Saturday, March 10, 2012
Benny Hinn is back in Pittsburgh: June 19-20, 2012
If you ever had any doubts, this pretty much sums it up. Just click and watch... as the bodies hit the floor.
Benny Hinn is returning to Pittsburgh this summer at a location TBD. Why does the world's wealthiest televangelist feel so compelled to come to the Steel City? I've often wondered this. So I did a little research. Turns out that Benny Hinn discovered his calling back in of all places... Castle Shannon. That's equidistant between Mt. Lebanon and Dormont. During a trek from Toronto, Canada to Pittsburgh back in 1973... this is where Hinn derived his "hinnspiration" and I suspect gained an appreciation for the tricks of the trade. He witnessed a healing service delivered by one of the famed founding mothers of modern-day televangelism. Her name: Kathryn Kuhlman. She died in 1976.
10 years later in 1983, Toufik Benedictus Hinn (that's his real name) set up shop in Orlando, FL. Hell, learning how to manipulate the terminally ill and incomprehensibly naive is not a skill one acquires overnight. It takes years of practice and refinement. In his case, it took him a decade to get the cross rolling.
Perhaps Benny is sensing his own mortality and yearns to revisit his healing roots. Castle Shannon's First Presbyterian Church is where Kuhlman used to host her crusades. These days it's probably ill-equipped to handle a religious, elderly procession of people confined to wheelchairs. Aside from the hilly terrain, I doubt there's ample neighborhood parking or much in the way of handicapped accessibility. Maybe that's why he scheduled his last visit (which was abruptly canceled - who knows why) for nearby Soldiers and Sailors Hall on the University of Pittsburgh campus.
My point - I am going to take action. I will try my best to get this nonsense eradicated from Pittsburgh, once and for all. Once I find out where this monetary extraction event and "fake healer" (killer song by Metal Church-1990) is setting up shop, I will make an effort to bring it crashing down (preferably, in metaphorical flames). Either that, or I will try and get another protest going. Hell, it "worked" 9 years ago at Mellon Arena. Why not give it another shot? The cause is legit. So this time we'll try something a little different. I'm reminded of the legendary telemarketer Ted Robinson from the West Virginia Troopers Association circa mid-1990's. In a gruff, husky voice, he would pitch all the gift assortments: the jellies and preserves, the steak sauces and seasonings, the mustards and the salad dressings. But in that tainted organization's final year (before it was shut down by the state attorney general), he would push the much heralded "fruit syrups."
Ted Robinson (with a suggestive allure): Yes Ma'am. You've tried the jellies. Hmmm, you've had the meat sauces too. That's good. Well, we've got something new this year. There's something new. It's a little unusual. It's a little different. Uhhh. It's uhh.. well... uhhh. (suddenly with this loud, barking voice) WE CALL IT... FRUIT SYRUPS! YES MA'AM. FRUIT SYRUPS. WE CALL THEM FRUIT SYRUPS. THEY ARE... uhhh, THEY ARE... uhhh GOOD! STRAWBERRY, BLACKBERRY, CHERRY, uhhh BLUEBERRY, APRICOT and uhhh... let me see here... uhhh PLUM! (instantly followed up with) Can we count on you?
Old lady (in a frail voice): "I don't think we can afford it this year. We're trying to cut back."
Ted Robinson: OKAY. THANK YOU. (but he responded so abruptly it actually sounded like he said "OKAY. FUCK YOU.")
It was his bold, methodical manner... the booming inflection... the haunting, teasing delivery. This is what made Ted Robinson a top salesman for the ill-fated Bears Against Drug Program. Every once in a blue moon, you'll see one of those faded promotional bumper stickers on the back of a Buick LeSabre. If only those $39.99 gift boxes could talk. Ohh, the stories they'd tell.
Alright, back to the Benny Hinn fuck. I'm going to try and enlist the help of my favorite twin twosome in Eastern Ohio.... the Chrisagii !! That's a well-deserved dual exclamation point. They don't care for this charlatan either. At least that's what they've told me in the past. And if you can't take Brian and Shawn at their word, you can't trust nobody. Our goal will be to shine a light of purity and invoke the true gospel. But how will we do it?
Well, I had a vision this afternoon. I'll admit that strange scenarios pop into my head from time to time. But this one isn't something I'd normally conjure up. So here's the plan. First off, I must convince the Chrisagii to assist. I have a hunch they'll be on board. They find Benny Hinn about as morally repugnant as I do. And with them it hits even closer to home.
I want to set up a puppet show outside the Benny Hinn miracle crusade. It'll be something along the lines of a makeshift, reinforced cardboard refrigerator box. Low hassle, easy up, quick tear down. I want Brain and Shawn and perhaps a couple others to make sock puppets. The feature characters will include a sock-suited Benny Hinn and some of his devoted followers in desperate need of a healing. Each sock-ensconced person will have their ailments miraculously cured. Sock puppets will arise from the confines of their miniature wheelchairs. Sock puppets will be cured of heart murmurs, cancer and arthritis. Sock puppets will be shaking violently and speaking in tongues. Sock puppets will be falling down as their sock-like bodies hit the floor. It will be glorious.
Jenn D., Jepsonian and I did something similar at a WWE event at the Wheeling Civic Center back around the turn of the century. We made a variety of "socko puppets." It was a gesture of misguided allegiance to our wrestling hero Mankind. Objectively speaking, I'd say the earlier sock puppet endeavor was "semi-festive." At least I thought so.
So rather than engaging in another stale, Occupy-Benny Hinn protest (like the one described in the 7th chapter of my odd-oh biography), we will protest with puppets. Perhaps we can get a WPXI reporter at the scene to document this unusual event. I may have to call in the cavalry.
When you have the Chrisagis Brothers Ministry offering REAL contrasts with Benny Hinn's monster Empire of Salvation... well let's just say the results could prove interesting. I believe a short film or video depicting the contrary juxtapositions could achieve the same critical acclaim afforded to the recent Joseph Kone (Ugandan warlord) video. Think about it.
1) Benny Hinn's net worth has been estimated at roughly 1 billion. The Chrisagii operate on a shoestring budget.
2) Benny Hinn travels the world on his own corporate jet. The Chrisagii have an old Chevy Cavalier.
3) Benny Hinn is sheltered by a massive security entourage. The Chrisagii walk freely amongst the commoners at Bob Evans.
4) Benny Hinn has estates in Florida, Texas and California. The Chrisagii have a modest house in Yorkville, Ohio.
5) Benny Hinn wears these Louis Vuitton designer suits and shops on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. The Chrisagii have a more dated, 1970's Bee Gee's wardrobe. Tight jeans and button down shirts that reveal a modicum of dark chestal hair.
6) Benny Hinn has a massive cable presence across the planet. The Chrisagii have some music videos they've uploaded to youtube.
I could list another 50, but the battery power on this laptop is down to 8%. Gotta wrap things up.
But it all comes down to TRUTH and HONESTY.
Benny Hinn is evil scum. The number of victims he has defrauded is unfathomable. Simply stated, he is the religious equivalent of Bernie Madoff.
The Chrisagii have hearts of gold. They are completely sincere. They fervently try to spread joy and love; whereas Pastor Benny leaves nothing other than a trail of pain and misery. Benny Hinn is the embodiment of the dark side as clearly illustrated in this video.
This whole puppet show idea is a work-in progress but believe me when I say...
As Benny Hinn approaches his final years on this planet, there will be a cycle of justice. You have my word. He has made a financial decision to come to Pittsburgh this summer. I have made a moral determination to do something about it.