Thursday, October 17, 2013

Willie Nelson - Wheeling, WV (Capitol Music Hall: 10-16-13)


On a the heels of a sold out show and the last gasp of a ticketless whim, I zipped down to the Capitol Music Hall last night.  My faith in mankind (and to a lesser extent, the Wheeling populace) was restored when this 50 some year old passenger in a convertible pulled up to the curb.  He stuck his head out the window.  With a raspy voice, he blurted, "Hey anybody wanna go see Willie Nelson tonight?"


I was a little taken aback.  For a second I thought he might even offer me some Grey Poupon (or in the case of Wheeling, extra mayonnaise).  But he was totally legit.  I thanked him and his woman profusely and called him a "complete bad ass."  I think those were my exact words - "Sir, you are a complete bad ass."  He chortled, "No problem.  Glad to help."  And they abruptly sped off.

I looked down at the 2 comp tickets.  Holy shit!  They were second row floor.  As my dad used to  say, "How 'bout 'dem apples?"

Anyway, I ran into TFE & AJZ.  Dished them off the two closer tickets and snagged theirs.  I really had no inclination to to be that close.  To be honest, music at the Capitol sounds vastly better if you're in the center floor or front row balcony.  Funny how all those symphonies my parents took me to (kicking, dragging and screaming) finally paid off.  Funny how time slips away.  Like I was saying, I had no desire to be front row.  I mean... what am I supposed to do, yank on Willie's pig tails, offer to suck his cock, etc?

So then I had an extra ticket which I gave to Renee B.  I guess that's how you do it.  Pay it forward.  Just trying to relive the miracle scene.  Oddly enough, it was Bob Weir's birthday yesterday.  The "Miracle Whip" of all miracles.  Normally, I wouldn't know this but facebook likes to keep everyone apprised of celebrity birthdays.  Mr. T, Gary Trudeau, Smurfette... doesn't really matter.  Facebook knows all.  Facebook blows all.

The last time I ran into Willie was in 2006 in the back of a hotel parking lot.  When I say "ran into," I actually mean it.  I was rounding a semi-blind corner in a limo as this old geezer was riding directly toward me on a rusty bicycle.  I had to do a double take.  What the fuck???  That's Willie Nelson!

Anyway, I jumped out of the gas guzzling idiot mobile and introduced myself.  I had just seen him perform a few months earlier at the Dodge Theater in Phoenix while I was out visiting my parents.  We talked about the quality of that venue and then I shifted the conversation toward his appearance in a mid 1980's episode of Miami Vice.
 

(Gotta love it when Willie orders Steve Buscemi, "Now you hit the ground runnin.")

I then explained to Willie how my friend Mike actually named his cat after him.  So I got him on the phone and demanded that he speak with Mikey for a minute.  Of course, he was more than happy to oblige.  These days, I could probably bring up the stampedes.  I doubt even that would faze him.  Willie Nelson could very well be the "calmest" person I've ever met.

Normally, I'm not one to be star struck.  Trust me - if there's anyone who doesn't have a case of the celebrity/American Idol/hero-worship syndrome... well, that would be me.  Bu I had to get him to sign something.  So I settled for this.  I'm sure you'd agree - this is hardly what you'd call "settling."




If you label this as "settling," you are a complete piece of shit.  Aside from the dome hockey table itself, it's one of the coolest things I own.

Incidentally, I'm working on a new t-shirt.  Top 10 Reasons To Join AGSAF.    Here's the list so far - it could use a little editing..

10.  Saf will guide you on this magical journey

9.  We must actively stare down all of our demons

8.  Being crush asphyxiated or trampled to death is not particularly breathtaking

7.  If obtained from Goodwill, member's only t-shirt would be a strong score

6.  It's free... and it could save your life

5.  O.O.D.A. loops aren't what they used to, aren't what they used to be, aren't what they used to be

4.  As if reading the "Sonofsaf: odd, oh biography" wasn't enough

3.  Cuz you really wanna hear - "No duh, I told you so."

2.  New NFL clear bag policy just doesn't cut it

1.  Herding instincts suck!


I like the list but it seems a little "choppy."  Any suggestions or alterations would be seriously considered.

So anyway, back to the Willie Nelson story - Remember, our encounter wasn't outside some concert in Pittsburgh.  It was in the middle of the afternoon in the back of a hotel parking lot in Queensbury, NY (near Glen Falls in the Adirondack Mountains - he was playing a show at SPAC in Saratoga Springs that night, but I didn't know it).  I know you're all searching for some closure on this cat naming story.  Well.... it turns out that "Willie the cat" has nothing to do with Willie Nelson.  He's actually named after some USA Network Kung Fu character.  Next time I see him, I'll be sure to fill him in.

It kind of makes you wonder if their will be a "next" time.  After all, Willie is now 80 years old.  Same age as my father.  Two very driven people - who've driven in very different directions.  
  
Hey Saf, isn't this a concert review?  Yeah... I forgot.  The piano was a bit over-modulated.  During the encore segment, he was overpowered by his granddaughter's voice on the Creedence song, "Have You Ever See The Rain?"  The harmonica guy was a tad melodramatic (I can't stand harmonicas - Neil Young gets a pass).  FYI - if you're ever going to a concert at the Capitol, you really don't need a ticket.  Just skip the opener, wait til the first intermission, hang out front with the cigarette exhalers and simply join them on their way back inside.  It doesn't take a $42,000 per year degree from Wheeling Jesuit.

Seriously though, if you're one of those people who gets caught up in trivial bullshit at a Willie Nelson concert... I think you're missing the boat.  Your time would likely be better spent bitching in a Bob Evans drive-thru - because that would be your shining moment... spent "down on the farm."

I wonder if our paths will ever cross again... someday, somewhere perhaps.  Who knows, maybe I'll school him on the dome.  If we ever were to play, I'd even be willing to "lay down" and bestow upon him a "Top 10 Reasons Saf Sucks at Dome Hockey T-shirt."  For those who know me, I never lay down (on the dome).  We'll just have to wait and see how the future plays out.  Until then... on the dome again.

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Saturday, October 12, 2013

Pearl Jam - Consol Energy Center (11-12-13)




How cool is that Pearl Jam opened their fall tour in the Burgh?  Rhetorical questions seem to be all the rage these days.  So I will answer that question with two words --- "Very Kewl."  And check out the progression of the last night's date... 11,12,13.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Actually, who the hell honestly gives a fuck about numbers and dates?  I'm not running some psychic-zodiac chit-chat hotline.  That honor would fall to the indomitable Dionne Warwick.  We share the same birthday.  Yep, me, her, Bette Midler and the late Jerry Garcia.

