Saturday, November 28, 2009

nativity scene

I noticed an absolutely exquisite nativity scene on the way home and it got me to thinking. As a self-described master of sign manipulation, perhaps it's time to take it to the next level. Yes, I've enjoyed altering a marquee or two (or 378) in my time. I usually try to rearrange the lettering to convey an entirely different message or if I'm on fire, the exact opposite message. It's difficult, but when the planets are aligned just right, there's a full moon and I've had just the right amount of scotch...

Anyway, this nativity scene has some pretty impressive statues. Most of the replicas are waist high and appear to be made of wood. I'm not much of an expert on the nativity scene. I'm guessing it's the same as a manger scene, right? There's the baby Jesus, Mary the mom, I'm guessing the 4 or 5 other guys are the "wise-men." Not exactly sure what makes them so wise. They were there for the big day, so I guess that makes them sufficiently wise. They were in the right place at the right time. Hell, if I could scalp tickets to a modern day nativity scene, I'd make a bundle and I'm sure the wise men would have been financially compensated as well as any deserving hedge fund manager. And the local municipality of Bethlehem, WV would be an ideal choice for the nativity. Not only does it overlook my home, it's in a good centralized location with convenient I-470 access.

And there's a few animals in the scene as well. I noticed a few sheep, 2 camels and there was some kind of donkey/ass hybrid. Maybe it was a wildebeest - hard to discern.
Anyway, considering my vast years of sign manipulation, maybe it's time to STEP IT UP and inspire future generations. After all, this is a Christian Nation... right? Here's what I'm thinking. Now stay with me. If you slightly altered some of the relative positioning of these characters, you could have the first ever pornographic nativity scene with just a light hint of bestiality. And since I've already been repeatedly condemned to spend eternity in hell (for past transgressions), it doesn't really matter. I've got nothing to lose. No harm no foul.

Alright, here's the specs. First, you'd want to have a straight up sodomy scene with two of the wise men. One is hunched over admiring baby Jesus, so all you'd have to do is lean the wise guy up against the other crouched wise man. We could call it Hidden Penis, Crouching Wise Guy.
The sheep scene would be easy. Basically, just go with a straight-forward humping theme. Done. Now here's where it gets a little weird. For some of you, we may have already gotten there. There's this camel that's seated, but his neck and head are up in there air. Fortunately and regrettably, that puts him in the perfect position to deliver fellatio to one of the wise men. As the recipient, he'd be discreetly enjoying himself yet remain surprisingly nonchalant.
Finally, here's the lynch-pin of the operation. And this is where I'm obviously going to take a little heat. I would place the baby Jesus in its crib/blanket on top of the donkey's back. As he rests peacefully without a care in the world, the Mother Mary is underneath the donkey in the much heralded, but almost never utilized, 69 position. One of the sheep or final wise-men could be observing, waiting patiently for his turn.
There also might be a chicken which really opens up a new world of possibilities. I'll need to take a closer look the next time I drive by.
Rest assured, my intention here is not to upset anyone, just maybe shake things up a little in smalltown USA. And most important, in keeping with the long-standing tradition of sign alteration, there is absolutely no tolerance for vandalism. This is the most fundamental and sacred principle of the sign altering code of ethics. All I'd be doing is about 70 seconds worth of repositioning. And if it ever gets done, I'm thinking maybe December 25... ohhh, I'd say about 5:30am sounds about right. Application of the relative time theory literally begs for this in our new age of asymmetrical warfare. In all honesty, I doubt I'll be awake.

Since it's the holiday season, one final thought. I used to work with this demented woman named Kathy at the Bears Against Drugs telemarketing operation. She'd chain smoke her cheap menthols and had this quirky manner of talking on the phone - straight run-on sentences to avoid being interrupted. And she'd methodically read the obituaries and make these crazed comments to anyone who would bother listen. Although I'd egg her on, most would ignore her. One time she's reading about a deceased young boy named Timmy. She started singing this song aloud, "Santa's got lots of toys, for all the girls and boys." Then she tilts her head, looks at me and says, "Well, except for Timmy, he's dead!" I'll never escape that warped, haunting voice.

Alright, one more Bears Against Drugs story. They once hired this 20 something kid who could neither read nor write. He was there for maybe 2-3 days and then they had to fire him, or he quit - I do not know. Anyway, every once in a while, someone would inquire - "Where do the proceeds go for this charitable cause?" Considering that the whole operation was a money-making sham, we were told to offer up one legitimate explanation. We'd tell people that some of the money goes to stock teddy bears in all the troopers' cruisers so in case they come upon an accident where a child has been traumatized, they can give the kid a "Teddy Hug-A-Bear" til the proper counseling agents arrive at the scene. This would theoretically help pacify the child as his remaining family members were extracted from the minivan using the jaws of life. Anyway, one time an old woman asked the "where does the money go" question to the new kid. He starts screaming into the phone, "Ma'am, trooper give 'em Teddy Hug-A-Bear. It makes 'em understand! Yes Ma'am! It makes 'em understand! Ma'am, trooper give 'em Hug-A-Bear! Hug-A-Bear Ma'am!" This may have been the greatest moment in the entire history of the West Virginia Troopers Association and their scandal-ridden Bears Against Drugs program. To this day, I doubt the old woman understood what the fuck he was yelling about, but trust me... I assure you... I understand!


Anonymous said...

This is just sad :(

Anonymous said...

All information has been provided to the Wheeling P.D. and the Ohio County Sheriff's Office.