Callista Gingrich will soon be sodomized (but not by Sandusky)

I watched some of the Republican debate recap this morning.  Good stuff.  I've come to one conclusion... The Republican party has really fucked itself.   I think the Iowa caucuses are going to provide no clear-cut winner.  And I think ALL of the Republican candidates, especially the lesser-tier (Santorum, Bachmann, Huntsman) will spin it that way in their post interviews.  I think they'll all say the same thing - "Iowa didn't give us a clear preference... so we're going forward to New Hampshire and South Carolina, Florida and so on."  Perry's probably thinking along the same lines except it's New Mexico, South of the Border, Panama, and so forth.

Every candidate seems to occupy a niche within the right wing.  And it's diluting everyone's brand.  Now factor in the aggressive retail campaigning of Santorum and Paul, even Bachmann.  They all have strong ground games.  Organization is critical in the caucus setting.  Unlike myself, some of these voters will sit in a church basement for over two hours.  Is it any wonder all of the candidates are so desperate to appeal to the anti-gay, prayer in school, religious fodder?  Look who has won the Iowa primary in the past - Pastor Huckabee, the fucking Reverend Pat Robertson for cryin' out loud? Seriously, what the fuck is that???  Still, the higher-tiered candidates fight back with heavy advertising.  Makes for a tangled mess.  Which I think is completely cool.  And why wasn't Jon Huntsman at the debate?  Betting your entire candidacy on New Hampshire is horribly naive for someone trying to portray themselves as a sensible, reasonable politician.  Much like Giuliani bet it all on Florida in the last go-around.  Bad move.  He never really stood a chance anyway.

And when Romney extended that $10,000 bet to Rick Perry, Perry should have said, "Uh Mitt, Mormon's don't gamble."  Could have raised himself another mil.  Regrettably, Perry ain't that quick on his feet, err uh, cowboy boots.

So anyway, the point of this blog.  A couple weeks ago I wrote about how Gingrich, or for that matter any of the field, could destroy Mitt Romney's campaign.  So this entry will be about how to annihilate Newt Gingrich.  Let's just say the gloves are going to come off.  I think Romney's team or a conveniently affiliated 527 group is gonna go after Newt's wife.  F'in A!  They could show that stoic, botoxed smile of hers when they bring up Newt cheating with Callista while his cancer-stricken wife was lying in a hospital bed.  The images would be brutal.  How's that for a negative attack ad.  This is the ultimate crushing death blow.  I'll put it in UFC terms - it's the Jon Jones guillotine choke on Lyoto Machida.  You can't counter it, because you've been knocked out.  Or if you prefer a 1980's wrestling reference - it's that lard-ass, monster-boobed New Yorker, Adrian Adonis, latching on with a sleeper hold. 

Newt has shown that he can handle all the smear tactics.  And Newt seems less immune to the flip-flop charges because he's viewed a fighter.  The acrimony recanted by fellow Republicans he served with in the House - nobody seems interested in hearing about it.  Charges that he was a "lobbyist" for Freddie Mac - they just don't seem to stick.  And he has distanced himself from all the ethics violations from the 90's (Although I think it's an issue, I really don't think most Americans care about it).  All that stuff, it just bounces off him... kind of like a Teflon-Newt.  I'm tellin' you what.  Newt Gingrich is the John Gotti of politics.  So when the gloves really do come off, they'll go after Callista - that devious, cheating mistress.  She's really an inviting target.  Hey, what the hell, let's bring back images of her and the gaudy jewelry from Tiffany's.  Photoshop a picture of her wearing multiple strands of pearls and a diamond-encrusted tiara.   Bring on the bling.  The first ever "conniving, scheming, deceitful, mistress shrew-bitch."  Is this really who we want as President and "first lady?"

I can't be the only one devising this strategy.  Romney's team probably calls it the "bombardment option."  "Nuclear option" might not be a politically correct term at the moment.  They probably polled a focus group of Iranian-American dissidents.  Now you could make the claim... what if it backfires?  Newt might appear courageous in coming to the defense of his wife (although he would refer to it as an act of "obstinate chivalry").  But it's hard to defend the honor of a woman who looks so phony and synthetic.  And something in my gut (which has added about 7 pounds recently - not kewl, need to start running again) tells me she just couldn't handle the humiliation.  How cool would that be.  She would go B-A-N-A-anas.  I could even envision watching her run.  Yeah, right.  Running straight to her family doctor for a maximum strength Xanax prescription.  Hell, let's make fun of her in that way too.  Just say that Callista is sooo privileged.  In her case, it's the doctor that must make the rare house-call.  For she is a real life sedentary Barbie-princess. 

The best scenario would be for Romney to get another candidate to the dirty work.  Rick Perry has demonstrated with an unusual degree of skilled acumen that he indeed could be this perfect dolt.  The guy literally cries out - "I am a complete joke and I have a ton of money to spend.  My campaign team raised all this cash.  Would one of you real candidates please exploit me?  I'm beggin' ya."

On an entirely different note, I have grown really sick of Tim Tebow and the in-your-face proselytizing.  I've never cared for Roethlisberger either (and his relentless pointing to the heavens above).  But I tolerate him cuz it's Pixburgh na't.  But Tebow?  I despise, loathe, detest and have a great deal of animosity for.  I'd love to see Ray Lewis or Terrell Suggs knock him out in Denver.  This could happen.  What if the Ravens head to Mile High (er uhh, Invescothon) as the 5th wild card seed.  I hope Tebow's Christian ass gets repeatedly pummeled with a hint of broken spine.  Wouldn't it be absolutely insane if Tim ended up like our friend TIMMY! (think South Park character).  Alright, that's enough.  I'll stop before I say something really hurtful.  Well... just one more thing.  We really need a high profile NFL player who's a devout atheist or worships the devil.  I'd even break from steadfast tradition and buy an officially licensed jersey.  Everyone else gets to celebrate this time of year.  Why not me?  Seriously, is this asking too much?

But I do stand by my assessment - I think we're going to see a vicious Callista Gingrich lynching in the very near future.  It's the most plausible, effective way to take out Newt.  Poor Callista.  We hardly knewt you.  I love politics.  I cannot wait.