Sunday, November 22, 2009

Palin book signing

So I went to the Sarah Palin book signing at Sam's Club in Washington, PA yesterday. I got there at 11:10am, right when she emerged from her tour bus. It truly was a rock concert atmosphere, and lo and behold, I was prepared. Armed with my sign, I headed into the fray...

4,000 YEARS OLD ?


The thing that distinguishes my sign from all others - My sign ain't some ghetto marker bullshit. I used vinyl lettering and had it stapled to wooden posts with a triangular backdrop, thus enhancing its stature. Once you elevate the sign above crowd level, you're begging for the added attention.
I received some surprisingly positive vibes out front for a a while. Several people wanted pictures and I was more than happy to oblige. Then, this Associated Press guy told me the line was on the side. Giddy with excitement, I turned the Sam's Club corner and saw a massive throng of probably 1,200. Witnessing this crowd of Palinites emboldened everything I stand for. At this instant, the sole purpose for my entire existence became refreshingly clear. I was going to PISS THEM OFF.
I hoisted my sign with unmitigated exuberance. As I said, there's a key to a good sign - you have elevate it above eye level. That way, everyone has to see it. They don't have a fucking choice. Anyway, a few scattered boos immediately erupted. Then, a chant of GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME! This mad me feel alive! My blood was pulsating as I started "pumping" the sign in the air.
"Hey, I'm just expressing my first amendment rights at this pleasant book signing." An embittered old man yelled, "Hey, Obama thinks there's 57 states!" Another beckoned, "Look at the lonely Democrat!" I just smiled with the giddiness of a 13 year old girl checking her myspace account. I "heart" this shit! Then, the crowd starts chanting "SARAH SARAH SARAH!"
So a Sam's Club rep comes out and tells me I have to leave. I tell him I'm not going to budge. By then, the crowd had softened and the ridicule had become increasingly sporadic. I tell him, "If you want me gone, you'll have to get the manager. I don't understand why this guy's allowed to have a sign (Some mo-ron had a piece of shit sign that said "GO SARAH GO" - how inventive!) and I'm not permitted to show mine. Anyway, he gets the "real" manager and 2 Wash Pa cops. The one cop looked at me and smiled while silently mouthing the words "I like your sign." The other cop was totally unamused. He flashed me this look of disgust, but I don't think it was directed at me. It was more of a "why the fuck am I here on a Saturday morning at a Sarah Palin book signing in Western Pennsylvania look."
I tried to get the WTAE camera guy and reporter to take an active interest. "What's it going to take for me to get this sign on the news?" The reporter dude asked me, "Exactly what are you hoping to accomplish?" I fired back, "I'm trying to piss everyone off. What do you think I'm tryin to do? Let's git'r'dun!" Then he said, "Well, if they arrest you, we'd probably put that on the news." "Well, I want to go running and hit this party later. It's called the Feast of Friends but some call it The Annual Fisting of Friends." I don't think he had a clue where I was coming from.
Anyway, the manager guy is begging me to leave. "Sir, I have a family. Will you please just leave. This is private property." I started hedging a bit, trying to rally the crowd but they weren't galvanized like before. All of a sudden, this autistic teenage kid charges at me, yelling and flailing. He narrowly missed me, his mother chasing after him. After another 10 minutes or so of gabbing back and forth with the manager, I relented, "Alright, I'm outta here." As I walked away, there was a spattering of applause. I just nodded.
In any event, I think it was a worthwhile experience. I managed to piss off a thousand hardcore Palin lovers in a congested setting. And Notre Dame lost in double OT. I'd say it was a good day. Good day.


Anonymous said...

you betcha! that some funny shit

Lemmy Caution said...

That was awesome. Good job sir.

Anonymous said...

This is Stacy...Loved the blog but the funniest part was at the end when the autistic teen ran at you, raging....good times!!!

Renea said...

Love it!!!

Anonymous said...

"love it", "That was awesome." Good job sir.","This is Stacy...Loved the blog but the funniest part was at the end when the autistic teen ran at you, raging....good times!!!"
what a bunch of assholes!!!!!!!!

Why not say, I'd love to suck your cock Saf."
Can I lick your balls and gargle with your cum Saf?