Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Magnetic Jesus Dress Up / In Wheeling magazine

First things first.  I just saw this on facebook.

You're probably thinking... what a fucking dipdouche full of shit bag.  Who's responsible for this abomination?  Around election time, we here in West Virginia call it an Obamanation.  Truthfully though, I think it's part of a sinister plot.  Take a breath.  Calm down.  Hear me out on this shit.

It's obviously a slam directed toward Ken Whisencunt.  Some bad blood there in the upstairs office I reckon.  They're sending the Arizona Cardinals a subliminal message - loud and clear via a Pitt Panthers Heinz Field parking/security pass.  If we see you in a repeat of

we is gonna kick your ass with another narrow victory in the waning seconds.  But at 2-3 and with a slew of injuries, I'm just not seeing it.  What really sucks is that we're losing prime time games.  Not accustomed to this.  Usually, we show up for the night games.  Curious to see how the rest of these NFC East matches unfold.  A losing record is good for only thing - easy free ticket acquisition.  And by that time, the stakes have lessened considerably.

Now, second things second.  Our government is notorious for declaring "war" on anything they can.  War on terror, war on poverty, war on drugs, war on illiteracy, war on malnutrition or whatever.  In the event of urban, civil unrest following a Mitt Romney victory, perhaps the time has finally come for the Department of Homeland Security to declare a "war on suicide."  Think about it objectively.  If rioting and looting persists, Janet Napaolitano could use this as justification for a large scale extermination.  "We gathered sufficient intelligence that 'these' citizens were deemed suicidal so we were compelled to take action."  I don't think it's too much of stretch.  If the TSA can fondle an eight year old's testicles or force a woman to drink her own breast milk... if the govt. can throw you in jail for up to a year for smoking a doobie or confiscate your property for possession of nonpasteurized milk... well, a "war on suicide" seems like a reasonable strategy for keeping the population in line.  Just sayin'.

Thirdly, I was once again decimated at Fantastical Football.  Gigi was victorious this week by a final of 39 to 27.  Her record is now 4-2.

All my NFL instincts have seemingly gone to shit.  Next week, I need to start thinking of all this stuff in old school Romper Room terms.  In a fight between a viking and a cardinal, who would win?  Probably the viking of Minnesota.  In a brawl between a colt and that which is brown?  A raven vs. someone regarded as a Texan?  A jaguar against a raider?  Come to think of it, things have changed.  Teams used to be easily identifiable... e.g. (exempli gratia) bears vs. lions.  In the expansion/relocation era... not so much.

By the way, I almost pulled off a real-world, last second hail-mary victory.  We both asterisked the Monday Night game, and I almost (but not really) got the score exactly correct.  I could have had 34 points on that one game (unprecedented), but Denver ended up running away with it.  Go Denver!

So last night I was watching Monday Night Football (Broncos at Chargers).  I was growing increasingly disinterested and decided to revamp my refrigerator.  I'm getting rid of all the pictures and information.  Well, except for the Magnetic Jesus Dress Up (before photo) and the Breast Buddies.

I stumbled upon this killer website that lets you electronically dress up Jesus in every way imaginable.  Sadomasochistic Jesus, Lady Ga Ga Jesus, Halloween or Star Wars themed Jesus.  The guy who constructed this site is my new hero.  He goes by the name Normal Bob Smith. 

As I was saying, a Maury Povich refrigerator makeover seemed long overdue.  So I had this stack of "In Wheeling" magazines.  Let me first say that I know Dom Cerrone (co-founder of the In Wheeling magazine and an all-around great guy).  And I salute his journalistic efforts to shake up the banality of Wheel-town.  And the glossy magazine is a first-rate, quality publication.  To be honest, Wheeling is not even remotely deserving of this fine periodical.  But I wasn't quite sure why I was holding onto this magazine stash.  When I host a party, it's not as though someone wanders off into a private reading corner and leafs through the contents.  Searching desperately for that juicy tidbit of Wheeling gossip.  Nope, guests at my house would be more likely to use the magazines for kindling

So here's the deal.  I'm in the process of clipping out tons of local faces.  I'm going to create the first ever "Jesus Dress Up In Wheeling."  I like this because it sounds like one of those Jeopardy game show "run-on word" categories.  "Wheeling Feeling Jesus Dress Up" sounds slightly better.  Perhaps I'll go with the that one.  The point is this - you'll be able to dress up some of Wheeling's most prominent celebs!  Wheeling is a town consisting of 99% godly, church-going Christians and 1% indifferent, heathen buffoons (I'm part of the latter).  So it makes for a good fit.  

Anyhoo, every magazine is loaded with pics.  So I'm going to use the head shots of locals I've had conversations with.  Just knowing "of" them is insufficient.  They need to know me.  And the pics must be a reasonable fit size-wise.  I'm about halfway done with the clipping process.  I'll finish up  during tonight's Hofstra presidential debate.  And I'll post a pic of the final result.

