It's official. We're in a recession, no duh. High gas prices, slumping housing market, corporate layoffs, Dick Cheney's sagging ballsack, soaring health care costs, etc. But what's the solution?
John McCain inspired us all by offering a one time payout of 300 million dollars to anyone who can create the perfect battery fueled zero-emission automobile. He also offered up the "gas tax holiday" so everyone could save 15 cents a gallon for a month or so. Both these ideas suck for a myriad of reasons too numerous to expound upon.
Anyway, I was watching some AWA Wrestling from the mid 1980's a week ago and it gave me a stellar idea. Remember how they used to put "a bounty on the head of someone" - it was basically a cash payout for knocking someone unconscious or maybe drawing blood if the wrestler had a pretty face. I think the most notable bounties in wrestling history were placed upon Tommy "Wildfire" Rich and "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes (but they were both WCW and that's largely irrelevant).
So here is my proposition...
I have decided to place a bounty of $100 on the popcorn machine at TJ's Sportsgarden & Restaraunt at 808 National Road, Wheeling, WV. You're probably asking, "what the fuck is he talking about? How do you beat up a popcorn machine at a low-end restaurant?" Here's how to collect - this bounty has a few specifics. All the steps must be acquired on video and youtubed.
Step 1 - Start getting drunk at the 19th Ho.
Step 2 - Stagger over to TJ's.
Step 3 - Walk in the entrance and throw up in their popcorn machine.
An extra $20 bonus payment can be acquired if, post-vomit, you give everyone in the restaurant the "suck it" sign. That means forming an "X" with your arms over the crotchal region while simultaneously yelling "suck it" or "let's get ready to suck it."
Note: The amount of puke must be semi-verifiable via the videotaped footage. I'm not demanding measuring cups but I'm not paying out if someone just goes over there and starts spitting/hacking in the popcorn machine.
So there you go. It's out there. Let's give this slumping Wheeling economy a kick in the ass. Remember the words of our outgoing mayor, "Think not what Wheeling can do for you. Think what you can do for Wheeling!"