Monday, January 04, 2010

Dallas Cowboys

I often speak of my putrid disgust for the Dallas Cowboys franchise. What specifically bothers me? Well, it's a combination of several factors. I never cared for the "America's Team" label. Kind of an obnoxious precedent. They seem to derive pleasure from being a microcosm for the massive ego of the U.S. citizenry. I think the star logo exudes this "I'm a superstar" vibe.
And although the connection is admittedly weak, I truly despise restaurants modeled after the Texas steakhouse concept. A pimpled pipsqueak waiter approaches the table with an over sized cowboy hat, scribbling his name on the paper toweled table, he nervously looks at me and inquires, "Howdy, my name's Chet. What can I do you for?" As I'm about to reply, some loud fat kid a few tables over yells at his mom, "I wanna hot fudge sundae!" Then, the obese punk flicks a peanut shell that hits my shoe. All of a sudden, the Honky Tonk Ba-Donk-A-Donk song starts blaring and a sea of line-dancers spontaneously takes the stage. What the fuck is this? Then, my worst fears materialize as I peruse the menu. "The Greatest Steak in the World" is on special so I'll probably get that. It comes with "the biggest buttery baked potato" and the "you'll go koo koo for our korn on the kob." They don't even try to make the names interesting. Just dumb it down to levels previously unknown. Suffice to say, they make the food that I git to eat it.
Most know I'm a stadium fanatic. I love the concept of mammoth human gatherings. I even find the mega-church concept intriguing. How's that for irony? My fascination with coordinated throngs supersedes my contempt for organized religion. But the new Cowboys Stadium? It's so over-the-top, I find it revolting. They constructed a hanging widescreen so large, that a punter can hit it. The unprecedented desire to make the world's biggest flatscreen resulted in a threat to the integrity of the game. But hey, everything's bigger in Texas, right? Perhaps these jerks need a reality check. Honestly, I think Dallas ownership would reap great pride in constructing the world's largest dildo. Just maybe there's a downside. Bigger is NOT always better. There's no acknowledgment of the law of diminishing marginal utility. This is Dallas, Texas. Things like that don't apply here.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones makes me physically nauseous. His face has been so heavily botoxed. It kind of resembles the smoothness of a mango I just saw at Jebbia's. And it has the bland hue of a turnip. But it's the fact that he always goes rushing down to the sidelines when the game is on the line. Apparently, he thinks his players "need" his encouragement. Screw the coaching staff and their assistants. Those morons don't know what they're doing. I'm the one who signs their paychecks. I know what's best. As if the millionaire thugs on the sideline really give a damn about Jerry Jones and his perception of Lawrence Welk/Liberace opulence.
This brings me to my prediction. Dallas is notorious for folding down the stretch in the playoffs. It's one of the few things I really look forward to once a year come playoff time. Usually, the blame falls on their QB Tony Homo. Here's what I hope happens this year. Dallas beats Philly in the wildcard round and advances to play at Minnesota in the divisional round - a plausible scenario so far. Alright, it's late in the 4th quarter. For those of you who don't know, the Cowboys have been besieged with kicking problems this year. They got rid of Nick Folk and brought in placekicker Shaun Suisham. He's accurate but not a very long kicker. So as I said, the clock is winding down and Dallas has driven to the 10 yard line with 4 seconds left. They're down by 1 point and a field goal cinches the win. All of a sudden, a minor controversy about how much time is left on the game clock emerges. Wade Phillips (the coach) is calmly trying to get things right with officials. All of a sudden, Jerry Jones charges the field and pushes the ref. As his monster players force him to the sideline, the ref throws a personal flag foul for making contact with the official. But wait, there's more. Another ref threw a flag for him being on the field in the first place. That's TWO personal fouls with 4 seconds left. All of a sudden, what once was a gimme 10 yarder becomes a 40 yarder (+ the 12 extra yards). Now that poor, just recently signed kicker is staring down a 52 yard. Jerry Jones is still bitching up a storm on the sidelines. One of the lineman, pro bowler Flozell Adam has taken matters into his own hands. He has immobilized Jones by sitting on him.
The Cowboys snap the ball, the kick is up, right down the middle and it falls a yard short. The Vikings players storm the field as the crowd at the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome goes wild. The next day, Jerry Jones calls a press conference and fires head coach Wade Phillips. He then explains to the press how they're going to be looking for a long kicker since they've had special teams problems all year. From this day forth, the entire Cowboys organization is viewed as the biggest joke in the NFL. But hey, at least they've got the biggest stadium. Right on! How about 'dem Cowboys?
Jerry Jones eventually decides that he's the best candidate for head coach. He takes over the reigns of the entire organization (GM & head coach). Dallas posts consecutive 0-16 seasons and the stadium becomes accustomed to attendance figures hovering around the 30,000 mark. Dare to dream. Dare to dream.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I believe the official name is Mall of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.