Saturday, October 27, 2012

Mitt Romney endorsements

In the waning days of the campaign, I'm getting a big kick out of the "star power" unleashed by the Republican party.  Let's see here.  You've got that formidable clown/conditionally venerable, charitable douchebag/carnival barker/world's biggest ego-driven asshole... Donald's Trump.

Clint Eastwood didn't fare too well in his extemporaneous, non-choreographed empty chair routine.  But he did close with the infamous "Make My Day" line.  Mission accomplished I suppose.

And then there's greaseball, hillbilly rocker who peaked back in 2004... Kid Rock.  He might just be that hip drug czar/rock'n'roll liaison the Romney/Ryan administration was searching for.

And don't forget the aging rocker who rose to stardom in the late 70's.  He played a bit role as a narco-trafficker in a poor episode of Miami Vice.  Wango Tango, Waco Bako gun nut, David Koresh admirer/sympathizer, freedom loving Hitler enthusiast (strictly from a World War II historical standpoint)... Ted Nugent. 

But finally, in the stretch run... the Romney team has sent in the big guns.  Yep, Meat Loaf is back.  And he's pouring his heart out in a campaign event in Defiance (appropriately named), Ohio.  You must watch this in its entirety.  The best shit is at the end.  Now I understand where they got the term, "I need to pinch a loaf."

What the fuck was that?  I thought he was having a heart attack (again).  Anybody remember the Station Square Pittsburgh show from last year?  I'd post it but it the footage has been removed compliments of "Red Pony Tours."  How about that?  Apparently a Meat Loaf onstage heart attack is censurable material.  Why oh why can't they can't they censure that horrific Dashboard Light anthem?  But this time was different.  He fell to his knees but seemed instantly resurrected by the prospect of delivering presidential fellatio.  Was Meat speaking in tongues with Mitt simultaneously guffawing?  It looked like a Pentacostal religious service.  I call this move a Mormonic blow-job.  And yes, I realize my hero Bill Clinton succumbed to something similar.  But trust me... it's just not the same. 

And it was an especially sad testimony when the "fuddy duddy Republican neo-con guidance counselor," John Sununu (former NH Governor and disgraced Bush cabinet member) criticized the Colin Powell endorsement of Obama.  They're likely brainstorming in the quality control room.  We need to fight fire with fire.  They've got Springsteen!  We need more celebrity endorsements.  Maybe we can get Dionne Warwick to sing "That's What Friends Are For" with the Romney sons.  Perhaps Englebert Humperdink should be served tea and crumpets with dutiful wife Ann.  Someone check and see if piano crooner Liberace is alive.  Hmmm, he's in stable condition in a San Franciscan nursing home.  Alright, he can't make it.  See if we can get Muhammad Ali up on stage in a non-speaking, but heavily shaking role.  That could be the sought after lynch pin to acquiring the uncommitted black vote (currently projected at 1.3%).  All this conjecture wouldn't be so amusing if it weren't so true.  I truly believe conversations like this take place within the Romney brain trust.

And despite all of this warped Republican strategy, I still worry that none of it will matter.  If the stampedes hit the NFL stadiums on Sunday, it would have maximum impact.  The Obama bid for a second term would be completely upended.  Eight 1 pm cities (Green Bay, Chicago, NY/NJ, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Nashville, Detroit, Pittsburgh) and even London, England gets ensnared.  How's that for maximum impact?  Forcing the artificially generated stampedes onto another continent.  You could even throw in the 60,000+ Nascar race in Martinsville, VA.  Human beings still don't seem to acknowledge that TIME is a neutralizing weapon unto itself.  Our government, regardless of party leadership, just can't come to grips with this.  For them, it's still all about trains, planes and automobiles.  Oh yeah, and guns.  Tons of guns.   

I watched Dick Morris (whose opinion I have the utmost respect for) on Fox News.  Now I've said this before.  Morris has unbelievably acute political instincts.  And he claims the polls are WAY OFF.  He even thinks written-off states like Pennsylvania are in play.  He's predicting a Romney win in excess of 300 electoral votes.  Morris might be just trying to distinguish himself from all the other gutless commentators.  But my instincts tell me he truly believes his own "polling sources."  Probably some renegade Rasmussen vitriolic upstart.  Either way, I rarely agree with the Fox news team, but Dick Morris is a major exception.  The guy is simply in a word... brilliant.

Last night I watched an independent pollster on Bill Maher.  He claims that Obama stands a 74% chance and Romney is 26%.  If you translate the money line into NFL terms, that's about a -7 or -8 point spread.  I'll even further translate the odds.  On Sunday, if you take St. Louis (+7) over New England OR Carolina (+8) to beat Chicago... then there you go, that's the wagering equivalent of a Romney victory.  It's really just that simple.  Numbers don't lie.

Alright, enough rambling.  I just scored a ticket (compliments of Gigi) to the 3 pm acoustic Springsteen performance/Obama rally at Soldiers and Sailors Hall on the Pitt campus.  Then, onto the real show at Consol.  So I must gather my belongings and get moving.  But do not fear.  There will be no monetary exchange whatsoever.  Why would anyone want to give their money to Bruce Springsteen or for that matter, Barack Obama?  Any denomination is offensive.  And yet I still get about 5 poli-spam emails per day.  URGENT: WE NEED YOU - Just donate as little as $5.00 for the opportunity of a lifetime.  Dinner and dancing with Tagg Romney?  Take Janet Napolitano out as my prom date?  Have doughnuts with Chris Christie?  Play the slots in Vegas with Harry Reid?  WHO THE FUCK COMES UP WITH THIS SHIT?  Seriously, what does any of it mean?  Oh yeah, it all comes down to money.  How quickly I forget.

Well, not for me.   And I won't give money to Dan Rooney either.  Tomorrow should be an easy one.  Cold and rainy with the Redskins in town.

As for Springsteen at Consol Energy Center tonight, one of these signs be sufficient.

If you give me a FREE ticket, I won't make fun of your mustache.  The obvious insinuation here being that homely male Boss fans seem overly eager to embrace homo-inspired, outdated facial hair.


If you give me a FREE ticket, I won't make fun of you for coming to a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Come to think of it, this could be a Pittsburgh news headline for today...

Attendance of Pitt-Temple game at Heinz Field dwarfs Springsteen-Obama rally at Soldiers and Sailors Hall.

It's on right now.  This place has to be the most embarrassing (attendance wise) stadium in all of NCAA Division I football.  Neyland Stadium in Tennessee is pretty bad, but it's got nuthin' on the Pitt games.  Cue up James Taylor and Sweet Caroline.  They do a nice job of covering up the empty seats.


Anonymous said...

Seriously, we can see R. Budd Dwyer commit suicide???? But we can't see Meat pass out? Whatever. I found a little bit for ya:



sonofsaf said...

I doubt Dwyer had a decent publicist.