Sunday, February 13, 2011

Department of Homeland Spelling




Much appreciation goes out to the Department of Homeland Security. I too am concerned about the accidential exposure of mayonaise at the concessation stands.


Here's your taxpayer dollars at work. This trillion dollar government agency publishes a 73 page report on the ins and outs of evacuating a stadium. Apparently their spell-check doesn't function adequately in these worthless charts. But at the very least, you'd assume that someone would bother to proof read the documents before uploading them to a government website. Perhaps my expectations are over-inflated. Seriously though, what the fuck is this? This level of incompetence makes me think they should bring back the color coded terror alert. After all, that bad mayonnaise could raise the threat level from "elevated" to "severe."

Aside from the spelling errors, to quote my friend Jacinta from St. Andrews Beach, Australia, this entire document is PURE RUBBISH. The whole thing is about bureaucratic ass-covering. So when a stadium panic eventually happens, Janet Napolitano can come out and say, "Well, we have spent considerable time and resources addressing this issue, but regrettably no one could have adequately foreseen the ensuing tragedy."

Seriously though, I read the entire document. Trust me, it's borderline ludicrous. They basically outline every conceivable reason a stadium might need to be evacuated. Well... except for the most likely one. The report sifts through potential weather related issues, chemical weapons dispersal, snipers, truck bombs, even the bad mayonnaise. Haven't they shifted to those indestructible packets in every stadium? Maybe the Dept. of Homeland Security should issue the following alert - "In the interest of national security, the government will immediately begin enforcing a ban on mayonnaise dispensers in all recreational venues nationwide. All mayonnaise dispensation can only occur via packet form. It is our sincere desire to "bring out the best" in all future mayonnaise related endeavors.*

* The Obama administration has no vested financial interest in Hellman's mayonnaise or other Unilever related products.

For some reason I always thought Hellman's was a Kraft product. Enough.

Back to my point, all this report does is outline any potential calamitous event. Then, in their infinite wisdom, they call for increased cooperation between the municipality and first responders. Brilliant! There is no mention whatsoever of what would actually transpire in the case of a sudden emergency evacuation. I say fuck the mayonnaise dilemma, in a mass panic I'd be swiping a handful of jalapeno juice from the concessation stand and rubbing it some old lady's face. Hey, anything to gain additional leverage. But if you want a real joke, check out this emergency stadium evacuation simulation from Dusseldorf, Germany. Who the fuck commissioned this reenactment? What the fuck is this? You must click on this link.

I think they must have collaborated with the U.S. government. What other organization is capable of wasting everyone's time and money? I love how all the color-coded artificial humans march single file out the exit. They should have used blue colored androids. Maybe even have Blue Man Group performing in the background. Just a hint of realism. Is that too much to ask? But honestly, this simulation takes crowd control to a new level of absurdity. Just a couple nights ago, I was climbing over chairs at the crappy Bon Jovi concert at Consol. And there was no panic whatsoever. I just didn't feel like waiting the additional 50 seconds.

Anyway, if you need a good chuckle, go to the Dept. of Homeland of Security's website and search on "stadium evacuation." In good conscience and as a matter of principle, I cannot waste the precious bandwidth on copying and pasting their shit.

I think I'm going to start referring to them as the Department of Homeland Insecurity. Weren't these the same morons who caused a run on duct tape well into 2002? I'll admit though, the shit does come in handy. I will wholeheartedly endorse anything that could be used to muzzle Sarah Palin.

Our beloved Dept. of Homeland Insecurity. Preserving our freedoms, protecting America. What a fucking colossal joke. I only wish I was laughing.

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