Monday, September 27, 2010

5 additional #1 rankings...

I did a little google research and discovered 5 more ways where the USA is the undisputed champ. Please keep in mind, this is a number one ranking out of 195 contending countries.

1) Most lawyers. Yep, I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "First, let's kill all the lawyers." This would bode poorly for my brother Bennett who is about to argue or currently arguing a case before the Colorado Supreme Court. Some mega-land owner in northern Colorado, is being forced by an oil and gas company to relinquish his property rights via some kind of eminent domain procedure. Bennett thinks the guy has a good case. Anyway, in the United States there's 1 lawyer for every 265 people. We easily outdistance Brazil 1/322 and New Zealand comes in a surprising third at 1/391. I had no idea the citizens of New Zealand were so litigious. I wonder if West Virginia is the #1 state in lawyers per capita. I'd be surprised if it's not. We should change our state motto to "West Virgnia - Welcome to the Judicial Hell Hole." I like that better than "Open for Business" or "Wild, Wonderful." It just sounds cooler.

2) Most guns. Yes! Despite the notion that Obama is going to take away your guns, the Unites States has 90 guns (civilian ownership) for every 100 people. For the sake of god, that means nearly every citizen in our country has a gun. India comes in second with 4 guns per 100 people. And China has a paltry 3:100 ratio. I just find it interesting because of the huge disparity. So as of right now, there's about 270 million guns in the hands of citizens. So if you're truly worried about the administration overturning the 2nd Amendment, perhaps you need a simple reality check.

Incidentally, the anti-SAF bumper sticker on my car (it has the word SAF in an oval circle withe a red line through it - kind of like a ghostbusters bumper sticker) is actually from an anti-second amendment group. My theory goes something like this. Deer hunter in jacked up, thoroughly rusted 1982 Chevy pick-up truck with loud dual exhaust and Yosemite Sam mud flaps that say "BACK OFF" sees the anti-SAF logo. He thinks to himself, "Yeah, I hate that Saf guy too. He's an asshole. I need one of those stickers next to my McCain/Palin 2008 sticker." Possessing no knowledge of the internet search engine, he has 50 of them custom designed and gives them to all his friends he saw at the Toby Keith concert (It's the following morning at the mudbogs in Viola). They all unite and stick them on their trucks. Little do they know, they are condemning themselves in a gesture of "double reversal irony." They are accidentally disavowing their gun rights and condemning every inner fiber of their being. In keeping with this irony, let it be known that I have no problem with the right to bear arms or common sense gun laws.

3) Most Jews. The United States has the world's largest population of Jews. We have 5.8 million, whereas Israel has 4.8 million. France is a distant third with 600,000. Iraq was at the bottom of the list with 180. Not sure where they got that number from. Mohammed Al Schwartz and Jamir Abdullah Goldstein must have had many wives.

Could you possibly surmise that we have the greatest number of religious circumcision ceremonies? Quite possible. Yes, I realize it's a routine procedure unless you're a porn star with a foot long cock. I went to a Bris (Brit Milah) back in high school. What a fucking barbaric procedure to celebrate and embrace based on some bizarre biblical passage. I'll never forget the proud grandfather offering shots of rye. His face was welled up with tears. Oh, the pride he must have felt recalling Abraham, Isaac or whoever the fuck was promoting castration back in the day. And we find the genital mutilation practiced in Africa disgusting. Who are we to condemn? I suppose there are varying degrees of brutality. Seriously, why would any human, with the exception of a self-hating dyke, want to sew a vagina shut. Isn't that counter productive - especially in Africa where "volume reproduction" seems to be all the rage.

4) Most Miss Universe winners. The U.S. has 7. Venezuala has 6. As a friend of mine might say, "the fix was in." Isn't the damn thing always held in Vegas or Atlantic City? Isn't Donald Trump always one of the judges? Seriously, out of 195 countries... Well, let me readjust that to about 150. I doubt Yemen or Saudi Arabia sent a representative. Personally, I'd like to see an Afghan beauty pageant where all the contestants wore full blown burkas. I've often thought it would be an amusing sociological experiment to wear a Steelers black & gold burka to the game. Maybe I'll do it this Sunday at the Baltimore game. I could stand up with my sign. "Repressed Afghan seeks Miracle ticket." I'm sure someone would cough up a freebie.
Instead I'll probably go with the Billy Cundiff sign. He's my favorite NFL kicker. The "d" in Cundiff turns into a "t" when you flip up the cardboard. Very subtle.

5) And in typical American fashion, we have the most UFO sightings per capita. No other country even comes close. This seems reasonable considering we are the most medicated country. We love our god(s), scoff at science, yet embrace science fiction. We like airplanes but get skiddish at the thought of flying saucers. I've always liked the idea that aliens are little green people with huge heads and wide-open eyes. I wonder if there's any correlation with the Mr. Yuck creator.

Anyhoo, these are 5 distinct areas where the United States can claim absolute superiority without question. Lawyers, guns, Jews, Miss Universe winners and UFO sightings. So the next time Sarah Palin tugs at the heartstrings of her faithful with a resounding - "we are the greatest country in the world!!!" - and the fever pitched crowd offers up a thundering ovation... I implore you to just keep in mind these 5 unusual areas of greatness. Also, please recall the other 10 I invoked in my prior two blog entries. That's enough USA bashing for now. Seriously, I love it here.

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