As the presidential campaign heats up, I have devised an "underground" strategy for those who strongly oppose the election of Mitt Romney. It's dark, murky and it literally stinks to high heaven...
This is not the silly, figurative interpretation that Bill Maher unveiled a few months ago (note the ball cap):
Hey, even though I like Maher, let's be honest. Anyone can write up a comedy sketch. Mitt is full of shit. Don't be a Mitt-Wit. I'm at my Mitt's end. It's just too damn easy. But there's a huge difference here. His motto was "Mitt's the Shit." My slogan - "Mitt IS Shit." Less room for innuendo and misinterpretation. Much more straightforward.
What I have in mind is a more dynamic, hardcore approach. I want voters to get physically involved. I want passion. I want grassroots political activism. As summer winds down, I want the swing states to spring alive this fall (Vivaldi). So here's my idea -
Anyone opposed to a Mitt Romney presidency should do the following:
1) Acquire an official "Believe in America" Romney bumper sticker from his website.
or better yet
Go to your local Republican campaign headquarters. They'll be more than happy to give you a stack and it makes a lot more sense for what I'm about to propose.
2) Plaster those bumper stickers on every toilet, every port-a-jon, every urinal (in northern WV we call 'em pissers) - anything intrinsically related to Mitt Romney being associated with actual, verifiable urine and excrement. Every hotel lobby restroom, every fast food bathroom, every port-a-jon at every god damn Steelers game. I think you get the gist. Think of it as kind of like a renegade Obamolympics. And speaking of the recently concluded Olympics, check out Jamal stick the landing.
Rest assured, you will be judged based on the following:
A. Creativity - points awarded for innovation. Maybe you placed the "Rom" part of the bumper sticker on the outwardly exposed part of the toilet and the "Ney" part on the underside. This could embolden people to stick their heads down the body of the toilet as a means of reaffirming their commitment to the right wing agenda.
B. Coverage - If you slap a single Romney bumper sticker on the outside of a port-a-jon, that's probably about a 2. But if you coated the entire "Crapper Trapper" with over 100 bumper stickers in an all-out bumper blitzkrieg. Well, that could earn you up to a 6.2 in the minds of the judges. My point - the greater the Mitt, the greater the shit. Mitt went bold with his Veep pick. You can do the same. Be strong. Go bold.
C. Intensity - How far are you willing to push the message? Point blank - are you willing to submerge your hand in the urinary puddle and implant the sticker under the blessed urinal cake? Are you willing to smear actual fecal matter on one of the stickers? Will it be your own shit? The shit of others? Just how low can you go?
But here's the beauty of this idea (not that it's one filled with a great deal of aesthetic merit). It would be exceptionally difficult to get caught in the act. Because there's only one place in this entire country the government will not set up cameras and roll video... and that's the bathroom. Although, I'm sure there's legislation pending somewhere in the bowels of the Department of Health and Human Services.
And there's another plus. I don't think too many people would have a vested interest in removing the stickers. Once they're stuck, they're probably not going anywhere, anytime soon. The "Mitt IS Shit" legacy will be carried in perpetuity for future generations... inevitably, irrevocably, urinarilly, excrementally.
So Saf, what are you gonna do? Will you step up? I sometimes get the feeling that you're all talk and no action. Yeah, that's right. That's what I'm all about. Well, guess what? Look no further. I just christened my downstairs toilet -
Also, in keeping with the spirit of this post, I'd like to be at the forefront of another trend. Let us encourage any patchouli covered hippies, random filth-encrusted liberals and basically all homeless individuals to start using the bathrooms at every Chick-Fil-A restaurant. Nothing sends a timely message of disapproval and disdain better than gallons of piss and piles of shit.