Speaking of the fat man, many people have asked me the question, "Hey Saf, what's your favorite Dead song?"  I would always give the same answer - "It's the song I least expect to hear when I'm at one of their concerts."  So naturally, after having subjected my brain to 46 shows, that would encompass most of their library.  After all, who could ever forget the Help > Slipknot > Franklin's  at RFK in 1992?  Or the scorching "So Many Roads" in Richfield of 1993.  Or the Bucket > Shakedown opener at Soldier Field in 1991 or the '95 rain songs at Three Rivers Stadium.  Or whatever really... everyone's got a god-damned opinion.

My point about the Pearl Jam - I think the same rule applies.  I'm a fan of almost all their material.  But there was something "unexpected" about hearing 2 of their songs last night.  "Given to Fly" and probably the best version of "Evolution" I've ever heard.  The funny thing is they play these songs quite regularly.  I've heard both of them a bunch of times, but there's something about those opening chords.  It just threw me for a loop.

I've seen these guys about 10 times - a few Starlakes, a couple Spectrums, throw in a Columbus, Cleveland, an Igloo and now a Consol.  Last night ranked pretty high.  The energy level was in a word... sick.  Is it really asking too much for the entire crowd to stand up for 2 1/2 hours or so?  I think not.  And in typical fashion, they encored with the house lights on.  More bands need to do this.

As usual, we scored a couple freebies.  It took a little more grit and determination than usual, but it was also more rewarding.  Just because it was them.  This wasn't some Drops of Jupiter on a Train heading to the vomitorium bullshit concert.  It was a Pearl Jam fall opener in the Burgh.

I remember last time at Mellon Arena when Eddie Vedder ripped on the city of Pixburgh.



Now that's some classic shit.  Great commentary and follow-up.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  Hard to believe it was 7 years ago.

This time he had nothing but heavy duty compliments.  And he won the crowd over.  Not the biggest accomplishment considering if you mention the word "Corduroy" everyone starts to salivate like a pack of starving Pavlovian dogs.

Just for the record, there are a few Pearl Jam songs I really abhor.  Probably just because they're way overplayed.  The following tunes are what I call "piss songs."  This is where you literally go to the restroom and take a leak.  Songs like "Evenflow" and "Daughter."  I could also do without the "Rockin' in the Free World" encores.  The time has finally come to put that cover to rest.

The Grateful Dead had a few of these urinary songs as well.  Phil's "Wave to the Wind" comes to mind.  How about "Eternity", "Lazy River Road", and "Walkin' Blues?"  Those songs pretty much sucked?  I once heard a really atrocious version of "Loose Lucy."  Hey, I'll actually admit it --- I kind of liked it when Jerry's voice used to crack and he'd forget a lyric or two, but there's this one Loose Lucy that's really embedded in my brain.  Something about the band backing him up.  Singin' YEAH, yeah, YEAH, yeah, YEAH.  Thank you, but I am not having... a real good time.  Vince Welnick is quite possibly the most disappointing musician of all-time.  Just my take.

By the way, I actually do have a favorite Pearl Jam song.  Ironically, this atheist Jew's favorite is.. "Faithful."  Check the set list bitch.
    •  
    Who knows, maybe a drive to Baltimore or Charlotte is in order?  Then again, I doubt it.
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Friday, October 04, 2013

How to destroy Obamacare


I often come up with these zany system disruptions.  Usually, it's an inventive public relations campaign to destroy the credibility of a politician.  A year ago, I formulated a template for how to destroy the NRA.  On second thought, maybe "destroy" is too strong a term.  Let's say "manufacture and emphasize an ideological schism that splits it into two separate factions thus limiting its current ability to wield as much power and influence."  Note: Because of my growing contempt for both parties, I'm an equal opportunity destroyer (but rest assured, I harbor far more hatred for the Christian right/Tea Party extremists).

Dismantling the NRA: first blog and related blog.   

So without further adieu, here's an unusual way to "destroy" Obamacare.


Eventually, this health care issue is going to play itself out when something "unexpectedly bad" happens.  The Republican side just needs that one prime-time incident.  You need to insert some heavy duty propaganda.  We just saw a meager attempt from a serrated Palin.  She put out some extensive tweet to her legion of idiots.  I call them the "freedom followers" because well, you know... who the hell doesn't want freedom?  Such a brave and controversial stand.  Let's do it!  Stand up for eternal liberty and all that jazz.


Yeah, as if she has the technical ability to write a propaganda piece (even one as bad and horrifically misleading as the one I just saw).  I can't even bring myself to physically summon the link.  I'm ashamed to admit that I named my cat after her.  Trust me, it's not entirely a badge of honor.  Sometimes, the animals meows incessantly in the middle of the night and I scream at him to shut the hell up.  It usually works... for maybe 20 minutes.  Then, it happens all over again.  So I walk to the sliding glass door to let him out... and what does he do.  He sits by his food dish waiting for me to fill it up.  But it's already full.  So I have to jostle around the Kibbles and Bits.  THEN, he starts to eat.  Round 2 usually involves me letting him outside.  Very Palinesque.

One more aside... I was watching Hannity's claim last night on Fox - that Harry Reid doesn't care about little kids with cancer.  He wants to defund the research and development aspects.  And of course Obama also wishes to dishonor our older veterans by temporarily closing the World War I/II Memorials.  They even show the "preventative" yellow caution tape.  Weak.

So here' my idea...

 Use the Anonymous, youtube video platform.  Don the "Guy Fawkes vendetta mask."


Now claim that you are affiliated with the Affordable Health Care bureaucracy somewhere high up in an "identity protection and compliance" department.  You could also claim to be employed by one of the largest national banks, credit card companies or health care providers.  But it's more effective if you claim to be employed by the federal government.

Here's the gist of the video...

Obamacare: disease
Implementation: identity theft


"What the citizens of the United States don't realize is that Obamacare will be spreading a new disease.  This disease is called identity theft.  If you sign up for Affordable Health Care Act, it is possible you will be targeted for identity theft.  We apologize to all those who will suffer as a consequence.  But we feel it is necessary to take this step to ensure the foundations of democracy.  In the case of Obamacare, it is illegal for the federal government to force you to comply with their demands.  This country was built on concepts of freedom and liberty.  Socialized medicine is not the answer.  We are Anonymous.  We are Legion.  Expect us."

Use a few scary buzz words, like "execution", "viral", "exponential", etc.

It's important to use both terms (Obamacare & Affordable Health Care Act) and inextricably link them to disease, identity theft and a few choice adjectives.

Now let's point out the obvious.  Everyone has either experienced or knows someone that has been impacted by identity theft.  The trials and tribulations are akin to madness.  Its two overriding characteristics: interminable frustration and an absolute sense of helplessness and self-violation. 

Here's a little more background...