I'm also inclined to resurrect some refrigerator art from the 2010 era of the Jewish Ski Lodge.  Yep, the ReTriberator and the Frigsagis...

These pics really don't do them justice.  It's more of a conceptual thing.  Oddly enough, Patrick Tribbet was processed yet again on October 13, 2012.  Not much in the paint realm though.  Just a mere hint of silver below the nostril.

Compared to...

If you seek any of the infamous "gold paint" mugshots from the 2000-2010 era, you really need to search the web.  Most of them pre-date the Northern Regional Jail / Arrest.com website.  By the way, why doesn't someone just duplicate all this shit?  It's obvious whoever owns the site (I've heard he resides in Florida) makes a killing off charging people to remove their mugshots.  $63 per photo.  Who the fuck would honestly care about the ethical dilemma in sabotaging this guy's "intellectual property" rights?  Just copy all the code and content.  Give it a new name and alter the billing information.  Maybe incarcerationstation or jailfail.com.  Something of that nature. 

Back in the real world, the Broncos ended up winning this game.  Crazy second half performance from Peyton manning and the Denver defense. 

"Calling Papa Bear... Hut-hut, Hike!"

Here's a hip analogy for you kids about to take your Linsly Sports SAT's.

Bob Backlund: WWF
Peyton Manning: NFL
I've just never been a big Peyton Manning fan.  If it's not the endless theatrics, it's the goody two shoes disposition.  This guy...  this is just not my kind of guy (Frank Costanza).

During the Monday Night game, I also put the finishing touches on 2 new mix cds!  In keeping with the Jeopardy themed "run-on words" category, I'm calling this double cd "Son of Flytrap Sister Christian."

Sonofsister (flytrap).  When normal human beings think of insect incarceration, it usually involves the infamous Venus Flytrap.  Those commercials haunted my soul in 1978.  "Look mom, it's gonna eat the fly.  We need one of them."   In the late 90's, I became engulfed in a different flytrap.  This one was a band that played at the Office Lounge in downtown Wheeling.   Flytrap Sister.  It included a barefoot, sassy Joelle on lead vocals.  A calm, yet resolute keyboardist named Jen.  A Black Sabbath-looking bass player they referred to as Uncle Hozo.  A guitarist I never spoke with named Reverend Cash Money.  And finally a drummer... Peepers, or if you will, Peeps.  These days, it seems that reunion tours are all the rage.  Having said that, I long for the triumphant return of "The Trap.".

HBO's Boardwalk Empire is becoming completely bad ass.  They're incorporating plenty of high profile actors.  Here's the extended version of the theme song by The Brian Jonestown Massacre.

Weezer never permits taping or radio broadcasts of their shows.  So finding this 2002 bootleg from the Brixton Academy in London, England was pretty cool.  Here are two, two syllable songs - Hash Pipe and Dope Nose.

I've put "The Kiss" by The Cure on several sonofcds.  I never tire of this song.  Here's a version from an outdoor festival in Roskilde, Denmark (2001).

"Black Diamond" is my favorite Kiss song.  This cover by the Smashing Pumpkins at a recent concert in Lisbon, Portugal (2012) is worth a listen.

And here's a Foo Fighters appearance on David Letterman.  "These Days."  I have no idea how Dave Grohl can scream like that, night after night after night.  Probably a wise idea to take a little time off.  Kids at the University of Syracuse will live.

I never put any Jimi Hendrix stuff on these compilations.  So here's two in a row. 
Paul Rodgers of Bad Company (weak) and The Firm (strong) fame.  "Little Wing" at Electric Lady Studios in New York City in 1993.
And I found this outtake of "Voodoo Child" by Buddy Guy at a club in Chicago (2001).  I even like the commercial exit info.  Too bad it's truncated.

This version of The Beatles' "Ticket to Ride" is a little hollow in the mix.  But you've got to be realistic.  It's Paris, France in 1965.  For all I know, it was snagged off AM radio.

I found this bizarre excerpt from the Purple Rain vault recordings.  It's entitled "When Doves Cry - the Scream Demo."  I just threw it in for kicks.  Prince sounds a little, wee bit pissed off.

I've always thought that "Election Day" is one of Duran Duran's better, unknown tunes.  In honor of Obama, Romney and all the others who lay themselves bare for the amusement and wrath of others, here's "Election Day."  This one's from a soccer stadium in Rio De Janeiro in 1988.  We went to see them this summer at Stage AE.  At the last second, the show was canceled.  We sat and witnessed the disappointment of everyone who showed up.  In retrospect, it was time well spent.

