Sunday, February 06, 2011

canned humor

Canned jokes are the lowest the lowest form of humor. A rabbi, a priest and Chewbacca walk into a bar... Yeah, I get it. Listen asshole, you just stole 3 minutes of my existence and I'll never be able to get it back. Plus, we couldn't hear you because the music was blaring so we had to lurch forward and absorb your Camel cigarette breath. I fucking hate you. I didn't know when to laugh because I wasn't paying attention. None of us were. When the excruciating agony was complete, all of us politely chuckled solely for your benefit. And it's always the same uninspired douchebags that repeat their brand of humor at will. No amount of treachery will stop them. And after they're done, they all seem to wander toward the bartender... "Can I get a Bud Light and a Jagerbomb?" What the fuck is wrong with these people?

And people have an honest problem with Hosni Mubarak. He might be the wealthiest dictator on the planet, but I assure you, I doubt the guy tells knock-knock jokes.

Anyway, I just thought of a joke. Feel free to use it today. It's only good for February 6, Super Bowl Sunday.

"Did you hear the news? They just announced that Roethlisberger is out!"

Anyone will respond, "What??? What happened?"

"He's injured. They're gonna start Byron Leftwich."

Then they'll say, "Yeah, but what the fuck happened?"

"Well, he's out with gonorrhea."

I actually do know one canned joke. It's the only one I'll tell. It's quick, to the point, you're in and you're out. So if people don't find it palatable, it's not as though a great deal of harm was done.

Question: "Do you know what Jon Bon Jovi's aunt's name is?"

Answer: "Anchovy."

See, neither offensive nor terribly annoying. The next time someone asks me if I want to hear one of their shitty laborious jokes, I'm going to respond, "No thanks. I'd rather shave my head with a cheese grater while sliding down a razor banister." *

* I stole that line from an old Cheers episode.


Anonymous said...

Stick to your day job. LOL.

Anonymous said...

...and we will depart for Bon Jehovah in about one hour. Wish us luck. My sign will read:



Gig doesn't know what hers will say. I think it should use Bon Jehovah.