Create the narrative where this rogue Anonymous individual (I prefer to use a female govt. employee because it sounds slightly more convincing than a male).  She'll claim to be holding hostage a swath of social security numbers, addresses, birth dates, etc.  During the opt-in phase and while Obamacare is in place or as long as it's the "law of the land," a new list will be distributed to some semi-hostile nation (maybe random cat-phishing phone banks in Nigeria - that kind of thing).  This will continue unabated until the president goes before the nation and explains that he's going to dismantle the Affordable Health Care Act.

This automated program is set up in secured, random multiple locations and it will automatically email the personal information of X amount of individuals from every state in the country.  It's done on a daily basis.  Since Obamacare is a federal mandate, nobody will safe.  And if you want to add insult to injury, blue states will be specifically targeted.  As opposed to red states (or those whose governors publicly oppose Obamacare).  Now that's some mean-spirited shit.  But a word to the wise... you don't want to get overly partisan as it will weaken your fundamental argument about freedom, liberty, blah, etc. 

Next, just include an impassioned plea about how you cannot sit idly by and allow President Obama to draw us further toward socialism.  Never hurts to throw in Pelosi and Reid (their names are synonymous with liberalism/socialism due to the steady stream of Fox News' perpetual golden shower).  But try to evoke a tiny bit of sympathy.  Claim that it's your patriotic duty and you feel as though you honestly have no choice.  It's for the greater good.  That's a critical theme because it's transcends all the petty soundbyte issues and turns everything into a vaguer argument of good and bad, right and wrong.

The beauty of using the Anonymous platform:

* Very well-suited to go viral
* Impossible to dispute their claim
* Impossible to prosecute
* The more you seek to discredit the video, the more publicity it gets
* Fear is a VERY powerful motivator.  Blurring the lines between fear and reality.

Hey, if I think there's even the slightest possibility that Obamacare = identity theft, I will NOT be signing up.  At the very least, I'd be inclined to avoid registering until the govt. gets its act together.  Hmmm, I wonder when that defining moment will take place?

It's like throwing a "gorilla wrench, curve ball, systemic disruption" into the roll-out of the Affordable Care Act (as if it won't have enough logistical problems to contend with).

If that's scenario's too evil, I also have a demented, unrelated piece of propaganda that could be spread on the internet.  Construct a meme that claims PETA is in the final stages of petitioning the government to extend Obamacare to family household pets.  Not farm animals - that would obviously be bullshit.  But make the claim that it's starting with major surgical procedures for cats and dogs.  And it's hoping to expand basic coverage to parakeets, ferrets, snakes, etc.

Rush Limbuagh would go BALLISTIC.  Whether or not it's even remotely true is of no significance.  It's all about the slippery slope of "how far will Obamacare be willing to go."  Trust me, the thought of the government paying for some aging cat to undergo a $400 life saving operation because Ta'Anisha can't bear the thought of her suffering....  You wanna see what a truly enraged Tea Party fuck really looks like?  Screw the cat.  How about a hermit crab?

I might come up with a few more ideas this weekend.  Oglebayfest is cool and all, but sometimes I require greater inspiration.  After all, how much warm Bud Light draft can one drink?  Or better yet, just how much kettle corn can one family consume....


... even these Mormonic Duggar weirdos have their limits. 
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Wednesday, October 02, 2013

government shutdown memes / shmoopie analogy


As we enter the second day of the government shutdown, the imbecilic facebook memes are gaining ground.  There seems to be this collective outcry.  And it doesn't matter if you're rich, poor or part of the rapidly dissipating middle class.  Everyone despises Congress. 

We gotta do something!  I can't take it anymore! 

Wait a minute!  I've got the answer.  We need to hit 'em where it hurts.  That's right!  Straight in the pocketbook!  Those worthless bums.

Here's the plan.  We'll dock their paychecks!  Those bastards!




First off, I think the tri-hearted extravaganza closer pretty much sums it up.  If you ever want to delegitimize your cause, just add a bunch of heart symbols or over-utilized "shmoopie" Seinfeld references.  Works wonders.



(Hey, is it me or does Jerry's girlfriend have the identical face of Timmi Calissie?)



Second off, I'm hardly a constitutional law professor, but there's an explicit statement somewhere in the 27th Amendment that makes it illegal to suspend the salaries of members of Congress.  These politicians are gonna git paid no matter what happens.  Of course, such information doesn't make for good a facebook meme or propaganda blip.  I know... I know... but it's a tea-party tantrum!

Third off, the amount of personal fortune most politicians devote to obtaining their respective office easily dwarfs their annual salary.

Fourth off, is the obvious request to "repost anything."  If you love wing dings and aren't afraid to submerge them in a gallon of ranch dressing... then please REPOST and spread the word.  Together, we'll change the world!  One artery at a time, sweet Jesus.

Alright, now I'm sorry to rain on your parade (in this case, it's the annual Dimmeydale 4th of July parade), but let's throw out a couple of inconvenient truths.

The annual U.S. House of Representative salary is $174,000
The annual U.S. Senator salary is $174,000

Here's some other facts that should be painfully obvious.

The average net worth of a member of the the House is approx. 7 million.
The average net worth of the U.S. Senator is around 11.5 million.

Granted, these stats are a little skewed by the likes of Darrel Issa (R-CA) and John Kerry (D-MA), but I think it's safe to say that very few in Congress would experience REAL financial pain if they lost a month's pay.


(Saf, you're such an asshole.  Mitt was a GOVERNOR.  Yeah.. I know.  I get it).

Regardless, these guys and gals don't live paycheck to paycheck.  Maybe 2-3 (out of 535) would have to do some belt-tightening if they lost a year's pay.

Now call me a cynic, but even if you took away a House member's pay for an entire year, that translates into a 2.4% drop in one's total net worth.  Some people experience that same net worth drop during a bad week on Wall Street.

Now for the average U.S. Senator, it translates to 1.5%.  And like I said, that's for an entire year. 

So let's say, we somehow suspend their pay for an entire month.  This seems like a more realistic time frame.  Guess what?  Now you're entering into the realm of fractions of 1%. 

The point to all this - Stop whining about outrageous congressional salaries.  The worst is when people bitch about how much President Obama makes - 400K per year???  Considering the job description, that's peanuts.  There are plenty of hedge fund managers and day traders that would view $400,000 for a DAY'S work as chump change.

How about some other professions?

My least favorite faith healer (Benny Hinn) is worth about a billion.  His job description - Scam his followers.  Sounds a lot like Congress.  Someone really needs to tar and feather that douchebag.


The average salary of a decent NFL nose tackle is around 4 mil.  You know what their job description is?  I can sum it up in 3 words. Clog the line.  Sounds a lot like the tea party faction of the Republican party.


Even though he shirks his moral responsibility to warn the unknowing occupants of PNC Park about the potential for an artificially generated stampede, my favorite newspaper magnate (Bob Nutting) is worth about a billion.  His job description - Maintain the status quo (with regard to outdated stadium emergency evacuation protocol and to a greater extent, economic class disparity).  Still, you gotta love him.  Go Bucs.



So Saf, what do you hope to achieve by writing this particular blog?  What's your goal?  What on earth are you hoping to accomplish?

Well... here's the end game.  For just ONE day per year, wouldn't it be great if everyone had to post something with ORIGINAL content on facebook?  That's right.  I'm gonna make a proposal.  Instead of using the words and pictures of George Takei or some clever kid at MIT, out of the entire year, let's have just ONE day exclusively dedicated to intellectual originality.  We could call it "Facebook Freshness Day" or "Take A PERSONAL Day" or anything else that makes me cringe.  And hey, no posts about the tv show you just watched, the food you just ate, the event you just attended or my all-time favorite --- the weather!  Then, and only then, will you get a true glimpse into the "hearts and minds" of your "facebook friends." 

The funny part - anyone who reads this will automatically think I'm ripping on them personally.  I'm not.  I've already assessed and defined all of you social media whores as collectively guilty.  For it is I, Sonofsaf, who will ultimately be condemned for the sins of Facebook.  And this is a noble cause I'd be willing to die for - just make sure to strap me to the remains of my neighbor's pole and sacrifice me accordingly.

Incidentally, I'm going to alter that pole into a modern version of an atheist-Jewish totem pole.  I just recently viewed an excellent display on Native American Indians in Washington state (Maryhill Museum of Art).  If you find yourself in the absolute middle of nowhere, make sure to check it out.

Anyhoo... I'm calling it the "dominipole."  Picture forthcoming.  If you have some old dominoes lying around, gimme a ring.  This concept is a work in progress.

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Pirates vs. Reds (11-2-13) crowd observations


So I went down to PNC Park last night.  Figuring it was their first playoff game in 21 years AND it was a "win you're in" / "lose you're sucked" proposition, I thought it afforded an outstanding opportunity to monitor crowd dynamics.

Ohhh, the crowd was rocking.  Chants of "Let's Go Bucs" and "Here we go Pirates, Here we go!"  The fans were grilling and chilling, smiling and happy.  And if you think that's the essence of this article, you'd be far better off reading the recap in the Wheeling Intelligencer.

I will admit one thing.  For a Pirates game, the energy level was like nothing I've ever seen.  It wasn't cautious optimism, it was energized optimism.  I don't think losing was a credible option last night.  A negative outcome could have lent itself to some incidents.  Not looting or setting vehicles on fire, but maybe isolated acts of violence against Reds fans and possibly window smashing.  Lots of first timers at the ball park.  You wanna know something?  Over the years, I've come to a vital realization.  These days, there are two types of sports fans --- those who want to go to the game and those WHO WANT TO TELL PEOPLE THEY WENT TO THE GAME.  The latter group is the one on the rise (percentage-wise).

As expected, I saw a half dozen people get discreetly turned away with counterfeit tickets.  I even predicted one of them!  Now that's unprecedented.  I'm decent at predicting if people have extra tickets (when they're not holding them up), but who the hell has ever heard of a "I think that dude might get turned away for a bogus ticket."  Now that's some Buccos Nostradamus shit.

Here's what tipped me off.  First of all, this guy in his early 20's was heading in solo.  He had a small hastily made sign that said something to the affect of...

IC Light - $8.00
Parking - $20.00
Pirates wining a playoff game at PNC Park - PRICELESS!

But he was holding a black and white, 8.5" x 11" printout in his other hand.  And he was nervously whooping it up.  He looked skittish and distracted, but at the same time, he was trying to get the crowd going with a "Cincy Sucks" chant.  The crowd embraced him for about 4-5 seconds.  But I saw something different.  I think in the back of his mind, he already new the truth.

I'm not sure where this guy bought his "ticket."  Might have procured it online.  Might have been from a renegade scalper (all the regular black guys are legit --- if you resemble a pigeon, they might try and rip you off, but they'll never knowingly sell you a bunk ticket or a xeroxed print-out).  Well, sure enough, this guy got turned away.  He didn't put up much resistance with the ticket scanner dude.  Just had a pitiable, shell-shocked expression and sulked away.  I almost thought about venturing over and having a word with him, but I didn't.  What would have been the point?

He wasn't the only one turned away.  I saw 5 others do the "No soup for you turn around."


(Great closer - "Come back!  One Year!")

Anyway, two of them looked like complete idiots.  I know it's not politically correct, but I believe the term is "wiggers."  Two white guys decked out in Pirates gear, gold chains, high-top Jordan-Air Nikes with their straight-bill ball caps at the quintessential 127 degree angle.  The Enimem-ish one guy was holding a large manilla envelope.  I  suspect he didn't open it til the last  possible moment.  When their printouts didn't beep upon being scanned, they looked at each other with this "bozo gaze of incredulity."  It was as if all their imagined street-cred was flushed down a thug-toilet of despair.  They both got en-em-uhhed or M&M'ed in the butthole.  Neither went to the cops to complain.  

I also watched as a couple guys slipped in with the sneaky assistance of a PNC Park employee (while  2 cops purposely looked in the opposite direction).  Surprisingly, this happened around 7:15pm when the crowd was near its peak.  No money was exchanged.  One of them had to be a good friend, or at the very least, a recognizable acquaintance.   It was executed with such brilliance and perfection, I almost feel guilty writing about it.  Hey, I'm someone who has attended over 50 games and adamantly refuse to spend ANY sum of money (I once turned down a scalper who wanted only 3 bucks).  This is based on a sound principle --- the outright refusal to monetarily contribute to the Nutting empire.  So obviously, I enjoy it when an official Bucco rep subverts the process.  Not only that, I will salute him/her and this tantalizingly destructive behavior. 

A similar incident occurred about 20 minutes later.   This time it was 4 men, but something went wrong during the negotiation process.  I think only 2 people were supposed to slither in undetected, but the crew's expectations were a bit too lofty.  They wanted it all.  They rode to close to the sun on the wings of pastrami (George Costanza).

I also saw 2 individuals getting wheeled out of the ball park on a stretcher.  Alcohol poisoning would be my best guess, but who really knows.  I was off in the distance, so I couldn't even make out if either was a man or woman.

Single tix were very scarce.  Most of the scalpers wanted around $150-$200.  But it was just too hot a ticket.  Lots of demand and virtually no supply.  And much of the crowd seemed content to hang at the bars.  The street scene off the Roberto DiClemente bridge was definitely a-rockin'.  And the sheer quantity of boats and kayakers on the water was pretty spectacular.  And the weather was perfect as well.  So naturally, I made a hasty retreat back to Wheeling at 8:12pm.  First pitch was at... yep, you guessed it, 8:07pm.