In the post Jew-annihilation era, Nuremberg, Germany is the site of a yearly summer rock concert.  Here's Fleetwood Mac w/ the timeless voice of Stevie Nicks playing "Gold Dust Woman back in 1988.

Some Wilco songs kind of bore me.  But there are some that I enjoy.  Here's one of them - "War on War."  This is from a live radio broadcast at the Riviera Theatre in Chicago (2008).

Not sure why I threw in this cover of "Mama Tried" by Merle Haggard, but I did.  And now, it is forever immortalized as the next-to-last song on Sonofsister (Flytrap).  It's from the cunt-tree Mecca - Nashville, Tennessee (1981).  I've always thought it would be cool to have a personalized TN license plate that just said JED.

Let's close this Flytrap with a venerable rock anthem.  Queen - "We Will Rock You" - Tokyo, Japan (1985).


I don't have any sisters.  But I do have 2 older brothers.  I'm not very religious, but I do know a ton of Christians.  Therefore, I submit my newest effort.  A special 2012 pre-election release called "Sonofsister (Christian)."  No "One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus" songs on this one.  I was tempted to include some material from our local hometown heroes The Chrisagis Brothers.  But during the creative process, this particular cd took on an immeasurably and indecisively darker tone.  Mostly old school metal.  Hence, no Chirsagii.  Speaking of whom, here's a quick knock-knock styled joke.

Question: What did the Chrisagis Brothers order from the Burger King in Bell-Dirty?
Answer: The Double CHRISAN'WICH Meal.

And even though this cd invokes the anguished oink of Night Ranger, I'm not throwing in a live version of "Sister Christian."  I already put "Sentimental Street" on the Sonofsons of Anarchy cd.  Enough deliberation.

Soundgarden's my favorite, actively touring band that I've never seen live.  This version of "Searching with my Good Eye Closed" is from the headlining Lollapalooza show in Chicago (2010).  So I will continue my search.  Without my glasses I am legally blind.

Back in 1989, me and a bunch of guys went to see Megadeth/Warlock/Sanctuary in Greensburg, PA.  "What's the opener," they asked.  I replied, "Obviously it'll be Wake Up Dead."  Imagine my shock and disbelief when they came out on stage with "Set the World Afire."  At the time, it really blew my mind.  Here's the song from a Buenos Aires show in 2005

Sick version of Radiohead's "Airbag" from Atlanta (2003).  Great bass, cool effects.

Followed by a sick version of Korn's "Got the Life" from CBGB's in New York City.  Once again, great bass.

I never cared much for "Werewolves of London."  That is until Rev. Smitty and the Backsliders rocked the hell out of it at Jaybo's.  I found this Warren Zevon cover of the tune from a 1982 club show in Passaic, NJ.   I like how he cleverly exchanges 'London' for 'New Jersey.'  I could see how that would be a big hit for a crowd during the early years of the Reagan administration.  Watch for the Kung Fu Fighting keyboard snippet.

If anyone on the planet earth hears this cd and says, "Holy shit, that's Fates Warning playing their hit song, "Silent Cries".... than my entire existence will have served a purpose.  I mean this.  I wish the beginning wasn't clipped.  It's from neighboring New York.  To be exact, the Bayshore section of Long Island back in 1988.  When I originally saw this concert post, I couldn't believe that someone would possess it, let alone bother to download and post it.  Sorry - it's a little tinny/staticky, but still well worth it.

And back to 2002 New Jersey.  Overkill's anthem "In Union We Stand" from Asbury Park, NJ.  Good thing the band stopped by to buoy everyone's spirit following 9/11.  They were the perfect band for this mission.

One of my top 5 thrash bands - Death Angel.  "Kill As One" makes for an excellent closer in 2007 at an event called the Sonic German Beatdown.

This is something I would have never known existed.  Ahh, the accidental, awesome power of the google search machine.   Forbidden playing a cover of the Judas Priest Priest classic cover.  "Victim of Changes" from the 1989 Dynamo Festival.

I wish the sound on this was fuller but what the hell.  It's a special appearance of Peter Gabriel singing "Biko" at a 1990 Sting concert in Santiago, Chile.

My favorite epic movie speech is the same as everyone else.  So to finish off Sonofsister (Christian), here's a true Christian hero. Mel Gibson just before he prepares to slaughter and bludgeon everyone within his grasp.  This planet is littered with bloodthirsty heroes... William Wallace, Michael Vick, George Bush Jr., Jeffrey Dahmer, Bashar Al-Assad, the list never ends.

As usual, there are no download links.  Just ask me for a cd (by its correct name) and I'll be happy to oblige.  Free of charge, of course.

And without further adieu, here is the inaugural photo of Wheeling Feeling Jesus Dress Up.  

Chosen entirely at random and portraying Jesus for the indefinite future... local realtor and insurance agent Gil White.

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