Benny Hinn returns to the Burgh

On April 18, 2003 (back in my pre-blogging days), the world's wealthiest televangelist, Benny Hinn, came to Mellon Arena for one of his famed miracle crusades. I decided to launch a counter protest at the venue. My goal was clearly stated - Demand an apology from Mellon Bank President Martin McGuinn and an assurance that Benny Hinn would not be permitted back in the future. I thought the mission statement of Mellon Bank was incompatible with the objectives of a faith healer/con artist. My theory - if you purchase the naming rights to a venue, you have an overriding responsibility to the public to ensure that the event "reasonably conforms" to community standards. For example, I seriously doubt Mellon Bank would want their good name affiliated with a Neo-Nazi rally or a KKK function at the now defunct Mellon Arena.

So I rented a van and assembled a rag-tag group of about 10 protesters. We displayed signs and coated the parking lots with anti-Hinn literature. The "protest" was a mild success. Believe it or not, it was the lead story on all 3 Pittsburgh news channels (KDKA, WPXI & WTAE). However, we never got the apology from the Mellon President. And we were shuffled off arena property. I do think I got my point across though. You simply cannot have faith healers exploiting taxpayer funded municipal buildings. They belong in circus tents aka the carnival circuit.

Anyway, 8 years has passed and many things have changed. One thing that has not changed is my utter contempt for Benny Hinn and others of his ilk. Despite my attempt to neutralize this billionaire predator, he still sends me junk email. So I was flabbergasted when I saw that Benny Hinn is making his triumphant return to Pittsburgh on Thursday Sept. 1 (7pm) and 2 "shows" on Friday, Sept. 2. This fuckhead will be appearing at the Soldiers & Sailors Hall on the University of Pittsburgh campus in what is hailed as a "Fire Conference." Ooooh, I like the sound of that. What the hell is a "fire" conference. Let me give you a hint. If you don't give him money, you'll burn in the fiery pits of eternal damnation. It's the same old song and dance. Prey on the naive and terminally ill, while Benny Hinn laughs all the way to the bank (perhaps Mellon Bank).

Granted, Hinn's stature has been relegated a bit over the years. He still has an enormous television presence but has scaled back on the number and size of touring crusades. Thus, a much smaller venue this time around - probably a capacity of about 3,000.

Anyhoo, for those unfamiliar with Benny, he is a tall, thin Hispanic man. And he has a penchant for wearing these expensive all-white Italian suits. Unfortunately, he also has a state of the art security contingency which rivals that of the Secret Service. You can probably see where I'm going with this.

It is my desire to "tar and feather" this con artist. In the old days, tarring and feathering was quite popular. Usually, not designed to seriously injure, just to publicly humiliate. Adulterous women were often the recipient of this unusual style of punishment. Kind of like wearing a scarlet letter. Also, political dissidents would be routinely tarred, feathered and paraded around the town square. It's logical to conclude that the time has returned for a good 'ol fashioned T & F.

You could smuggle in some maple syrup (compliments of G Mo from the annual maple sugaring event at Oglebay Park's Schrader Environmental Center - it's going on right now as we speak... or as I type I suppose). I would load it in either small squeeze Aunt Jemima bottles or miniature Super-Soaker type weapons. You would have to dilute it with a sufficient amount of water and then add the requisite black dye.
I AM TAR MAN (see... like Tom Hanks in Castaway - "I AM FIRE MAN. I HAVE CREATED FIRE," etc. blah).

I will require 2 volunteers. One needs to spray this "tar-like" solution on Benny Hinn. Then, while another is filming this debacle, I come out of nowhere with a garbage bag full of feathers (most likely extracted out of stolen pillows from Wilson Lodge). BAM! That fuckhead gets a modern day tar and feathering. All the while, the whole thing is immediately posted on youtube. Of course, there is a downside to all of this. We all get manhandled by his security and have to spend the night in jail. I recommend bringing mace to defend thyself. Probably end up with disorderly conducts and destruction of property (his near $5,000 suit). I doubt he'd have the balls to press charges though. But yes, this would most likely entail some jail time.

The other option is to go and disrupt the fire conference with air horns. Assemble your teams and spread out. Just when things start to heat up (it being a fire conference and all), you blast Benny with simultaneous blares. This is really more of a feel-good deal. Doesn't really accomplish much. The upside, no jail time.

Anyway, I'm open to other suggestions. This Benny Hinn shit is going down right before the WVU home opener on September 3. If I were to meet my demise in a potential artificially generated surge at Mountaineer Field... Well, I say fuck it - I'm going out in style with a pre-Hinn Wolfman Berzerker blitz that would please both Jay and Silent Bob.