Pirates 6
Reds 2

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Sunday, September 29, 2013

dominipede poem

I wrote this poem a couple days ago while me, Gigi and my parents took a cruise on the Columbia and Snake Rivers through various sections of Oregon, Washington and Idaho.  Beautiful scenery and fascinating history.  If you wish to fully comprehend the poem, visit my website.

http://agsaf.org

Dominipede

I wish to convey, some critical information
To all the citizens, of this once great nation

The mode of delivery, will be poetry and rhyme
About multiple disasters, that transpire in real time

Our First Amendment rights, offer excellent reach
For a writer and activist, with a commitment to preach

The subject is dangerous, but I cannot resist
It's all about a word, that doesn't currently exist

An act of pure evil, an incomprehensible deed
A cascade of terror, I've termed it... dominipede

I personally have issues, with government accountability
their moral standards, when it comes to discernible inevitablity

Certain people have knowledge, they're not willing to relate
Instead of divulging, they'd prefer just to wait

On second thought, this might not be entirely true
Because at the heart of it all, lies a catch 22

For if you decide, to acknowledge and speak
Your chances for reelection, become incredibly weak

So silence becomes, a predictable norm
Rather than confronting, the inevitable storm

An untouchable issue, a test for humanity
Designed to play off, our collective insanity

Like a gun without bullets, something completely unique
It's impossible to fathom, the havoc one could reek

The NFL would provide, the best choice for a venue
Calling, hacking, spoofing, texting...  just ingredients on a menu

The obvious choices, the places I fear most
Are in the South, Midwest and all over the East Coast

The most likely cities, the more inviting targets
Are the lesser known teams, in the much smaller markets

The people impacted, random victims of fate
their passion for football, and the 1 o' clock slate

Feel free to add another, to this supplemental attack
Encompassing INDY Racing fans, or even a NASCAR track

Social media, would play a likely role
with Twitter and Facebook, exacting their toll

Synthetic terror, minds of throngs sharply penetrated
Resulting in bodily crushes, that are artificially generated

An evident saturation, of alerts gone viral
Tripping, falling, stomping... as it all starts to spiral

Widespread panic, quickly taking its toll
In multiple locations, there would be no control

Assaults depending heavily, on timing and information
Coupled with herding instincts and a fear of predation

A reliance on ignorance, and a populace adrift
New tactics in combat, a permanent shift

Now consider the progression, of malicious intent
The stakes are too high, so I will never relent

For everyone has these weapons, we call them cell phones
And they can be just as deadly... as bombs, guns or drones

The questions of who, how, why... when and where
Will become part of the conspiracy, and we're already there

The pieces of the puzzle, I have a hunch how they'll fit
But the most troublesome aspect, is that we were all in on it

It's frustrating to know, that as hard as I try
It was simply one big hoax, it was the ultimate lie

For it could be only one, wishing to settle a score
That ushered in this new era, of generational war
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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Why I didn't go see Kip Winger at Generations in Wheeling, WV on 8-23-13


This morning I saw a road sign at the Elm Grove intersection of Rt. 88 and National Road.  It was for a "rock concert" that happened about a month ago.


I was taken aback for roughly 3 seconds.  In all honesty, I almost blacked out.  After I came to my senses,  I turned into the nearby Glo-Tone Parking lot and snagged the sign.  It was as if my hands and feet were being controlled by some kind of "dark presence."  This "evil under-lord" wanted me to resurrect the sign and plant it in my front yard. 

So Saf, why didn't you go to the big Kip Winger show at Penetrations?  Could you give me one good reason?  I mean, are you crazy or something?  Aren't you always complaining that there's "nothing to do in Wheeling?"  How could you miss this end of summer, blow out blast?

Hey, not only was this show termed "The Triumphant Return of Kip Winger to the Ohio Valley," it was also billed as "300 Days til Next Jambo" and "WVNCC Nursing Students - We Welcome You With Open, Flabby Arms."  And not only that, they'll be running a wing special.  Buy 20 wings and get a free pitcher of tepid Bud Light with glasses piping hot (right out of the dishwasher).  While all that does sound promising, I just didn't take the bait.    

Still, you're asking - "Saffy, Why didn't you hit the show?" 
I can actually hear the voices circling in my head, "You're an idiot - The whole gang was there." 

There's only one way to explain away all this cynicism. 

It's called another Top 10 list.


Top 10 Reasons I Didn't Get Winged in the Swing Club

10.  Am I the only person who can't stand these melodramatic acoustic renditions of bad 80's glam
metal?  Seventeen, Headed for a Heartbreak, etc.  What's the world coming to?  This is the kind of intolerable shit that makes me give Miley Cyrus a second look, or twerk, if you will.


9.  I just don't like seeing street sign advertisements for Generations.  Billboards too for that matter.  First off, it's called the Swing Club.  Always is and always will be.  But the thought of the senior Duplaga standing out in front of the old Bernie Glenn's appliance store, trying to pilfer $3.00 for parking.  Well, that's just too much of a cross to bear.  Even for an atheist Jew.

8.  Just the mere fact that this sign was "manufactured" is a troubling precedent.  The sign itself is evidence.  That's right.  Evidence that there are more of them out there, lurking in the nooks and crannies of Ohio County.  Just as you're rounding some bend out near West Lib or Roney's Point... E-GAD! WINGER IS BACK!  For the love of Christ, it's enough to give you a panic attack and drive off a cliff.  However, at least your death would be an honorable one.  You died for a great cause - you died for the sins of Kip Winger.

7.  What is it about the Ohio Valley?  This same phenomenon happens every time some crappy band or has-been performer comes in for a show at Wheeling Island.  Everyone in the area instantly becomes a dues paying member of their fan club.  It could be Steppenwolf.  It could be Foghat.  Or it could be some off-celebrity like Michael Jackson's physician or the recently acquitted Roger Zimmerman.  Wheeling just seems to have this weird knack for being an "off-kilterred stomping ground."

6.  ADDITION:  WINGER + S = WINGERS

That's right.  Add that "S" and you instantly have some of the worst political pundits and facebook prognosticators - the hardcore, religious right wingers and the lunatic, zany left wingers.

5.  SUBTRACTION:  WINGER - ER = WING

I propose an addendum to the list of the 7 deadly sins.  When you stumble upon the definition of "gluttony" there should be a list of all the different types of wings.  Honey butter garlic, grecian parmesan, ragin cajun, etc.  Lest ye forget the greatest wing paradox of all-time... "HOT RANCH!"  Say it like ya mean it!

