Wednesday, November 13, 2013

you say gesundheit, I say Chrisagis

Alright, what the helloweenie is going on?  Just who are these Chrisagimposters?

More importantly, what kind of demonic presence would possess ordinary individuals to actively impersonate the famed Chrisagis Brothers of the deep, inner Tiltonsville region?  Seriously though, you gotta love the r & f (reflection and foundation).  By foundation, I'm referring to the supplemental aggressive makeup caking.  Future Chrisagis facial enhancements should be referred to as "frosting."  I'm not the only one who thinks this.   

This Halloween I saw plenty of cowardly disguises.  Saf, just how do you define "cowardly?"  The term refers to anyone who lacks any originality or creativity (this accounts for about 80% of the Halloween crowd who simply go to a Walmart store and buy some shitty disguise).  What's even worse --- they expect to be praised for their efforts.  Wow, you mean to tell me that you drove all they way to the Highlands?  By yourself?  Way to go.

Truth be told, I enjoy the Chrisagis Brothers.  In the Ohio Valley, so much is stale and uninspired.  Whether it be high school football, excessive tattooing, anything Jambo related, or recounting your drunken night out in the big city (Pixburgh), you just don't see many people willing to step outside the box.  The Chrisagii are an exception.  Not only do they step outside the square box... they romp outside the rhombus... they titillate outside the triangle... they jerk outside the circle.

I have only 2 complaints.

A.  They have so many exceptionally bizarre music videos.  They're all posted on youtube BUT THE COMMENT SECTIONS HAVE BEEN DISABLED.  This completely sucketh.  Yeah... I realize that a few mean-spirited commentators could distract from the critical message of praising Jesus, Ezekial and other biblical carnies.  But come the fuck on!  Brian and Shawn - I'm calling you out (Steve Novotney style).  The world needs to hear from your detractors.  I realize you might take a bit of a beating (non-masturbatory I pray), but you gotta let the narrative play itself out.  Remember the 11th commandment - Thou shalt not impose strict moderation tactics on thy youtube page.

B.  When I think of Chrisagii, the one word that comes to mind is "freshness."  They're always devising some zany new routine.  They might be doing the cha-cha at a Mexican restaurant.  Or they might be playing Wack-a-Mole at the local arcade.  Or picketing the Lion's Den.  Or whatever.

During the 2008-2010 election cycle, I recall them getting extremely "political" on facebook.  I'm begging you two - bring back some of that right wing tea party extremism.  I'm only speaking for myself, but I kinda liked it.  Nothing would excite me more than seeing a picture of Sarah Palin sandwiched in between Brian and Shawn.  And for the record, it's called a "Chrisandwich."  If I owned a local restaurant, you can bet your honky-ass bottom dollar there would be a Chrisandwich" on the menu.  I'd define it as "non-kosher bacon, an egg white patty with a slice of American cheese on an English muffin (with a holy abundance of nooks and crannies)."

I went off on a tangent and forgot what this blog was supposed to be about.  I'm tired of writing so I'll just end it on this celebratory note.  It's about starting a revolution!  Whenever people sneeze, I want the listener to respond with "Chrisagis!"  It has the exact same number of syllables as "God Bless You" or "ge-sund-heit."  So it should be pretty easy to git used to.  It's more about conditioning and socio-responsiveness.  And hey, let's be honest.  When you run into those two, whose heart does not skip a beat?

Whenever and wherever.  It's Chrisagis.  Day or night.  24/7.

When you hear someone sneeze at the Cracker Barrel... Chrisagis.
When you're being groped by the TSA... Chrisagis.
When you're drunk at the 19th Ho... Chrisagis.
At the ice cream parlor... Chrisagis.
When you're being sodomized by an aluminum baseball bat... Chrisaaaaahhhhh - gis.

Try it and you'll see.  Chrisagis !!!  I will make you a believer... in this life or the next.


sonofsaf said...

I'm fully aware of the new hipster cuisine terms. You may also call it a "Chrisammich."

Anonymous said...

Loved this one. Made me chuckle!

sonofsaf said...

There is no greater gift around the holidays... than the gift of the Chrisagii.