Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Could I vote twice with no fear of reprisal?

The news channels seem to be talking about early voting and voter fraud. Every announcer on  MSNBC claims there is a coordinated effort to suppress the minority vote.  FOX wants to eliminate voter fraud by demanding proper identification at the polls.  As usual, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

It got me to thinking.  I'd be willing to bet that I could get away with voting multiple times.  I have no desire to commit a felony, I'm just virtually positive that nobody would catch it.  And even if they did, I doubt they'd make an issue of it.  As it would surely open up a pandora's box of issues and bring a heightened scrutiny to their level of professionalism and the entire process.

So how would I actually go about voting twice?  Well first off, I'd just go down to the city-county building and cast an early ballot.  Then, on Nov. 6, I'd just show up at the polls and cast a regular ballot.  Wow, Saf.  You must have spent weeks concocting this bold strategy.  So why do I think this would work?

Well, the giant ledger booklet they use at the polls is about the same size as a Torah.  The damn thing's huge.  And I've noticed my family members are still in it.  They haven't resided 'round deze parts since the early 1990's.  Kind of odd that West Virginia spent all this money on "error-free" electronic voting machines but they've never automated the initial "sign-in" process.

This part is purely speculation but I'm 95% sure, if you cast an early ballot, they don't scratch off your name in the "big Ohio County voting book."  Let me reiterate.  This is solely based on anecdotal observation.  I have no tangible evidence.  It would be interesting to try and legally confirm my suspicions, but let's be honest.  I doubt anyone would have a vested interest or desire in testing the system.

This reminds me of how I used to write about "system disruptions."  There was a cool one this weekend I must mention.  Gigi and I went down to the Eagles-Steelers game and tried to score freebies.  I had a hunch it would be a challenging one... and I was proven correct.  First shut-out since the NHL Winter Classic (also at Heinz Field).  Just all demand and no supply.  The going rate for a single seemed to be in the $200 range.  Booo.  That's more terrifying than a Chrisagis exorcism on Halloween night.

However, we did score 3 cans of discarded Bud Light.  Yum.  As the game kicked off, we headed over to Stage AE and saw a knapsack hidden in the bushes behind the Art Rooney statue.  I surmised it was likely a bomb or IED.  But Gigi disagreed.  Just as I was about to dial 911 and set up a caution tape perimeter, she bravely unzipped it.  Inside were a few cans of Miller Lite on ice.  So we surreptitiously removed the Miller Lite and replaced it with the Bud Light.  I'd love to see the look on their faces when they retrieved the book bag after the game.  Who would do such a thing?  What kind of mind game is this?  What could possibly be the angle here?  Why was our cheapo, race car beer replenished with urine, piss beer?  Why?

So yeah, we got shut out.  But we did watch the entire game at Stage AE which is a completely free, super cool place to check out the action.  All the games are on (for you fantasy addicts) and the screens are huge.  You even have your choice of watching indoors OR outdoors.  They're are workers stationed at the entrances but they don't perform pat-downs.  Plus, you can enter and exit at will.  So it's incredibly easy to smuggle in drinks and food.  Fans at Stage AE were enthusiastic but not overly raucous.  Far superior to that Jerome Bettis Grill, Tilted Kilt nonsense or any of the other dumbshit saloons along the North Shore.  Yes, Rivertowne North Shore... I'm staring directly in yo face.  Let's just say that I have deemed Stage AE as "fallback heaven."  It cannot be beat.

Steelers 16
Eagles 14

Still, the inability to snag freebie tickets loomed large.  This injustice needed to be rectified.  But how is the question?  Well... how about a ground-score print-out ticket to Neil Young and Crazy Horse at the Peterson Events Center a couple days later?  Yeah, that might bring everything full circle.   Stollar got it handed to her by some kid.  Check out this "ticket."

compared to this

Pretty blurry, wouldn't you say?  I walked up to the ticket-taker dude.  He pointed his laser at it but it would not scan.  He tried the bar code multiple times but to no avail.  I gave him this look of disconcerting consternation (I don't understand... what could possibly be the problem... what's wrong with your Star Trek Next Generation phaser thingamajig).  He suggests I take the ticket to "guest services" and have it exchanged.  I shrug my shoulders and reassuringly remark, "Ohh, that sounds fair."

Fortunately, the guest service area is INSIDE the building.  That would make seem to make sense.  So not only did I get in for free, but it's a floor ticket to boot.  I found a comfortable spot on the general admission floor about 4 rows back on the left.  Here's a good trick.  Find an empty garbage can, drag it over and position yourself directly behind it.  Gives you an added buffer zone.

For those who don't know, Neil Young is 66 years old.  Perhaps the most underrated rock star of all-time.  I don't think that's an exaggeration.  Probably the best, pure, stripped down, straight-up rock and roll show I've seen in quite a while. 
Just 3 guys and a drummer interacting the entire night within a 20 foot radius.  The stage had plenty of room, but they made it seem like they were on a cramped stage in a bar.  No explosions.  No flashing lights.  No pyrotechnic crap.  No background dancers.  No unnecessary commentary.  Just a great rock concert.  I especially liked Born in Ontario.  Solid new tune.


Anonymous said...

Good read. Looking forward to your commentary on the VP debate tomorrow.


sonofsaf said...

Steelers game takes slight precedence over the VP debate. I might watch the re-air. If I were Ryan, I'd go all-out on Libya. There's plenty of evidence the Obama administration lied, or at the very least, was purposely deceptive concerning a "terrorist" attack because they were more concerned about the political consequences. And reinforce that Obama won't draw the clear line with Iran nukes AND cannot be trusted as an ally and friend to Israel. Must pay homage to the Jews.

Those are the kill points. Make Biden play defense, just like what Romney did to Obama.

Biden will hammer home points on the dignity of seniors, Republican obstructionism, keeping social security safe and railing against the 1% and tax cuts for the super rich. And he'll probably do a good job with that stuff becasue the shit sells itself.

Biden's gets a lot of flack for the gaffes, but truth be told, he's an excellent speaker and debater. Very personable and convincing. Ryan comes across as a tiny bit arrogant/Ivy league-ish.

I think it ends in a draw slightly favoring Biden. I suspect it will end up mostly being about the "spin" afterwards. Either way, it's all about selling the next presidential debate.

DBV - I love this stuff.

Anonymous said...

I think I will be riding the T in for the next home Steelers game to check out the tailgate action.