4.  I have issues with anybody who calls themselves "Kip."  His real name is Charles Frederick Winger.  Kip is a self-assigned nickname.  And it's not even close.  At least "Rick" and "Ricky" have parts of "Eric."  It's much like if I were to call myself "Flash" or "Zilch" or "Jewbag."

3.  It signals a return of the super teased-up hair.  Get out the 'ol high school yearbook.


This opportunity comes only a few times a year.  It's a god-blessing for the local 3-time divorcees with 4 kids by 6 different baby daddy.  Hire that babysitter and head out for a night on the town.  Or better yet, bring the fam!


There are other times you'll see the regionally saturated hair tease.  It's not just a Winger concert.  There's the Wheeling Park Retro-Dance.  Or maybe if Vance Church holds a candlelight vigil for the late Different Strokes star Dana Plato.  Ohh... the world was her oyster.  Why did she have to leave us?


Hey, some of us actually enjoy the "contented-Puritan" look.  It's as close as I'll ever get to Sugarcreek, Ohio (Amish paradise) or for that matter, the I-77 Zoar/ Bolivar exit.

2.  When you see the sign - it signals the show.  And that means one thing and one thing only.  That this will be either the greatest night or absolute worst night of everyone's collective lives.  There will be no middle ground.  Kip Winger is the embodiment of the full moon.  Relationships will suddenly bite the dust.  New romances will be kindled.  The endless rounds of Jagerbombs, the late night fine dining at Sheetz gas station and of course, a steady slate of DUI arrests.  And of course, there's the domestic violence angle after the show's over.  It's almost like a Miller Lite commercial - great taste, less filling.  Yeah... right.  More like a woman yelling at her husband, "Kip's hot!  You're not!"  Might as well dial 911.

1.  Finally, you know it's bad when you're the butt of Beavis and Butthead jokes.  In this case, a picture speaks a thousand words.  We call it getting "Butted in the Butthead."

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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Benny Hinn returns to Pittsburgh (Sept. 25-26, 2013)


I can't believe it.  I totally forgot that the world's wealthiest con-artist is returning to Pittsburgh.  Yep... it's Pastor Benny.  And he'll be hosting his routine services at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center.  Three of them.  One of them is an "anointing" service on Thursday morning.  The other two are "miracle healing" services on Wednesday and Thursday.  What's the difference you ask?  I have no fucking idea whatsoever.  Just please don't ask him to cure anything that's visual in nature.  He only does the internal stuff.  Cancer is always a winner.  Unless it's skin cancer, of course (due to the visual detectability issues).

Anyhoo, and I say this with the greatest lament... I will be UNABLE TO ATTEND.  You're all probably thinking - poor Saffy.  Wasn't he the guy who wanted to stage a modern day "tar and feathering" of this asshole?  Then, if that didn't pan out, wasn't he the one who wanted to disrupt the service with some kind of ill-conceived flash mob, air horn protest?  And wasn't he the asshole who staged the Mell-Hinn Arena protest that ended up being the lead story on all Pittsburgh news stations back in 2003?

http://triblive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/regional/s_129909.html#axzz2fFhPtyqn

The last time Benny Hinn was scheduled to appear (in 2011), I broke new boundaries that literally boggle the imagination.  It was my intention to team up with the Chrisagis Brothers and hold our own "miracle healing puppet show" outside Soldiers and Sailors Hall.  This had youtube written all over it, but the minister-schmuck canceled at the last minute.  I've always hoped that someone from the Benny Hinn security apparatus stumbled across my blog and alerted him to the possibility of an attack.  Yeah... right.

But like I was saying, I won't be in town.  So here's the new plan.  I'm going to try and pass a "virtual torch."  Yep, that's right.  I'm asking anyone who happens to read this blog entry (which is probably around 20 people) to step up their game.  It's time for you, the reader, to enter the fray and git'r'dun.

As we all know, our miraculous savior is well known for his bleach-white, exorbitantly-priced Italian suits.


So how about this time, we pelt the fucker with all the colors of the gay pride rainbow?
Sounds like a plan.  And here's how we're gonna do it.

The Palace of Gold in neighboring Marshall County held its annual "Festival of Colors" just last Saturday.




Rather than getting "barraged" with "organic" chalk dust, I chose to hit the Pitt-New Mexico game/Queens of the Stone Age concert, but that's another story.

There's actually some amusing amateur footage on youtube.  I refuse to post anything other than the official video.  It's mostly just a bunch of weirdos, smoking grass and gobbling crick-shrooms.  Others consume complimentary vegan gruel served via unsanitary cement buckets.  But rest assured, all in attendance will engage in the requisite song and dance.  All will spread love.  And some will spread their legs in a futile attempt to stem the declining Krishna population.  But I digress.

So here's my idea.  Head up to the Krishna Palace asap.  The best way is to come in the back exit (properly referred to as an Uncle-Dunkle sneak attack).  Ask around and find out who's in charge.  It's likely a distant relative or child abuse victim of the currently incarcerated Swami Bhaktipada.  If they ask for your credentials, tell them you're friends with Mary Joan.  That should suffice.

Phase 1: Now it's time to gather up all the left over angel dust, chalky-dye, baking soda shit.

Phase 2: Drive up to Pittsburgh.  Do not stop at Primanti's.  Do not bitch about the Steelers 0-2 start.  Do not gripe about Mayor Ravenstahl feeling up a stripper.  Head directly to the Burgh. 

When entering the convention center, try to be discreet.  His security is top of the line.  They even use ex-FBI agents.  Let's just say he employs better security than Maury Povich and his goofy lap dog Dave Vitalli with that cranial hair-clump.

Depending on the size and experience of your team, here's my idea.  You can either target Hinn exclusively or storm the stage "Braveheart Bezerker" style.  Either way, let those colors reign down upon that douchebag!  And don't forget to record and post it accordingly on youtube.  A stunt like this would have SERIOUS viral potential.

Afterward, as you're being arrested and arraigned, don't forget to scream, "I'm innocent!  It was all Saf's idea.  That's right.  The devil made me do it.  He's called sonofsaf.  Read his blog."   

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Sunday, September 15, 2013

New Mexico at Pitt > Millvale Days featuring Super Ginger > QOTSA


Yesterday was quite the Saturday.  Gigi was working til 3pm so I decided to hit up her friend's tailgate at Heinz Field.  I stormed up to Pittsburgh around 11am.  Parked on the cusp of the crack district and walked down to Lot 1.  Her friends (Scott and Sue) along with a few other cars have one of the strongest parking spots for Pitt home games.  About a 12 second walk to Gate B. 

As expected, brunch was served.  I had servings of two different quiches and something they call a "rat-tail."


The actual product looks much more tantalizing.  It's a link of hot sausage, wrapped in a hot pepper, then wrapped in bacon.  Even though I've never consumed "vermin appendage," I imagine it tasted better as well (texture related issues).

