Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Joey Porter Extrapolation

Steelers linebacker coach Joey Porter was arrested Sunday night following their wildcard playoff victory over the Dolphins.  He was out and about, rocking it out, with his monster black cock out, out on the South Side.  Well, not really... he forcibly held down a cop's wrist.  Bond was set at 25,000 for a myriad of charges (aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest, public drunkenness, and terroristic threats). 

Nice mugshot.  Seems calm and measured.  Here we go!

I won't rehash the specifics.  But obviously, Porter screwed up big time.  Just the mere act of going to a bar with the players is a violation of the NFL conduct policy.  And of course, once the police get involved, it's over.  Surprised the cops didn't bust him for indecency, obscenity, defamation, jay-walking, and oh yeah, "conspiracy to engage in... fill in the blank."  Whenever you need to build a case, just throw in the C word.

Team management immediately parted ways with Porter.  A wise decision.  After all, it's a major distraction when you're heading to Arrowhead Stadium for a tough road game.

Incidents like the Joey Porter one have decimated so many teams over the years.  Especially during the 2 week span between the championship games and the Super Bowl.  All kinds of bad stuff can happen.  Solicitation of a prostitute, fender bender automobile accident, domestic violence, bench warrant, anything regarding an evil marijuana doobie.  In modern day America, the world is literally your oyster.

Well, it got me to thinking.

If I was the general manager of an NFL team... and I knew we were likely to face an opponent in an upcoming do-or-die playoff game, I would covertly organize a "first strike" team of "football agitating hooligans" and deploy them accordingly.  Their sole purpose would be to go out, find the players, and try to instigate trouble.  Doesn't really take much effort to start a bar fight.  Just deliberately spill a drink on someone, pushing, shoving or a sucker punch, steal their bar stool, hurl some insults at their woman, etc.  It could be anything.

The objective being to "artificially manufacture" an incident which would serve as a "distraction." Let's face the facts.  Steelers had the early 1pm game.  Assuming they won (favored by 12 points at kick-off), you know these testosterone laden, multi-millionaire egomaniacs in their mid-20's are gonna hit the bars afterward.  And if it's Pittsburgh, they'll likely be congregating on the South Side, or maybe in the Strip District.  My point --- it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to scope out and survey the scene.

Then, you just stir up the shit storm.  Headlines are the goal.  Nobody really cares about the circumstances or the truth anymore.  You just need to cause trouble and reek havoc.

Hosting an additional playoff game is big money.  Let's see.  80,000 seats at roughly $150 per ticket = 12 million.  Not to mention the prestige and home field advantage.  Crappy merchandise, parking fees and all that goes with it.  Hey, those $10 Bud Light drafts don't sell themselves!  

Think about the stunts that teams are willing to pull when trying to gain a competitive advantage.  Spy-Gate, Deflate-Gate, hiring lip readers, food poisoning/colon cleanse, pulling the fire alarm at the team's hotel in the middle of the night.  All of this stuff actually happens.  Trust me, it's not some grand coincidence.

So why not take it to the next level?  You just need to make sure the bullshit hooliganism never gets connected with your team's front office.  And even if it did, it likely comes after the team is victorious and the money has been made.  Something Roger Goodell and Charlie Sheen have in common.  Winning.  Cha-Ching!

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