Thursday, June 28, 2012


In one of the most heavily anticipated Supreme Court rulings over the last 100 years or so, my only question is this...  how did CNN manage to fuck everything up?  Talk about Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.  Tom Hanks, try this one for size...

10 minutes later!  Aren't these supposed to be the best and brightest minds in the world of journalism?  For Christ sake, these are the journa-jisms that cover the U.S. Supreme Court.  They're supposed to be the cream of the crop.  Maybe they should start using the hobos who hang outside West Virginia Business College.  My hunch is they'd be chain smoking on the steps outside the Supreme Court and the conversation would unfold like this...

Bubba Ray:  "They're a sayin' the verdick's in!"

Jimbo: "Well daggum-it, whadda we do now?"

Bubba Ray: "I got an idear.  Let's just wait and see what the other news station says.  And den we'll just copycat their stupid asses!"

Jimbo: "Yeah!  Great idea, Bubba!"

This would be the Fox News approach.  Seriously, why even bother to try and break the news first when you already know it's all about the slant and spin?  At least, MSNBC got it right.  I guess Fox did as well (about 15 minutes later).  Fuck it... 2 out three ain't bad.

Anyway, I heard CNN's crack-team of journalists (heavy emphasis on the word "crack") are working on some new headlines...

Breaking News: 

Jerry Sandusky innocent on all counts.  Set to replace Kathleen Sebelius as Director of the Department of Health and Human Services.

Michelle Obama to undergo sex change operation.  Will become the first ever "Second Dude."

Portugal Downs Spain on penalty kicks.  Spain is out.

Osama Bin Laden seen partying with Batboy at the 19th Hole in Wheeling, WV.  Bar tab includes bucket of Bud Light Lime and capacola sub (purposely misspelled).

Sonofsaf embraces Catholicism.  Undergoes rare crick baptismal.


We've seen this shit happen before and I'm not talkin' Dewey vs. Truman.

Does anyone remember Gabby Giffords?  She's dead.  No wait, she's alive.  Well, it doesn't really matter I guess.  You see... she got shot (Forrest Gump explaining what happened to his friend Bubba).  

I guess my point is this.  When the real shit breaks (the stampedes), it will be utter chaos and absolute confusion.  If we can't get the most "respected, trusted" lead source to get it right when they have weeks to adequately prepare, how on earth will they have a clue when the shit unfolds in real-time.

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