Three highlights from the game:

* It took me about 4 minutes to score a free ticket.  And it was a club seat.  So I spent the 1st quarter in the shaded 200 section along the 40 yard line.

* I zipped over to the other side and watched a 40 yard, spectacular end zone catch as the first half expired.

* I stole a ream of large garbage bags under the watchful eye of a young man with an EVENT STAFF t-shirt.  Did he care?  Nope.  I thought he would say something, but he just purposely looked the other way.  He didn't give a damn.

Enter Phase 2:
So Gigi and I zipped down the hill to the annual Millvale Days street fair.  We were immediately confronted by a miniature pro-wrestling ring in the middle of a blocked off intersection.  Seriously, they had this outdoor set-up in the middle of the fucking street.  A crowd of about 200 onlookers watched 2 overweight masked men trading turns choking each other.  When the villain had the upper-hand, he would yell at the crowd and tell them they sucked.  The kids would heckle back, "You suck, Assassin."

This independent wrestling organization is based out of downtown Pittsburgh.  It's known as the K.S.W.A. (Keystone State Wrestling Alliance).  At first, it appeared a little "rag-tag" in nature, but then you start to explore the professionalism of the refs, the toned-down stunts/choreography, the interaction with the crowd, not to mention the dedication of the ring announcer... plus, hey it was free.  Not too shabby.

I thought the crowd should heckle based on townships.  Pittsburgh has all these little boroughs and distinct communities.  Why not exploit the existing high school football rivalries or socioeconomic discrepancies?  "Go back to Lawrencville!" or maybe "Assassin is a phony!  He's not one of us!  He lives in Crafton."

As we left to check out the other attractions, an 11-year-old kid looked at me and yelled "High-Five!"  Not to be a party pooper, I extended my hand outward and the punk bastard slapped it as hard as he could.  Seriously, this kid really went for broke.  My hand stung for about 2 minutes.  I reflected on it and figured it was a misguided act of retribution for the stolen trash bags.  He was likely mimicking his violent heroes in the ring. 

So we "milled around Millvale" for a little bit, taking in the sights and sounds.  This little community, although trapped in some kind of low-income, bizzaro, mid-80's time warp, is actually pretty bad ass.  It's hard to explain.  Let's just say Millvale has a certain character that defies both description and explanation.  I think they should rename Millvale Days... Millin' 'round Millvale.

Lots of eclectic booths, a mix of bars and churches, volleyball and musicians, street peddlers, a low-end farmer's market, etc.  Last time we were there, a man accosted us - he tried to give us a free "nutritional replacement bar."  He stammered, "We're trying to get a foothold in the community!"  Gigi and I just looked at each other in awe as he delivered this aggressive, disjointed sales pitch.  I'm still not sure what he was trying to do - either sell us a timeshare in Millvale or get us interested in some kind of granola bar selling pyramid scheme.

On our way back, the studio wrestling was coming to a close.  There was an 8-man, old-school, over-the-top-rope battle royal.  I was little worried because the ring was exceptionally small and the outside of the ring was straight asphalt (not very forgiving).  Anyway, they introduced the first contestant.  A mysterious entity emerged from the back of a U-Haul in a nearby alley...


Okay.  Now when I was a kid, I used to worship pro wrestlers.  I knew them all.  The angry Russians, the cowardly sheiks, the scientific lame-o's... trust me, I get it.  But honestly, what the fuck is that???  Turns out it was "SUPER GINGER!"  I was totally overcome with emotion.   I'd never even conceived of a character like this.  The closest comparison I can recall was "Doink the Clown."  There was George "The Animal" Steele, but the K.T.S.A. doesn't have enough in its coffers to properly finance edible turnbuckles. 



Super Ginger really lived up to the hype.  Whether or not he had soul is debatable..  His mannerisms really encapsulated the authentic ginger spirit.  Very quixotic and skittish.  I think he took his cue from a South Park episode where Cartman is transformed into a fake ginger and must adapt.


And onto phase 3:
We zipped down to the North Shore.  There was a sold-out Pirates vs. Cubs game so traffic was kind of a mess.  I reluctantly parked next to a meter that said "No parking on stadium event days."  I thought about the earlier Pitt game at the stadium.  Although it had ended 4 hours earlier, I was a little nervous.  What if they fuck me?  Then I thought, what if the Pixburgh parking enforcement goon-thugs claim that the "ballpark" is a "stadium?"  Having been previously sodomized by a "unmarked, low-curb, church-zone" $120.00 parking ticket during a 2011 Ravens/Steelers game, let's just say I try to exercise an ample degree of discretion.

It took us about 20 minutes, but we scored 2 free Queens of the Stone Age tickets.  Huzzah!  Both came from obedient concert-goers standing in line.  One was from a large, oafish dude.  The other from a pleasant, nerdy high school kid.  I think the younger kid was afraid that if he tried to sell the ticket, he might get arrested by the cops.  Big brother at its finest.  The slightest risk of any infraction for any perceived criminality... Way to go Janet Napolitano!  Thanks for keeping us all safe during your 6 year reign of pseudo-terror, swabbing kid's wheelchairs and fondling granny groins.  Now go enjoy your stint as the overlord of UCLA.  You deserve it!

I'd been looking forward to this show all summer.  I'm a big fan of QOTSA.  If you've never heard of them, they're the musical equivalent of a heavier version of the Foo Fighters.  But a little more spacey and erratic. 

 
We went into the fray for the opening.  I didn't check the set list, but I've downloaded a bunch of boots from 2013, so I knew they come out heavy.  The early strobe lights had Gigi immediately back off.

This concert was way too loud.  It had this piercing effect.  We had our modified ear-plugs in (paper towel).  This made it manageable.  I started to realize something.  I like about only 1/2 their material.  And I really can't stand the other half.  So I just skip through it at will.  But if you're at the concert, you have to take the good with the bad.  It made the whole experience kind of exhausting.  Like I said, these guys are consummate professionals.  But there's just too many Radiohead-esque interruptions and extended intros and outros.  They have this unique heavy-hippie vibe, but sometimes, it's just too excessive and overbearing.

Suddenly, a tiny bunny rabbit skipped by us.  This critter was terrified as it made its way into the metallic throng.


I hate to sound like a pessimist, but it was likely stomped to death.  The closest analogy would be if I, a self-hating atheist Jew, journeyed to the Hajj seeking inner peace... and was trampled to death in a Muslim-o-rama, Mecca-licious stampede.  This rabbit would likely would have fared better if it were hunted by former 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  After all, he was a self-described "lifelong hunter" of "small game, varmints and such."

Another concert in the books.  And a free fireworks display (SkyBlast) during the concert.  Although it was partially obstructed by the North Shore building that houses the Jerome Bettis Grill.  Here's the set list:

I wish these guys would let me write their set list.  I'd blow it out of the ballpark.  And speaking of ballparks (and stadiums for that matter), I didn't get a parking ticket.  F'in A.  Still though, don't fuck with the Pittsburgh Parking Authority.  Much like the ginger population, they have no soul.    

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Monday, September 02, 2013

Toledo McRampage


Normally, I wouldn't post these types of shock value videos.  I figure they probably get enough coverage in the "twisted-bloggosphere."  But this one is just too strong, too brutally honest, too mighty.  And its coming shortly off the heels of the Mileage Cyrus twerking meltdown.  And in the face of the current low-wage fast food employee crisis.

Simply stated, this one deserves greater recognition.  On Labor Day, I proudly giveth thee "Toledo McRampage."  If you can't devote the precious minute and a half, you have no soul.


Alright, I thought about doing a Top 10 Reasons Why I Support the McNugget Rampage Woman, but it would be too much info.  Impossible to fit on a t-shirt.  And while I do think this deranged woman deserves our collective embrace, I'll just settle for a Top 10 "observations." Strictly for reference purposes, this list is no particular order.  I write them as I go.

10.  Let's start it out with a Bob Weir wang dang doodle.  When the woman (I'm going to refer to her as McMeth - not to be confused with the Shakespeare character Macbeth).  As I was saying, when McMeth growls, "Don't make me assume my ultimate form!"  Okay, I'm not completely naive.  I knew this had to be stolen from somewhere.  Turns out that it's from some 1980's/90's Asian cartoon character called Dragonballz or something.  Kinda sad.  Because there was this little part of me that wanted it to be an original.  Like I said.  I'm a cynical realist.  Sometimes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  

9.  In the latter stages of the video, some employee tries to ascertain the reason for her hostile disposition.  In the background he asks, "What's going on?  Did she get burnt by an apple pie or something?"  Strong move on that dude's part.  He's obviously an astute observer of cognitive dissonance.  This woman must be hurt.  Is it a physical wound from the scalding apple pie?  Or is it an emotional wound from the lack of McSustenance?  I'd like to hear more from this guy.  It's been rumored that after she peeled out, he asked, "Did she have a salon perm, or was that an Ogilvy Home perm?"

8.  The woman screams another zany line, "I'm gonna eat your fucking face off and digest it."   Yep... that pretty much speaks for itself.  Does anyone remember that naked Miami dude who was "high on bath salts" and ate most of his buddy's face off?  They labeled him the Causeway Cannibal.   For this chick, I prefer McMeth (her real name is Melodie Dushane). For the mainstream press, maybe go with "The Toledo Terror."

Anyway, just for reference purposes - here's a pic of the Miami Zombie.


And here's a pic of the the edible homeless guy (pre-app)...


7.  "Unless your speaking McNuggets into my hands..."

This is where her comments take on an almost biblical persona.  God communicates with her directly through the anticipatory 6-Piece McNug.  It's as if that oozing pink slime forms some kind of intestinally-inspired esophageal flap.   McMeth should have growled, "Do not covet thy McNuggets!" or even better... "Thou shalt not covet thy McNuggets."  Command that shit.

Just an aside - We have no way of knowing if she wanted a 6 piece, 12 piece or the 20 piece box extravaganza.  If it was the oft-neglected 9-piece, I believe this may indicate "satanic leanings, or if you will, demonic inklings." 

6.  Early on, she calls the employee a "fat meatbag."  This reminded me of an ill-fated venture I had at the Wendy's in Elm Grove.  I zipped in the drive thru from the main drag (rather than circling the building).  Anyway, this woman behind me felt like I cut her off.  She stuck her head out the window and yelled at the top of her lungs.  He wants a "faggotburger"  This shit happened 3 years ago, but the memory is still as painful as it is vivid.  Feels like yesterday.

5.  Is it me or does the state of Ohio just seem to have a monopoly on these weird issues with deranged junkies, parents who imprison their children in cages, lots of non-consensual sex acts with various mammals (man on dog, man on chicken, man on goat, etc.) and misc. dungeon-held sex-slaves?  Incessant incest, as well.

I always thought this problem was indigenous to the Northeast quadrant (Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown, etc.).  But it seems to be migrating in an easterly direction.  Maybe it has something to do with paving improvements on I-80.  I do not know.

4.  I must be showing my age (43).  Until now, I've always thought of McDonald's villains in this passe, cartoonish, non-threatening kinda way .  Grimace, Hamburglar...  Well, I'm not sure Grimace was evil.  In fact, he seemed both corpulent AND loveable.  Hamburglar though... he was a little sinister (kind of like a diminutive Bashar Al-Assad).  Maybe even more like his father, Hafez Al-Assad.  But McMeth has set a new standard.  I know, I know... the genocide, the chemical weapons... what about the sarin gas?  Trust me: McMeth has raised the bar.  She has set a new standard.  A great man (Mike Tomlin) once said, "The standard is the standard."

By the way, someone on the comedy circuit needs to call Al-Assad...  All-Ass Hole.  Back in 2001, they interviewed this one Belmont County dude on WTOV-9.  they asked him what his thoughts were on Osama Bin Laden.  He replied, "That guy's a real asshole!"  They bleeped it out.  But you could easily discern that he said "asshole."

3.  Time has come for a REVERSE - Fire in the Hole!  Having originated in nearby Beaver County, PA, these videos clips are particularly poignant.


Yeah bitches!  An ultimate reversal (similar to the foosball move "ultimate rebuttal" and to a lesser extent, "szechaun."  Instead of soda (we call it pop) or soft ice cream cones, let us have all McDonald's employees submit a daily, "collective" urine sample.  Located next to the take out-window at all times, if customers go wolfman bezerker... well, then they get a retaliatory, drenching golden shower.     

2.  Alright, here's the numero uno question, at least as I see things.  Why in name of Allah did they edit in that additional cat-hissing noise?  Her mouth isn't even open during the second deluge.   Yeah... it's a nice effect, but it really undermines the credibility.  Total fugazi.  Some will even claim the whole thing was staged (no fuckin' way in hell).  This could raise a quandary for future internet historians.  And we all hold one truth to be self evident... ain't nobody got time for that!

1.  So what exactly is the takeaway from all this shit?  What have we learned from this rich tapestry, the unfolding "frantic fabric" of that which is McMeth?

Well, I'm still at a loss.  As an act of complete desperation, perhaps the Wheeling PD could offer up their detective skills.  Maybe form some kind of Wheeling-Toledo "crime corridor" task force?  When they make the trek to collaborate, stick 'em all on the Wheeling Nailers bus.   That way, the taxpayers save a little $ (very tea party/Sarah Palin inspired).  Speaking of Sarah, I named my new cat after her!

I give you.... Palin.




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