Thursday, March 17, 2005

Kroger Salad Bar

Half the people in the U.S. incorrectly refer to Kroger as "Krogers". I am one of them. Maybe it's not a big deal, but what if one day, everyone starts saying "Giant Eagles" or "Food Lions". Then again, many among us say "Piggly Wigglies" even though I'm pretty sure it's just Piggly Wiggly. I hope that place went bankrupt - I find it disturbing that anyone would purchase food at something called Piggly Wiggly, with the exception of people from Mississippi and Alabama.
On the average, the Kroger produce dept. is pretty bad. I suppose it's ok if you want to buy a stalk of celery or a bag of carrots, but have you ever checked out the area on the left. Mangy zucchini, limp snow peas, discolored mushrooms and my personal favorite - a lone basket of 5 artichokes reasonably priced at $3.99 per choke. I know, I know - it's not artichoke season.
As for the actual salad bar, it's probably the best place to assemble your own salad. In Ohio County, not many options exist for those who want to add beets or chick peas. After all, beets tend to be red, and the color red is an instrument of Satan. I'm sure the typical Kroger shopper would agree with that assessment. Radishes also symbolize the bitterness one might experience if condemned to eternal damnation. This is the hell where godless sodomites gather and cast aspersions upon baby Jesus, Moses and even Ezekial. Don't believe me... then just hang out by the salad bar on Sunday after church lets out. I once spoke with an elderly woman (I believe her name was Harriet) - she was terrified by broccoflower. I tried to explain the concept of a hybrid vegetable. She said, and I quote, "If God didn't make it, I don't eat it. What are they going to clone next? Humans? I don't vote for anyone who wants genetic engineering. You should move to France!"
Some of the people in this town are also terrified of "cutting edge" lettuce. This would include, but is not limited too, Romaine, Escarole and even Spinach. Spinach is sometimes ok if it has been chopped and presented in a frozen block. Spinach reached the mainstream in late 1998 and was given its rightful opportunity on the salad bar. Edlerly locals staged a vehement protest at the Kroger help desk but opposition gradually waned. Shortly thereafter, iceberg and spinach would stand side by side.
One important note, there is a pile of pre-packaged pickles - these could be the absolute worst pickles ever produced. I think they're called Freestone or something. This reminds me of a sour experience I had back in 1995. I was living in Oglebay Village and for a short time, I was on this "I want to get free stuff kick". Anyway, I started calling 800 numbers on the back of food products. I'd complain and they'd send me a coupon for free canned asparagus, or whatever. Anyway, I once called the Claussen people and complained about their pickes. I actually like Claussen pickles - so when they asked me what the problem was, I stuttered and mumbled that there was a nail at the bottom of the jar. The woman on the other end of the line was flabbergasted and said they'd immediately look into it. Anyway, the next day a man in a suit showed up at my door from somewhere in Pittsburgh (he had PA plates). He said he was a quality control specialist with Claussen and asked to see the tainted jar. I immediately knew the gig was up. I started sweating profusely and yelled at him to get the hell off my porch. Then I ran back in the apt. and slammed the door. He knocked a few more times as I hid in my apartment. This is the true definition of cowardice.
Anyway, Kroger Salad bar isn't great, but it's the best we've got to offer. On a scale of 1-10, it gets a 7.1.

5 comments:

Ren said...

The Claussen story alone was worth you having a blog.

G Max said...

There is one problem with the salad bar. Kroger(s) charges by weight. All that healthy crap is floating in water that adds to the weight. And look out for that cheese. That's some heavy shit. Personally, I prefer buying the bagged medley of lettuce and veggies. It's much cheaper and hasn't been exposed to a bunch of disease infested, satan-loving customers.

sonofsaf said...

G max makes a valid point. The weight of a sliced beet is troublesome.
Ren - the pickle story was quite traumatic. The only other time I had to hide in my apt. was when this 6'4" woman aptly named "Bigbird" would walk back and forth in front of my apt. with her kid in a stroller. She'd chant "Eric, Eric, are you in there?" It was freakish. From what I understand, Bigbird had "webbed feet - a condition where there is no space between your toes." Equally freakish.

CHRISTIE said...

Ah yes! I recall the freebie days - I still have my free Mr. Bubbles tshirt. You could probably do a complete blog on Village stories alone. I just recalled the time you ran out of candy for Halloween so you started handing out packets of soy sauce, ketchup and matches. That caused quite a stir with the white trash mothers of the Village.
As for the Krogers salad bar - I have on occasion seen people use their grumby fingers instead of the tongs. Nice.

sonofsaf said...

Yeah, I remember the Halloween of condiments. My secret hope was that one of the kids would open up a packet of duck sauce and say, "Mommy, it tastes like jelly."
The matches were truly an accident - when the cop showed up, he said, "If I have to come back here, somone's going downtown."
I believe a few condoms also found there way into the Halloween bags fo the Station youth. This was actually a political statement about reckless procreating in the Village/Station. It wasn't well received either.