Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Jerry Sandusky / warped Seinfeld adaptation humor

Last night, Gigi told me she's heading to State College (Bellefonte, PA) to cover the Jerry Sandusky trial.  Oh, happy day.  Rather than go for the obvious regurgitated low-brow-canned-humor-one-liner-jokes, I remembered that several people at WPXI are self-proclaimed Seinfeld aficionados.  So I devised this loosely related Seinfeldesque top 6 list.  I was going to do a Top 10, but I need to get a shower and I'm afraid my water pressure is going to fade out (as it routinely does on a 7 hour cycle).

Remember, these aren't one-liners.  They're adaptations... so you have to give me some "bloggetic" latitude. 

Top 6 Seinfeld related observations about Jerry Sandusky:

1) Cedar Point and Sandusky have one thing in common: they both treat their bodies like an amusement park. (masturbation episode)

2) (referencing his testicles) They're real, and they're spectacular! (Salman Rushdie episode)

3) "Nobody sodomizes like me.  Nobody.  I'm doing things in this locker room... you have no idea what's going on."  (George Costanza in the parking spot dispute episode.  He's talking to Elaine while they're driving back from the flea market... explaining his phenomenal driving skills).

4) "Jerry (Sandusky), just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."  (lie detector episode)

5) "I don't trust the guy.  I think he molested, then he remolested, and now he's using a charitable organization as a springboard to a Happy Valley sex romp."  (Superbowl/ baby label maker jr.  episode).

6) You very bad man, Jerry.  Very bad man. - (Pakistani deportation episode w/ Babu)


I'll come up with another 4 and finish it up later.  The convenient alliteration (Jerry Seinfeld/Jerry Sandusky) really helps the cause.  And yeah, I know... it's in horribly bad taste.  I might alter the format.  Say... "Jerry Sandusky to stand trial, not Jerry Seinfeld.  Confusion persists."


sonofsaf said...

As promised here's the rest of them...

7) "Is this guy a football coach or Caligula?" (Roman emperor Gaius Caesar Germanicus, whose nickname was Caligula and was known for his sexual perversity). Jerry wondering why Tim Whatley, his dentist, has a Penthouse displayed in the waiting room.

8) "Little Jerry Sandusky! I named my penis after you." (Kramer referencing his rooster in the cockfighting episode)

9) "I'm Jerry Sandusky, the ass man" OR "The ass man's in town!" (Kramer in the proctologist episode)

10) I'll leave #10 up to the imagination of hardcore Seinfeld fans and anyone who had the unmitigated temerity to click on the comment section.

Anonymous said...

Sandusky went from watching Vincent's picks to Gene's picks! Much like Elaine, Sandusky will not like Weekend At Bernie's 2.

sonofsaf said...

I might create a "Jerry Sandusky bucket list." All the things he wants to do before getting thrown in a federal penitentiary. Rest assured, the previous list would pale in comparison.