Monday, September 02, 2013

Toledo McRampage

Normally, I wouldn't post these types of shock value videos.  I figure they probably get enough coverage in the "twisted-bloggosphere."  But this one is just too strong, too brutally honest, too mighty.  And its coming shortly off the heels of the Mileage Cyrus twerking meltdown.  And in the face of the current low-wage fast food employee crisis.

Simply stated, this one deserves greater recognition.  On Labor Day, I proudly giveth thee "Toledo McRampage."  If you can't devote the precious minute and a half, you have no soul.

Alright, I thought about doing a Top 10 Reasons Why I Support the McNugget Rampage Woman, but it would be too much info.  Impossible to fit on a t-shirt.  And while I do think this deranged woman deserves our collective embrace, I'll just settle for a Top 10 "observations." Strictly for reference purposes, this list is no particular order.  I write them as I go.

10.  Let's start it out with a Bob Weir wang dang doodle.  When the woman (I'm going to refer to her as McMeth - not to be confused with the Shakespeare character Macbeth).  As I was saying, when McMeth growls, "Don't make me assume my ultimate form!"  Okay, I'm not completely naive.  I knew this had to be stolen from somewhere.  Turns out that it's from some 1980's/90's Asian cartoon character called Dragonballz or something.  Kinda sad.  Because there was this little part of me that wanted it to be an original.  Like I said.  I'm a cynical realist.  Sometimes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  

9.  In the latter stages of the video, some employee tries to ascertain the reason for her hostile disposition.  In the background he asks, "What's going on?  Did she get burnt by an apple pie or something?"  Strong move on that dude's part.  He's obviously an astute observer of cognitive dissonance.  This woman must be hurt.  Is it a physical wound from the scalding apple pie?  Or is it an emotional wound from the lack of McSustenance?  I'd like to hear more from this guy.  It's been rumored that after she peeled out, he asked, "Did she have a salon perm, or was that an Ogilvy Home perm?"

8.  The woman screams another zany line, "I'm gonna eat your fucking face off and digest it."   Yep... that pretty much speaks for itself.  Does anyone remember that naked Miami dude who was "high on bath salts" and ate most of his buddy's face off?  They labeled him the Causeway Cannibal.   For this chick, I prefer McMeth (her real name is Melodie Dushane). For the mainstream press, maybe go with "The Toledo Terror."

Anyway, just for reference purposes - here's a pic of the Miami Zombie.

And here's a pic of the the edible homeless guy (pre-app)...

7.  "Unless your speaking McNuggets into my hands..."

This is where her comments take on an almost biblical persona.  God communicates with her directly through the anticipatory 6-Piece McNug.  It's as if that oozing pink slime forms some kind of intestinally-inspired esophageal flap.   McMeth should have growled, "Do not covet thy McNuggets!" or even better... "Thou shalt not covet thy McNuggets."  Command that shit.

Just an aside - We have no way of knowing if she wanted a 6 piece, 12 piece or the 20 piece box extravaganza.  If it was the oft-neglected 9-piece, I believe this may indicate "satanic leanings, or if you will, demonic inklings." 

6.  Early on, she calls the employee a "fat meatbag."  This reminded me of an ill-fated venture I had at the Wendy's in Elm Grove.  I zipped in the drive thru from the main drag (rather than circling the building).  Anyway, this woman behind me felt like I cut her off.  She stuck her head out the window and yelled at the top of her lungs.  He wants a "faggotburger"  This shit happened 3 years ago, but the memory is still as painful as it is vivid.  Feels like yesterday.

5.  Is it me or does the state of Ohio just seem to have a monopoly on these weird issues with deranged junkies, parents who imprison their children in cages, lots of non-consensual sex acts with various mammals (man on dog, man on chicken, man on goat, etc.) and misc. dungeon-held sex-slaves?  Incessant incest, as well.

I always thought this problem was indigenous to the Northeast quadrant (Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown, etc.).  But it seems to be migrating in an easterly direction.  Maybe it has something to do with paving improvements on I-80.  I do not know.

4.  I must be showing my age (43).  Until now, I've always thought of McDonald's villains in this passe, cartoonish, non-threatening kinda way .  Grimace, Hamburglar...  Well, I'm not sure Grimace was evil.  In fact, he seemed both corpulent AND loveable.  Hamburglar though... he was a little sinister (kind of like a diminutive Bashar Al-Assad).  Maybe even more like his father, Hafez Al-Assad.  But McMeth has set a new standard.  I know, I know... the genocide, the chemical weapons... what about the sarin gas?  Trust me: McMeth has raised the bar.  She has set a new standard.  A great man (Mike Tomlin) once said, "The standard is the standard."

By the way, someone on the comedy circuit needs to call Al-Assad...  All-Ass Hole.  Back in 2001, they interviewed this one Belmont County dude on WTOV-9.  they asked him what his thoughts were on Osama Bin Laden.  He replied, "That guy's a real asshole!"  They bleeped it out.  But you could easily discern that he said "asshole."

3.  Time has come for a REVERSE - Fire in the Hole!  Having originated in nearby Beaver County, PA, these videos clips are particularly poignant.

Yeah bitches!  An ultimate reversal (similar to the foosball move "ultimate rebuttal" and to a lesser extent, "szechaun."  Instead of soda (we call it pop) or soft ice cream cones, let us have all McDonald's employees submit a daily, "collective" urine sample.  Located next to the take out-window at all times, if customers go wolfman bezerker... well, then they get a retaliatory, drenching golden shower.     

2.  Alright, here's the numero uno question, at least as I see things.  Why in name of Allah did they edit in that additional cat-hissing noise?  Her mouth isn't even open during the second deluge.   Yeah... it's a nice effect, but it really undermines the credibility.  Total fugazi.  Some will even claim the whole thing was staged (no fuckin' way in hell).  This could raise a quandary for future internet historians.  And we all hold one truth to be self evident... ain't nobody got time for that!

1.  So what exactly is the takeaway from all this shit?  What have we learned from this rich tapestry, the unfolding "frantic fabric" of that which is McMeth?

Well, I'm still at a loss.  As an act of complete desperation, perhaps the Wheeling PD could offer up their detective skills.  Maybe form some kind of Wheeling-Toledo "crime corridor" task force?  When they make the trek to collaborate, stick 'em all on the Wheeling Nailers bus.   That way, the taxpayers save a little $ (very tea party/Sarah Palin inspired).  Speaking of Sarah, I named my new cat after her!

I give you.... Palin.


Anonymous said...

Look on your phone for the picture of you with "Palin" on the is PRICELESS!!!
Love you and the cat,

sonofsaf said...

I looked for the pic. Couldn't find it.

I just found out this whole Toledo McRampage happened almost 3 years ago. But the relevance shall never fade. "Memories... makes me want to go back there, back there" - Weezer

Anonymous said...

I thought you knew that was old...Babe, I think you actually already talked about it in a previous blog. I will try and find the picture. It's a good one. "Memories, like the corners of my mind" –Babs