Thursday, June 21, 2012

cotton candy... room for improvement


I've never been a big fan of cotton candy.   Considering Mayor Bloomberg's recent crackdown on giant sodas (in West Virginia we call 'em pops), I'm surprised he hasn't tried to reign in the sugar-aeration industry.  Seriously though, why do people consume this shit?  Personally, I think the stuff looks like crooked boxing promoter Don King's up-do.















Think about it.

You're at a Buccos game.  It's hot and sticky, somewhere in the realm of 7800 degrees fahrenheit.  The 2005 American Idol winner "Daughtry" is about to serve up a late-night can of whoop ass to a rocking crowd of 2,004 fans who braved a Pirates 8-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals.  An elderly Zelienople grandmother casually picks her nose as she lectures a group of raucous teens about fan etiquette.  The faint smell of body odor stagnates next to a Joe the Plumber lookalike.  In the all-you-can-eat outfield section, a fat slob valiantly tries to text his buddy.  The auto-correct does a fairly decent job despite the rotundity of his forefinger.   All of a sudden, a roving concessionaire cries out "COTTON CANDY... HERE !!!!"  It's some new up'n'comer trying to follow in the footsteps of the recently deceased "lemonade guy."

This self-anointed "sugar daddy" hoists a wide palette of pink mayhem above his head.  Nearby children marvel at the deceptive feat of strength (Frank Costanza).  A 9 year old preteen wearing a t-shirt that reads "Princess Hottie" yells to her father, "Daddy... gimme money!  I want cotton candy.  It's pink.  LOL.  Ya know, for boobie cancer awareness month!"  The entire section lets out a collective laugh.  Her mom jubilantly addresses the audience, "Ohh Chantilly, you're such a ham!"  She blurts back, "Mommy, I thought we were kosher."  Yet again, the crowd submits to the spontaneous chicanery.  Praise the joy.

Enough.  So here's my point.  Why is cotton candy, once termed candy floss and even "fairy floss" by the Aussies, always the color pink?  It's merely a dye-infused option.  I realize the color pink visually grabs the consumer.  But why not design the cotton candy so it's consistent with the colors of the team?  In Pixburgh, yep you guessed it, it would be black and gold.  If your team's the Ravens, then yeah... it's purple.  If you're unfortunate enough to reside in Cleveland, it's brown.  If you're at the gay pride parade, it's all the magical colors of the rainbow.

I believe this idea has merit.

A.  It's a tremendous visual.

B.  It preys upon the douchebag who wraps their entire identity around the local sports team (the most susceptible, easiest pigeon next to compulsive/impulsive purse buying women).

C.  It's really easy.  Just change the color of the dye.

D.  Conceptually, it's the pure essence of what just about every dumbshit perceives as "fun" or a "good time."  We bought the cotton candy, because we were having a great time.  We had so much fun.

E.  Great profit margin.  Isn't that crap usually about 5 bucks for some puffy caloric-infused air on an old paper towel roll?

So there you have it.  Off the heels of A.G.S. prevention, yet another attempt to help change the world and make it a better place.  If you steal my idea, that's fine.  Just call it sonofsugar, sonofsucrose or something comparable.

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