Saturday, June 23, 2012

Gockey (golf/hockey)... a great game currently embraced by no one

During my teen years, I invented an easy outdoor game.  To this day, I've never seen anyone replicate the idea.  It requires 3 things.  All inexpensive.  A hockey stick, some different colored inflatable bouncy balls (the kind you used to see at the end of the aisle in the large wire containers at the supermarket - they usually cost between $1.00 - $2.00) and a few large inner tubes (in West Virginia, we call 'em intertubes).  You can buy them from any tire wholesaler for about $6 or so.  If you'd rather not purchase intertubes, you can use discarded tires.  But intertubes are definitely superior. 

If you don't wish to purchase the rubberized inflatable balls, just swing by a McDonalds play pen and physically seize them.  As you exit, it's customary to yell, "Pink slime, mother fuckers!"  Higher end Micky D's sometimes have an indoor, urine-soaked, bouncy ball, bladder-filled fun room.  Or maybe you could hit up the local county fair kiddie zone (Sandusky style, of course) with a giant trash bag and perform some kind of "snatch and stash." 

The fundamental concept of gockey is the same as golf.  Your mission - get the bouncy ball to land inside the confines of the inner tube.  Simply tee off with a decent sized swing (similar to a light slap shot).  You can actually get the ball to fade and hook depending on your stance and the physical exertion of your swing.  And the strength of the wind is often a factor.  Just set up the inner tubes around any decent sized plot of land.  An acre is usually sufficient.  The more obstacles, the better - trees, a shed, tall grass, a pool, etc.  Hillside terrain makes it significantly more entertaining.  If you reside in Kansas, I would suggest it's time to move.  Long overdue because you suck... based solely on your decision to reside there.  But let me be clear, I do have the utmost respect for University of Kansas Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little, despite her complete failure to acknowledge either of the letters I sent her (the first one dated March 1, 2012 and the second one dated April 20, 2012).

Par 3's, 4's and 5's are the norm.  Anything concrete or asphalt (roads, driveways, etc) is the same as landing in water (add a penalty stroke and take a drop next to where it made initial contact).  As you approach the intertube, you'll use the hockey stick to "lift the ball in" rather than take a full swing.  It's easy once you get the hang of it.  A great man once said, "Any idiot can do it.  You can do it."

Some of the inner tubes can be partially deflated (adds a new dimension and makes you strategically adjust).  Hole-in-ones are rare but happen every once in a while.  Keeping score is easy.  Once again, I must reiterate... Any idiot can do it.  You can do it.

The true beauty of "gockey" is the derivation of the root word "gock" which is a combination of gut and cock.  It's comparable to the female equivalent "gunt" (the midsection where gut merges with cunt).  Oddly enough, I am the originator/founder of the word "gock" as is well referenced in the "Art" chapter of my Odd oh Biography.  You've likely grown accustomed to hearing the more urbane, sophisticated term... muffintop.  But let me assure, the future is pure gunt.  And the future is grim.

Another cool thing about gockey is that it's pretty damn cheap.  Golf and hockey are really expensive sports for kids.  You're always upgrading and replacing clubs, shoes, gloves, skates.  And there's always the green fees and hockey association membership dues.  Not so with gockey.  The only "repair" kit you might need is a handheld air pump.  Occasionally, the bouncy balls will deflate a bit after receiving repeated Sandusky-esque hammerings.  But all in all, they're pretty resilient. 

Gockey is fun for the entire family (ages 6-60).  If you truly wish to be "lovin' the fam" (from what I can tell, anything that involves "lovin the fam" is all the new rage on facebook), I suggest you climb aboard now.  Giddey-up (Kramer)!

No comments: