#403. You Can Call Her Val

Former Orlando Police Chief and current House member Val Demings (R-FL) recently announced her bid for U.S. Senate against wormy fuck and Trump ass-kissing sycophant Marco Rubio. 

I suspect she'll win the primary and then go on to become the second black female U.S. Senator since 1993's Carol Mosley Braun of Illinois.  I realize Florida is a predominantly red state.  But Rubio is just such a feckless politician.  Does anyone remember the woman who dressed up as "Robot Rubio?"  

That sign which probably cost about a buck had an infinite rate of return in terms of political capital.  I'd bring it back, but give the robot an orange body in deference to the Orange Prolapse.  Still, keep the silver head for that android aesthetic.

 

Rubio's personal bodyguard keeps the two separated.

If I were Val, I'd cut a commercial utilizing that imagery.   In high stakes political warfare, mocking and making fun of someone is always superior to the stale demonization and predictable, ad hominem Trumpian attacks.

 

You Can Call Her Val
sonofsaf

A cop is on the beat
She says, "Why do I play second fiddle, now?
Why do I play second fiddle now?
Why are the donuts filled with lard
I need the public to respect me
Eat free at all the restaurants
Don't wanna be an orange buffoon
Not a buffoon retard
Rubio, Rubio
Lookin’ for a big fight
Gonna be your next Senator
Kevin McCarthy, McCarthy
He’s in the minority
You know, I think that Donald Trump’s a fucking whore

If you run for Senator
I will vote for you my gal
Cast a vote for Demings
And Demings, when elected, you can call her Val

A cop is on the beat
She says, why is there no drug prevention
And some alcohol and booze prevention
You know I don’t wear a thong
Where's my life and victory?
What if Marco’s queer?
Long arm dick of the law
Long arm dick of the law is long, long
He’ll Superbad my pussy
In some crazy Hawaiian McLovin’ world
It’s a dong, a dong
Trump is insolent and impotent
Way below our expectations

If you run for Senator
I will vote for you my gal
Cast a vote for Demings
And Demings, when elected, you can call her Val
Call her Val

A cop walks on the beat
Stormy Daniels the porn world
Maybe it's the porn world
Maybe it's an Orange Prolapse clown
Likes a Big Mac sandwich
He’s born of infancy
He is just way too tan
He has a great big gock that’s round, it’s round
Battle for the human race
Blatherings and pornographers
He’s an ass clown, ass clown
Evil Angel and the anal asses
Dripping with insanity
She says, fuck all my holes and screw ya!

If you run for Senator
I will vote for you my gal
Cast a vote for Demings
And Demings, when elected, you can call her Val
Call her

Na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na, na na na-na na-na
Na na na na, na-na na-na na na
Na na na na, na na na na

If you run for Senator
Cast a vote for Demings
If you run for Senator
Cast a vote for Demings
If you run for Senator

 

You Can Call Me Al
Paul Simon

A man walks down the street
He says, "Why am I soft in the middle, now?
Why am I soft in the middle?
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard"
Bonedigger, Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away in my well-lit door
Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know, I don't find this stuff amusing anymore

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al

A man walks down the street
He says, "Why am I short of attention?
Got a short little span of attention
And, whoa, my nights are so long
Where's my wife and family?
What if I die here?
Who'll be my role model
Now that my role model is gone, gone?"
He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al
Call me Al

A man walks down the street
It's a street in a strange world
Maybe it's the third world
Maybe it's his first time around
Doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound, the sound
Cattle in the marketplace
Scatterings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says, "Amen and Hallelujah!"

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al
Call me

Na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na, na na na-na na-na
Na na na na, na-na na-na na na
Na na na na, na na na na

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can call you Betty
If you'll be my bodyguard
I can call you Betty
If you'll be my bodyguard

Challenging lyrics.  I could see why nobody's ever attempted a parody.  This one took a while.  

The Demings/Rubio clash  might end up being the most expensive race in the history of the U.S. Senate.  And quite possibly the nastiest.  A lot of those old white male retirees aren't gonna appreciate being represented by a confident, strong black woman.  As if the robotic, lil' Cuban punk wasn't bad enough. 

Paul Simon:

7-18-99, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA

7-8-01, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

6-16-04, Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (w/ Art Garfunkel.  Went with Shrill and left early.  What the hell were we thinking?)

9-7-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this material with Val Demings (R-FL), Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), and/or former President Donald J. Trump.