Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Out of the woods?

Alright, so if the reports are true, Tiger Woods just checked into a sex rehab clinic. Ohhh, this poor man. His empire is crumbling and the only thing people seem worried about is the crisis in Haiti and that the Senate seat in Massachusetts went Republican. I'm kind of surprised Tiger made it back to the forefront of the news so quickly. After the Haiti disaster, I thought he would be given a "brief exemption" from the front page of the news cycle. Honestly, it makes the major news purveyors look juvenile and a bit pernicious. You're reporting on the mass tragedy and human suffering, and then the next moment a panel is yapping about Woods' sex addiction.

Brit Hume took a shitload of heat a few weeks ago. He made a bold suggestion on one of the early talk shows. When the question was posed, "What should Tiger do?," Hume said, "Well, I believe he's currently a Buddhist, but I think he should convert to Christianity and ask for forgiveness." The instantaneous backlash was brutal. Hume was verbally assaulted from every angle imaginable. How dare he impugn the Buddhist religion. What makes him such an expert on absolution from sin? As a serious journalist, how can he be offering advice on accepting Christ as his lord and savior? Blah.

Here's what's truly crazy. I thought Hume's suggestion was total nonsense and at the same time, utterly brilliant. First, I'll address the nonsense aspect. I've always found it amusing (and very sad), that anyone can commit the most horrific crimes against humanity and somehow be magically cured if he mumbles a few words and gets some holy water splashed on his/her forehead. I'm so glad there was a guy who died for my sins. When my time comes, I'll be sure to mumble the infamous, "I accept J.C. into my left ventricle and portions of my upper aorta line." This way I'll get the free pass to heaven. Suh-weet! Think about it. All those years of not having to attend church every Sunday and pray my ass off. The size of my ass being rather diminutive, it's even more reassuring. All those Steeler games I would have missed. Some of those missed field goals and blown coverages - I should have prayed harder. In retrospect, it might have made no difference. Come to think of it, each NFL team should have a faith healer on their sideline. Considering the FACT that roughly 3/4 the U.S. population believe in the healing power of God, shouldn't there be a faith healer for each team to help with those internal injuries. Well, only things like strained muscles, flu-like symptoms, and pulled groins. After all, healing only works for the internal stuff you can't see. Check out the website "why won't god heal amputees." Just google it - one of the best sites I've ever seen.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant. Seriously though, I thought Brit Hume's comments were well within the ballpark. Woods has a near ca-jillion dollar empire and this gives him an instant free pass with most of his major advertisers. And all he has to do is just say, "I'm not a Buddhist anymore. I have become a Christian." Could this be any fucking easier? The vast majority of the U.S. public will just fall in line. "Ohhh, Tiger was a troubled soul, but now he'll be alright. Praise his name."

Technically, I don't even think he would have to say it. He could just have his publicist release a statement. This might work if he's worried about the Buddhist hypocrisy backlash angle. I'd hate to piss off a bunch of Buddhists, but in retrospect, better them than an angry mob of Muslims or Christians. Yeah, I'd have to conclude the Buddhists are more expendable in this regard. Less likely to raise a ruckus, unleash waves of suicide bombers and call upon God to extract vengeance upon thee infidels.

Here's another way he could become a Christian while maintaining a degree of culpable deniability. Tiger seemed to be do fairly well when it came to texting his mistresses. Why not send out a mass text - "Tiger here, I heart Jesus." Then, call the cops and report his phone stolen. BINGO WAS HIS GOD DAMN NAME-O! This is probably the best way. It's the old - I got drunk, wrecked my car, passed out, woke up and called it in stolen routine." Woods totally covers his ass from all the angles. And it's not that tough to get a new phone either. I know the perfect gal who could set him up with one of those 50 dollar a month plans. How's that for a transaction cost savings miracle? Good lord - $600/year to keep your hands on a cool billion. Talk about Econ 101. Possibly the biggest rate of return on an investment ever conceived. I should be the on the morning news circuit. Don't worry Brit, you could fetch me my coffee and doughnuts. I currently drink the Dunkin Donuts medium roast (no cream, no sugar, just black is fine). Skip the doughnuts though, it's all sugar and empty carbs.


Anonymous said...

I love how you think! Best line:
"I accept J.C. into my left ventricle and portions of my upper aorta line. This way I'll get the free pass to heaven. Suh-weet!"
P.S. You are on a posting roll! Love it!

Anonymous said...

Um Stacy-----try reading something literate=========
Saf, you should at least talk to someone that understands the faith you slam constantly!
before you fuck something in the ass at least know what its been eating----
Saf = I'm surprised you're not a Christian since you slam Wheeling constantly but love living in it---------what a jewser
Jew + looser :)