Tuesday, June 07, 2016


The Pens might win the Stanley Cup on Thursday.  Seems like a good opportunity to head down to Consol and preach the gospel.  I think I'm going to make 500 business cards and hand them out accordingly.  It'll set me back $13.99.  So is it worth it?  Yes.  I believe it is.


Artificially Generated Stampede Awareness Foundation

People have a fundamental right to know...

that if they are in a large, confined crowd and receive an evacuation order
and/or panic-inducing information from their cell phone or mobile device...

it's almost certainly a malicious hoax designed to create an artificially generated stampede.

So yeah, that looks like your typical business card.  You know.  Gotta support the team.

It's getting a little cliche.  Everyone's still yapping about the HBK line.  Hagelin, Bonino, Kessel.  What a creative talking point for your average Pixburgh junkhead!

However, I will confess.  That particular anti-Trump, hispanic barrage was pretty cool.

And of course, there's the Primanti's HBK equivalent.  Ham, Bacon, Kielbasi.

It got me to thinking.  As history is my witness, I've almost always grown a playoff beard when the Penguins are in the playoffs.  Steelers too.  Pirates?  Well, I've rarely been afforded the opportunity... until just recently for a couple of "one and dones."

So here's my idea.  Men in Pittsburgh with the capability to grow actual facial hair should consider my BGM concept.  It stands for Beard, Goatee, Mustache.

Penguins make the playoffs --- you grow a beard.
Steelers make the playoffs --- you grow a goatee.
Pirates make the playoffs --- you grow a mustache.

Mustache???  Abso-fuckin'-lutely.  I think we can all get behind the idea of every man walking around PNC Park sporting the traditional, weirdo-creepy mustache look.  In the line at the port-a-jon, hanging out in the guest relations room, and especially while being tasered by ballpark security as you're eagerly awaiting yer Dippin' Dots.  It's a win-win... for local yinzers, nationwide televised sports, pretty much humanity in general.

Women could participate as well.  I'd recommend the BGM "pubic-equivalent."  Maybe go with the classic choices --- landing strip, heart-shaped box and the Charlie Chaplin (or if you prefer, Hitler).  Speaking of Hitler, I like the idea of replicating a Trump vaginal pubic design.  Maybe call it the Trump Stump or Forrest Trump.  I like the forest-oriented spin on the word bush.  A sharp side part, and then an overly-slicked wavy clump of pubes.  Bone-us points if you're an actual ginger.

As I was saying, any way you shape it, it's a win-win.

So I'm gonna take my electric razor down to Consol on Thursday night.  If the Pens win it all, I'll shave this grey crinkly crap on the spot.  It's really gotta go.

 Who knows, maybe they'll let me do it for the 11 o'clock news?

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