Arrest Maury Povich

Maury Povich often has these lie detector test shows where they go after cheating men. It's probably his second biggest ratings grabber right behind paternity testing. They keep the formula relatively simple. Here's a hypothetical scenario...

Maury is trying to console a woman named Cupcake who thinks her fiance has had sex with over 20 women. Cupcake has streams of tears rolling down her face. "Maury, I know he's cheatin'. I found sex stains, Maury. SEX STAINS!" Now she's trembling and continues to murmur the phrase "sex stains" under her breath.

Maury looks at her, "Well Cupcake, we gave your fiance T-Bone a lie detector test, but what you don't know is that yesterday, he was in our green room. With the help of our special ops crew, we put him in a room with a sexy decoy." The studio audience begins to hoot and holler, almost like a Tonight Show audience listening to Conan O'Brien rip on NBC. They're all too familiar with what's about to transpire.

Maury rolls the footage and it shows T-Bone (who weighs close to 340 lbs.) being sexually solicited by a Tyra Banks look-a-like. She's asking him what kind of sexual positions he likes the most. T-Bone likes to do it doggy style. The sexy decoy starts riling up the unsuspecting T-Bone, "Ohh, that's my favorite too. Can you show you me how that would work?" T-Bone begins making these ass-slapping gestures and with a Flavor Flavesque voice says, "Yeahhhh Boyyy!"

Then the sexy decoy asks T-Bone if he wants a preview. "Would you like to see them?" as she slowly lifts up her shirt exposing her breasts. T-Bone is on the verge of a diabetic seizure. Anyway, the tv screen splits and they show Cupcake sobbing hysterically, "Maury, we has 3 kids together and he gonna hook up wit dat skank ho?"
Maury is trying to console her, "Cupcake, Cupcake what's wrong Cupcake? Is everything ok? Now Cupcake, you're 7 months pregnant? If I bring T-Bone out here, I don't wanna see you get up in his face. OK Cupcake?"

Just a brief aside, the stranger the guests' name, the more compelled Maury is to repeat it with ever-increasing frequency. This is standard Mauryesque protocol. I'm not trying to play the race card. He'll pull the same shit with white guys. Names like "Tex-Mex" or "Big Daddy."

Anyway, forgive the rambling intro. Here's why I think Maury Povich should be arrested and charged with aiding and abetting an act of prostitution. It's my contention that the "sexy decoy" is basically a prostitute. She's being compensated for exposing herself and trying to administer some limited form of sexual gratification. Just because the lie detector results are being held in abeyance is not a mitigating factor. Can we not logically assume that the production company in charge of financing the show is responsible for her wages. This company, Mo Po Productions, is exclusively owned by host Maury Povich.

I'm on solid ground here. In some cases, the sexy decoy will encourage the man to expose himself and even allow him to rub up against her. This is an act of prostitution. How can this not be against state law and in violation of FCC regulations? Even worse, to the extent Maury has profited, he could be charged with criminal conspiracy and possibly some form of interstate racketeering as his show is disseminated in all 50 states. Fox Network should be held accountable as well for complicity in this whole sordid affair.

He recently switched the location of his show from Manhattan to Stamford, CT. Perhaps, the NYC prosecuting attorney was preparing indictments. This reminds me of when Jerry Springer was hassled by Chicago city legislators for promoting and condoning misdemeanor and felonious assault. Granted, Springer's show was a bit more treacherous, but he ended up being prosecuted in a court of law. I think we should do the same to Maury. He ain't nothin' but a damn pimp! Perhaps the most wealthiest, most famous pimp of them all.

Rudy Guliani is back in the spotlight lately. He's a valued commentator on Fox. He turned the world upside down when he rid New York City of the renegade window shield wiper brigades. Maybe he could renew his law degree in Connecticut and launch an investigation of Maury. He could even get Connie Chung to do some of the dirty investigative work. He would then reveal the results of "Operation Mo Po" on a primetime Fox News Special. Enamored with a return to the spotlight, Guliani would announce a surprise presidential bid for 2012. After he secured the Republican nomination, he would ask Sarah Palin to join his candidacy as the prospective VP. Their catchy campaign slogan "NO MORE MAURY" would swoon the U.S. electorate and vault him to the presidency. At last, the ultimate dream comes true - 3 boobs in the White House.