to a $5.00 retail value). Here's how I would encourage a youthful, enterprising bum or broke college kid to spend a Saturday afternoon. First, go to Wheeling Jesuit University and print out 100 sheets of coupons. That's 6 coupons per sheet - thus a grand total of 600 coupons. In fact, I say fuck it and print the damn things out til the printer loses all toner or runs out of paper, whichever happens first. Alright, now you're armed with the world's first low grade "couponic weapons."

Phase 2 - Hang out in the chip aisle of various retail establishments. I'm thinking first and foremost - WALMART and then hit some of the lesser trafficked stores (Kroger, Target, gas stations, CVS, Rite Aid, etc.). If you see anyone contemplating purchasing a bag of chips, tell them you'll sell them a coupon for $1.00. Almost every normal person carries a dollar bill on them. I would think most would succumb. Especially if you give them a brief (possibly fictitious) hard luck story. College kids can say they're doing it as some kind of frat/hazing stunt and they aren't allowed back to campus until they get $50 worth of coupons sold for this evenings kegger. That's a tremendous story line because it's fun, evokes a minor amount of sympathy and is less annoying then the straight up panhandling approach.

Alright, here's the hard, cold truth. Eventually, someone is going to spill the beans and the manager is going to kick your ass outta there. But in the meantime, I'm assuming you could make 20 sales or so if you're not a loud-talker and have a decent work ethic. Basically, once you get kicked out you're just off to the next retail establishment. The bigger the store, the better as you would trend less conspicuous.

I'm thinking after expenses (mainly time, gasoline and a little wear and tear on your vehicle), on a good afternoon you could make somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 bucks or so. Plus, you could probably convince a few people to use their kids and sell them multiple coupons. Hell, you could try to encourage the Doritos "variety is the spice of life closeout special" - you sell them 10 coupons for $5 bucks and let them get every flavor variety over time (this would necessitate multiple visits). And in the year 2010, I've never seen so many different flavors. 10 might be a bit high. 8 sounds more likely. Incidentally, my favorite is the mix bag with the Pizza Cravers/Ranch. And Doritos are slightly healthier than most other chips.

This reminds me of a tale from my high school years. Jepsonian and I would hang outside Listening Booth - a record/cassette store at the Ohio Valley Mall. They had this promotion all summer where you would get these certificates that filled out a larger redemption sheet for a free cassette. The more money you spent, the more coupons you got. So we'd approach these random strangers exiting the store and ask them if they were going to use their coupons. "Hey, can we have them? We're so close to getting a free cassette, we can taste it." In fact, on a busy day we'd often split up and run people down. Half the time, people would hand them over. The other half would not. This one afternoon we did some killer business. Over the course of a few hours, we managed to fill out 6 sheets. That meant a strong redemption of 6 brand new cassettes tapes. We were in heaven. In the day, that was about 60 or 70 bucks worth of heavy metal. Overkill, Nuclear Assault, Testament... etc. You get the mindset.

Anyway, this salesbitch from Merry-Go-Round eventually ratted us out. Why she would do this still I have no idea whatsoever? Jealousy, I suppose. She was probably angry we weren't using the coupon sheets for her favorite Stacy Q or the latest Jermaine Stewart cassette. We were pissed off! I do recall yelling mild obscenities into the store and trying to dissuade shoppers from entering that place.

Anyway, on the ride home from the mall, I popped in a brand new King Diamond tape called "Them." The song "Tea" evoked chills! Yes grandma, it's always time for tea. For some unknown reason, Jepsonian wanted to save the cassette cellophane wrapping. To do this day, I have no idea. When I asked him why (at the time), he mumbled, "Ahhh, you'd probably think it's stupid."

So I'd like to think we were pretty successful in the first ever known Listening Booth systempunkt. Soon after, their corporate headquarters ended the marketing promotion. It brings a tear to my eye to think it might have been a direct result of that fateful afternoon. 20+ years later, I'd like to see someone follow in our footsteps. Dare to dream.

Incidentally, I printed out a bunch of the coupons. If you see me, ask for a few. I'll have them in my car. Tell your friends.


sonofsaf said...

FUCK! I just went searching for the link and saw the whole thing is a hoax via Some "evildoer" must have come up with the idea. I must say though, nice job. the coupon looks sharp. SAF

sonofsaf said...

OK. NOW I'VE GOT!!!! The Doritos bit is a fake, right? Try this on for size...

Right now, everyone on the planet absolutely despises BP because of the oil spill in the gulf. Wouldn't it be absolutely insane to circulate online a coupon for a free gallon of gas with any purchase $20+ of gasoline at any participating BP service station.

People would line up at the BP's to participate in this "Goodwill consumer promotion." After they fill up they'd be informed by the cashier that it's just an internet coupon hoax. GOD DAMN! That would really piss people off and lead to further anger, and perhaps minimal vandalism.

Imagine that scenario. You're one of those bean-counter types that just went out of their way to fill up at the "evil" gas station in an attempt to save $3.00 and you end up helping boost BP's bottom line and stave off their immediate financial woes. Even worse, I doubt all their cashiers have the sensitivity training to deal with the fallout from a myriad of inflamed, irate customers.

No "corporate responsibility/feel good ad" in the USA Today is going to mitigate that kind of long-term hatred. Now that's what I would call a corporate systempunkt of the highest order!

BP's stock has fallen from $60 to around $40 during the last month. You could implement my plan and short the stock even more. Kind of risky though as it's currently at a 52 week low. Maybe you could force a bribe/pay-off scenario if you knew the right people at British Petroleum. Not much BP sympathy out there these days.

sonofsaf said...

Now, this whole thing has got my brain spinning. What the fuck is to prevent someone from executing a massive "fake coupon" wave over the internet?
Sure, they get informed at the register that this one's real, this one's fake. Blah blah blah. But imagine all the time wasted and lingering corporate resentment left behind. Especially on behalf of the elderly women coupon clipping populace. And that kind of anger is tangible at the retirement complex in South Florida.
With the advent of spam email lists and the accompanying endless fwds, you could do a real number on corporate America. If I were a "nerd terrorist" who didn't have the balls/ovaries to blow myself up, I'd probably go this rout. You would be hailed as a hero. Well perhaps on the unpaved streets of Peshawar.

Seriously though, with all these computer viruses out there - what's really the difference. And it would take far LESS technological proficiency. Basically, just a high end copying and pasting job. Your design framework is already established and readily available.

I might do a fugazi coupon for Domino's Pizza just because they're a bunch of pro-life extremist right wing fundamentalist fuckheads. All the toppings you want on any extra large pizza. Toppings you say? Fuck yeah, top that.

sonofsaf said...

This systempunkt I've laid out could bring an end, or at the very least, accelerate and facilitate the demise of entire "coupon business model." The coupon shit is kind of outdated anyway.

I'm begging. Someone out there, try and pull this off. Just make sure you give me the credit. This one's nearly as diabolical as my Superbowl systempunkt. Best of all, no body count.

Just another example of the pitfalls of 1st amendment/freedom of speech in an increasingly technological environment. Remember the ultimate Safism - there's balance in everything. It's time for some economic blowback from the scourge of coupons. They have been printed and redeemed for far too long. This ain't the 1950's anymore and I ain't no Marion Cunningham.

Larry said...

Tea is kickass. That's in my King Diamond top 5 for sure.

Anonymous said...

I think you should still hand out the coupons. Maybe hand them out on campus or at bars.


Anonymous said...

Larry - Yes, the falsetto cries of "Tea" are an American Idolaters dream.

G - I'll take your request under advisement.