Friday, November 15, 2013

"Things you don't know about me" facebook lists

Ahhh, the new facebook craze of the month.  It's these bitstrip cartoons.  I'll do us all a favor and omit the pictures. 

Saf is going on a magic carpet ride.
A full grown Saf is emanating from the womb of Sarah Palin.
Saf is hanging with the Krishna hippies at the Palace of Gold feasting on vegan gruel served out of grimy cement buckets.

But wait a minute.  There's another facebook craze happening.  It's the "you don't know me" lists.  Kind of reminds me of a teenage black girl on Maury... "You don't know me!   You don't know me!  You don't know me!  You don't know me!  You don't know me!  In this case, the 5th time's the charm.  Indeed.

All of this wild and crazy shit you just never knew about a person you thought you knew.
Anyway, I started to think of my own list.  I assigned myself the number 5.  But I quickly realized the obvious - that the content would far exceed the boundaries of "routine facebook social decorum."

5)  I have a hidden closet with a secret collection of beanie babies.

4)  I once "made whoopie" in the back of a Chrysler LeBaron (not Jon Voight's... and it wasn't a convertible).

3)  I secretly fantasize about someone getting beat up in the 19th Ho parking lot and then thrown in the Long John Silver's dumpster.  I know, I know... this one is particularly disturbing.

2)  I made movie star John Corbett cry while at Jaybo's back in the mid 1990's.  At the time, I had no idea who he was, nor would I have cared anyway.  What a tall fucking baby!  Ironic - because my girlfriend is a huge fan.

1)  I've been to 45 Dead shows.  46 if you count the gate crash at Deer Creek in 1995.

All of these are true... except of course #5.  Okay, so that's the marginally acceptable list for facebook consumption.

Now as promised, here's the real list!

5.  I enjoy inventing words and phrases that don't exist.  The vast majority of them are foosball and dome hockey terms (probably about 100).   Recently, I've created a few new terms:

Chrisammich - an individual posing for a photo "sandwiched"  in between the Chrisagis Brothers (Brian and Shawn).  It was formerly known as "betwixt Chrisagii" 

Dominipole - the name I have bestowed upon my neighbor Fuckface's salvaged and restored wooden pole which once delineated our property line about 3 years ago.

A cheap trick on the rest of us - 2 Festivus inspired aluminum poles that stand guard of my living room.  Red and green guitar picks are glued on accordingly.

Natural Disco or Natty Disco - When the sunlight hits my hanging disco ball as opposed to the artificial spotlight.

Jewish Moccasins - the high end, but occasionally stank, Teva sandals I use when golfing. 

I also assign people nicknames, many of which have stuck through the years.  My preferred nickname is sonofsaf.  If standing outside Consol, Heinz Field or a teepee, feel free to invoke my most cherished spiritual name of Indian ancestry --- Scalping Jew.

4.  In the last 10 years, I've been to every concert and sporting event known to man.  I refuse to pay a single penny for tickets.  Instead, I prefer to stand outside and beg.  Works every time.  And it's vastly more entertaining and emotionally rewarding.

3.  To this day, I harbor a great deal of guilt for "repossessing" my ex-girlfriend's cat.  Simply stated, this was probably the most mean-spirited thing I've ever done in my life.  There were some extenuating circumstances, but at the heart of it all, this was completely unacceptable.  Compounding the problem, Muriel was a superior animal (compared to every cat or dog I've ever had contact with).  Jenn - I deeply regret this.  If you're reading this... please know that I am deeply sorry.

2.  I believe there's a way to save the United States democratic political system.  I'm the only person who appears interested in this for reasons I'll never be able to codify or comprehend.  It's called negative voting.  In a nutshell, it affords any registered voter the opportunity to cast a negative ballot for any person running for a political office.  Your vote would count as -1.

You'd still get the exact same number of votes.  It's simply an additional option.  Think of it like voting up or down on a referendum or levy.  Same thing.  But instead of issues, it's people.  In this day and age of electronic voting, it would be incredibly easy to make the necessary changes to the voting machine software.

It would also eliminate the entire notion of having to choose between two objectionable candidates. It's far better than abstaining.  Never again would you hear the phrase, "I chose the lesser of two evils."  All in all, it is a superior reflection of voter intent.

It also gives third party and lesser known candidates a credible, more viable path to obtaining office.
Here's how I know it's a great idea ---- politically established and entrenched Democrats and Republicans would DESPISE it.  Because it instantly obliterates the concept of gerrymandered districts. 

Why haven't you ever heard of this ???   Uhhhh I dunno, probably because it represents the greatest threat ever conceived to the camel clutch, back breaker, bear hug, chicken wing, abdominal stretch, figure four leg lock, choke hold the DemoCRIPS and ReBLOODlicans have on the entire U.S. government (shout out to Jesse Ventura - seriously, you are a complete bad ass). 

The only downside - you have to get people used to the idea that someone could get elected with a negative vote tally.  Personally, I don't find negative integers to be offensive.  However, I could see how this would make some people feel uneasy (particularly the older generation).  

If I ever gain any notoriety or leverage from trying to prevent the stampedes, this will undoubtedly be my new focus.  I wish to improve upon the existing state of our democracy.  And you probably thought preventing human stampedes was my only concern.  LOL.  Which brings me to numero uno....

1.  I'm deeply concerned about the outdated state of emergency evacuation protocol and the potential for mass human stampedes in American football stadiums (particularly the NFL 1 o'clock slate of games).  I believe this could very well be the next 9/11, but it's even worse because of the generational warfare paradigm (killing people without weapons).  I believe this is the next logical step in the progression of human warfare and it will likely usher in one of the ugliest, but easily predictable chapters, in the history of mankind.

For a better explanation - check my website.
I just put up a new article (Gigi - thanks for the edits).

What the hell!  I forgot to throw in my favorite live rock song.

1/2.  AC/DC - For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)


Anonymous said...

How have I never heard of this artificially generated mass human stampede before???


Anonymous said...

No worries Eric! Muriel was indeed extraordinary in every way. I like to think she got it from her Mom. You gave me the honor of hanging with Mr. Kitty until his passing. He was another extraordinary feline. She lived a better life during the year or so of rebuilding after the flood and she loved you. She passed living a life of love and luxury at the Jewish Ski Lodge. That is much better than where I found her in a park ready to die. Thank you for taking care of her when you knew I could not. Much love and no bitterness, Jenn

sonofsaf said...

Jenn - thanks so much for responding. You know how I like to talk about a wide variety of stuff... but that's always been a tough one.