Well, the big day is almost upon us. I am completely fascinated, disgusted and amused by the pastor Terry Jones and his "Burn a Koran" day to commemorate the events of Sept. 11. Odd that anything could evoke this trio of emotions.
I'm fascinated that he has gotten so much publicity. After all, I've advocated the burning of religious texts for the past few years. With the exception of Stollar, nobody showed much interest. For the record, she was opposed. What I found more intriguing was the statement from General David Petraus. He claimed it could undermine the war effort in Afghanistan. And that does make sense. Of course, our invasion and occupation of the most xenophobic country on the planet earth for the past 9 years could also be a factor. Regardless, the Obama team must have realized that they don't need Barack wading into this one like he did with the ground zero mosque. So they had Petraus make a statement. At least they got that one right.
I'm disgusted by the awesome power and influence held by ministers and faith healers. No matter how many children these weirdos molest. No matter how many times they are discredited by scientists and others who pursue rational thought. No matter how many bizarro sex scandals they perpetrate or fall victim to. No matter how many people they defraud of their lifetime savings. There's always this endless segment of the population who need spoon fed their daily dose of spirituality. If they don't get that Sunday church in, they have these withdrawal pangs. Now with cigarettes and heroin, I get it. But Jesus or Mohammad??? I do not. Maybe if I were stuck in one of those infamous backstage Maury Povich green rooms with an atheist sexy decoy. Then. Then maybe I would succumb to the foul temptress aka organized religion.
Of course the whole thing is so ludicrous. The idea that people will riot, loot and be inspired to kill other humans based on the behavior of some imbecile in Gainesville, Florida. Of course who can forget the cartoonist in Denmark that drew a depiction of Allah and it set off mass riots in Pakistan. Just the notion that a consistent segment of the population could have their collective identity so intrinsically wrapped around all this religious silliness is a testament to the backwardness of mankind. Seriously, what fucking century is this? Doesn't this Koran burning stunt sound like the Salem witch trials revisited?
It made me wonder if I could evoke a similar response. What if Saf, the atheist Jew decides to burn a stack of bibles? Could that set off an angry mob of corpulent Southern Baptists in Duluth, Georgia. Maybe I could take credit for them looting and torching a Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop. That sounds like a reasonable analogy. If an angry Pakastani mob is willing to burn the U.S. embassy in Islamabad based on this Dove Outreach "Burn a Koran" day, I should be able to get a bunch of born-agains riled up. And I think the number of bibles I burn should be directly proportional to the amount of devastation that results.
Let's say I decide to burn 1 bible. This should result in someone taunting a Lady Gaga impersonator and/or your standard drag queen outside a gay bar.
Let's say I burn 100 bibles. I think this would be the equivalent of calling for the bombing of an abortion clinic.
Here comes the big one... I burn 1,000 bibles. Well according to Hammurabi's code (you know, the "eye for an eye" guy) and rooted in deep Judeo-Christian values, the only logical response would be to detonate a nuclear weapon over San Fransisco, California. You could take out Nancy Pelosi and all the Communist fags and freedom hating socialists in one fail swoop. That sounds reasonable to me. Just an aside, I've heard the term "Commie fags" before but I have no idea where. I might google it.
Kidding aside, I'm completely fascinated by what might transpire. I'm curious to see if the pastor Jones capitulates and calls it off. He has really backed himself into a corner with all these cable news interviews. If my 40 years have taught me anything, it is this - the more pious a person claims to be, the more obstinate he will be. I suspect he'll go through with it. I'm also curious to see what kind of bonfire we're talking about. Will it be a few tiny smoldering logs? I doubt it - I'm hoping for a boatload of skids. How his actions will be portrayed by Al-Jazeera flooded rural Pakistan, war-ravaged Iraq or by the Iranian cleric Ayatollah-Al-Sistanni are intriguing. Could this idiot, 2-bit pastor really have concocted a plan for creating simultaneous epic systemic disruptions and mass chaos across the Middle East? Doubtful. But could his Koran burning stunt result in some limited rioting and have the potential for casualties? Quite Possible. Especially with the week long build-up and significance of the burn day. I think it falls at the end of Ramadan. I might be wrong. Does it really matter? Every single god-damn day on this planet has some kind of religious significance. Hell, this Saturday probably marks the day when Abraham begat Ezekial. Good thing WVU plays Friday night. Stop up for the game. And feel free to bring the religious text or symbol of your choosing. Trust me - I'm an equal opportunist. Just nothing Chrisagii related. That would be blasphemous and I will not tolerate it.