Tuesday, March 08, 2005

fast food

These days I make a conscious effort to avoid most fast food, with the exception of Subway and places that cater to the lighter side of things. I generally don't eat red meat, maybe a steak or hamburger about once every 2 months. Thus, I rarely eat at Burger King. However, I couldn't help but notice that new, truly bizarre commercial they have on tv. Who dreamed up this thing. The setting for the commercial - I think it's the fast food version of what heaven is. There are girls swinging in the clouds and a black guy (dressed like Rumplestilsken) is playing acoustic guitar while singing about the hottest new sandwich (I think it's called the bacon cheddar ranch). The idea of combining cheddar and ranch is pretty gross, but what's really weird is the guy singing. At first, I thought it was the black porn start guy from Boogie Nights, Don Cheaddie or Cheaddle or whatever. He was also nominated for an Oscar in the Hotel Rwanda movie. Then, last night I was watching the commercial and a friend said, "You probably want to eat one of those sandwiches because you can really appriciate the gayness of this commercial." I asked him, how on earth did they get the Don Cheaddie guy to do a Burger King commercial and he replied, "Dude, that's Hootie, from Hootie and the Blowfish." I couldn't believe it. It was indeed Hootie. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I remember when The Blowfish were on the arena/ampitheatre circuit. In fact, I saw a cd of Cracked Rearview Mirror at the Salvation Army for 50 cents a few days ago.
I generally don't like fast food commercials. It seems as though McDonalds is always trying to promote their willingness to hire the mentally retarded or the extreme elderly and infirmed. It's probably not politically correct to address this topic, but they had a commercial on about 10 years ago where this retarded guy was in charge of the fries. He resembled Corky from that horrible tv series Life Goes On. Anyway, during the commercial, he cries out "FRIES UP!" This would signify the end of the frying process. I thought they went a little overboard with the frenzied nature of those who are mentally challenged.
Did you know that McDonalds is the only city in the entire US that had to close two McDonalds? The one downtown and the one in Warwood. This stat may have changed - it was from a decade ago. Interesting though.
Here's some helpful hints about fast food in Wheeling.
Avoid the Burger King in Warwood at all costs. The place does very little business so the food just sits under the lights all day.
The Subway in Woodsdale is decent, but one of the workers found it challanging to make me a deli-style turkey sandwich. He asked what I wanted on it, and I said everything. He looked at me with this blank stare and said, "There's no room." I replied, "Yeah, just do the best you can." He shrugged and said ok.
Rax, the purveyor of synthetic roast beef, is also in Woodsdale. They used to have a salad bar where we'd steal garlic bread from in high school. I'm talking blatant theft - go up to the counter and ask for a brown bag and then casually walk to the back, dump the entire lot of garlic bread and stroll out through the front door. No gimmicks, no distractions. Just straight up theft.
Wendys in Elm Grove is acceptable.
Apparently, the McDonalds in Elm Grove is one of the best in the country. I've gone through the drive through and they always fuck up the order. They have extreme difficulty with condiment distribution.
The Hardees in Woodsdale used to be the busiest Hardees in the country. At first, you'd think No Way, in Wheeling. But yes way, they were. This could be attributed to the long lines of drunks who would storm the place at 3am on the weekends. This one guy Bill streaked the restaurant many years ago and it was none other than the infamous Amy Piko who won a contest, creating the name "Classic Cruisin Hardees." I think she won $1,000 and free food for a year. Not bad.
The Long John Silvers is totally disgusting. The smell from that place permeates the entire strip. How anyone can eat there is beyond me. If you have a fat fetish and truly admire corpulence, LJS cries out, "Hush Puppies" (what the fuck are those things anyway, fried dough?). Just uttering the word "Hush Puppy" is really embarrasing - at least for me.
A couple years ago they built an Arby's in Elm Grove. At the time, this was viewed as a major economic development. They even had to hire a cop to help with the traffic burden. The place was packed for several weeks as everyone in town just couldn't resist the place. I generally like Arby's though. I recommend the deli-style turkey sandwich. Not bad, half-way decent tailgating food.
There are other fast food places, but this entry is getting tedious. Later.

5 comments:

Ren said...

Agreed. Arby's is good. They have the best take-out salads. Good prices too. btw - Wheeling closed 2 McD's, not McDonalds. jeesh.

G Max said...

I haven't been to a McDonald's since 1996 due to a court ruling that bars me from every McDonald's in the world.

sonofsaf said...

Yeah... the theft of the wooden straw dispenser. A despicable act from a young insurgent G Max.
Let it be known that this blog stands for truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me AJ.

Hootie said...

Saf is GAY! I would like to shove a bacon cheddar ranch up your tight ass.

Love,
Hootie.

PS. Screw the blowfish -- never liked them anyway.

Hootie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.