This morning I saw a road sign at the Elm Grove intersection of Rt. 88 and National Road. It was for a "rock concert" that happened about a month ago.
I was taken aback for roughly 3 seconds. In all honesty, I almost blacked out. After I came to my senses, I turned into the nearby Glo-Tone Parking lot and snagged the sign. It was as if my hands and feet were being controlled by some kind of "dark presence." This "evil under-lord" wanted me to resurrect the sign and plant it in my front yard.
So Saf, why didn't you go to the big Kip Winger show at Penetrations? Could you give me one good reason? I mean, are you crazy or something? Aren't you always complaining that there's "nothing to do in Wheeling?" How could you miss this end of summer, blow out blast?
Hey, not only was this show termed "The Triumphant Return of Kip Winger to the Ohio Valley," it was also billed as "300 Days til Next Jambo" and "WVNCC Nursing Students - We Welcome You With Open, Flabby Arms." And not only that, they'll be running a wing special. Buy 20 wings and get a free pitcher of tepid Bud Light with glasses piping hot (right out of the dishwasher). While all that does sound promising, I just didn't take the bait.
Still, you're asking - "Saffy, Why didn't you hit the show?"
I can actually hear the voices circling in my head, "You're an idiot - The whole gang was there."
There's only one way to explain away all this cynicism.
It's called another Top 10 list.
Top 10 Reasons I Didn't Get Winged in the Swing Club
10. Am I the only person who can't stand these melodramatic acoustic renditions of bad 80's glam
metal? Seventeen, Headed for a Heartbreak, etc. What's the world coming to? This is the kind of intolerable shit that makes me give Miley Cyrus a second look, or twerk, if you will.
9. I just don't like seeing street sign advertisements for Generations. Billboards too for that matter. First off, it's called the Swing Club. Always is and always will be. But the thought of the senior Duplaga standing out in front of the old Bernie Glenn's appliance store, trying to pilfer $3.00 for parking. Well, that's just too much of a cross to bear. Even for an atheist Jew.
8. Just the mere fact that this sign was "manufactured" is a troubling precedent. The sign itself is evidence. That's right. Evidence that there are more of them out there, lurking in the nooks and crannies of Ohio County. Just as you're rounding some bend out near West Lib or Roney's Point... E-GAD! WINGER IS BACK! For the love of Christ, it's enough to give you a panic attack and drive off a cliff. However, at least your death would be an honorable one. You died for a great cause - you died for the sins of Kip Winger.
7. What is it about the Ohio Valley? This same phenomenon happens every time some crappy band or has-been performer comes in for a show at Wheeling Island. Everyone in the area instantly becomes a dues paying member of their fan club. It could be Steppenwolf. It could be Foghat. Or it could be some off-celebrity like Michael Jackson's physician or the recently acquitted Roger Zimmerman. Wheeling just seems to have this weird knack for being an "off-kilterred stomping ground."
6. ADDITION: WINGER + S = WINGERS
That's right. Add that "S" and you instantly have some of the worst political pundits and facebook prognosticators - the hardcore, religious right wingers and the lunatic, zany left wingers.
5. SUBTRACTION: WINGER - ER = WING
I propose an addendum to the list of the 7 deadly sins. When you stumble upon the definition of "gluttony" there should be a list of all the different types of wings. Honey butter garlic, grecian parmesan, ragin cajun, etc. Lest ye forget the greatest wing paradox of all-time... "HOT RANCH!" Say it like ya mean it!
4. I have issues with anybody who calls themselves "Kip." His real name is Charles Frederick Winger. Kip is a self-assigned nickname. And it's not even close. At least "Rick" and "Ricky" have parts of "Eric." It's much like if I were to call myself "Flash" or "Zilch" or "Jewbag."
3. It signals a return of the super teased-up hair. Get out the 'ol high school yearbook.
This opportunity comes only a few times a year. It's a god-blessing for the local 3-time divorcees with 4 kids by 6 different baby daddy. Hire that babysitter and head out for a night on the town. Or better yet, bring the fam!
There are other times you'll see the regionally saturated hair tease. It's not just a Winger concert. There's the Wheeling Park Retro-Dance. Or maybe if Vance Church holds a candlelight vigil for the late Different Strokes star Dana Plato. Ohh... the world was her oyster. Why did she have to leave us?
Hey, some of us actually enjoy the "contented-Puritan" look. It's as close as I'll ever get to Sugarcreek, Ohio (Amish paradise) or for that matter, the I-77 Zoar/ Bolivar exit.
2. When you see the sign - it signals the show. And that means one thing and one thing only. That this will be either the greatest night or absolute worst night of everyone's collective lives. There will be no middle ground. Kip Winger is the embodiment of the full moon. Relationships will suddenly bite the dust. New romances will be kindled. The endless rounds of Jagerbombs, the late night fine dining at Sheetz gas station and of course, a steady slate of DUI arrests. And of course, there's the domestic violence angle after the show's over. It's almost like a Miller Lite commercial - great taste, less filling. Yeah... right. More like a woman yelling at her husband, "Kip's hot! You're not!" Might as well dial 911.
1. Finally, you know it's bad when you're the butt of Beavis and Butthead jokes. In this case, a picture speaks a thousand words. We call it getting "Butted in the Butthead."