Top 10 ways to celebrate a "renegade Christmas" in Wheeling, West Virginia
10) Have a very, huffy Christmas.
With a sprig of mistletoe in hand, follow around local celebrity Patrick Tribett on his auto-erotic asphyxiatory journeys from Bridgeport to Bell-Dirty. On the West Virginia side, it's a huffer's expedition from Benwood to McMechon. But either way, it's truly a Christmas miracle. Whether you wish to wrap your lips around this newer (12-13-12), more subtle golden pucker-upper...
or perhaps you'd prefer an old-school (2-5-12), muggalicious silver smoochie...
Looks like The Trib has put on a few pounds. Regardless, the choice is yours. Tangible proof that daddy did indeed see mommy kissing Santa Claus.
And just a slightly related side note - I've been accused of kissing other women. But it's actually from picking at the label of a Coors Light bottle. When I think of you, I touch myself (and my face). Consequently, I get a nice schmear of Color-A-Dolf, Hitler infused, Jew-glitter.
9) The Revenge of Slashy McSlasherson
It happens every year and I'll gladly accept the blame. Vandalism reports aplenty. Some teenage miscreant goes on a holiday knifing spree. Ohhh, for the love of humanity. Who would do such a thing? Well... I have that impulse. I have that desire. I have those same hopes and dreams. To see the lifeless, flaccid remains of Santa
or even better, a family of Frosties (not Wendy's).
8) Militaristic vision of Elves on Shelves (first generational warfare version)
Those Elf on a Shelf things seem to be making a big comeback. Every mom from Wheeling to Weirton is posting pics on facebook. Look... Keebler the Elf is baking cookies. Scummy the Elf is cleaning the bathtub. Or my personal fav - Brownie the Elf is going potty!
The joy is both unbridled and heartfelt.
Does anyone recall the scene from Braveheart where they're contemplating strategies to withstand a charge of heavy horse?
- William: We'll make spears. Hundreds of them, long spears. Twice as long as a man.
- Hamish: That long?
- William: Aye.
- Hamish: Some men are longer than others.
- Campbell: Your mother been telling you stories about me again, eh?
Here's how the battle plays out in my head. A large blathering of generally obese, loud-sweater wearing Christians prepares to enter St. Mike's. My army of elves prepares itself for a sacred onslaught.
Hold... Hold... Hold... NOW! Witness the horrific collision. All that's left behind is strewn-about, entangled crucifixes and assorted gaudy jewelry. Also, a sea of khakis and blood-splattered fur coats. The darkness of night helps to mitigate the visual carnage.
You needn't watch the entire 2 minutes. (It's a strange edit.)
7) Libations of non-kosher wine and consumption of non-kosher swine
History has witnessed the senseless violence in Pamplona, Spain. Yep, it's the running of the bulls.
They use the same Drowning Pool song for a Benny Hinn miracle healing compilation. Strong choice.
Anyway, the Spanish equivalent is referred to as the Wheeling Pampaloma virus. It's the famed "running of the pigs." It manifests itself in an abundant supply of Bob Evanzezes. There's a new one in the Highlands. There's one across the river in Fartin' Mary. But ya gotta love the one in Woosdale. Whenever I go there for breakfast, this older female waitress will inquire... "And your choice of breakfast meat?" It's impossible for me to adequately describe her stifled, haunting inflection. Her pale complexion reminiscent of the ghost of Christmas past. Her frail, stylistic vocals remind me of the Life Alert woman that fell in the bathtub. Consider it a crowning achievement in the realm of ghoulish holiday solo gospel/spoken word.
6) Stolen Baby
Didn't mean to freak you out. Nobody stole a baby. Well... that is unless baby Jesus counts.
A poll of affected Moundsville residents was immediately commissioned by Governor Earl Ray Tomblin. Turns out that 93% of repsondents would concur that stealing a baby Jesus from a nativity scene is the equivalent of stealing a real, live infant. Good call.
I must admit something. I've been eying up those local manger scenes like a Pavlovian dog. Salivating not only at the sight of baby jesus, but also the apostles (say that 5X fast). Even some of the cloven-hoofed animals. For just one brief second, I considered incorporating bestaiality into my hedonistic lifestyle. But somebody else already stepped up to the plate. We had that dude from Lafferty, Ohio. He had sex with his neighbor's dog, albeit in 2005.
5) Christmas Bigfoot
Many recall the tabloid heroics of Batboy. Wheeling born. Wheeling fed. Wheeling bred.
But on the cusp of Batboy, another mythical creature has emerged. It's an abominable yeti if you will. Some kind of chronologically impaired neanderthal. A genetic mutation gone woefully awry. Comprised of two distinct entities, it is a force to be reckoned with. It's name... Krampagus
1 part Krampus (some excellent footage from the recent 2010 parade in Austria)
1 part Chrisagis Brothers (no explanation necessary, warranted, justified, etc.)
4) Oglebay Unplugged.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all these arena rock bands that do "tamed down" acoustic shows. Best exemplified by Kiss on MTV Unplugged in 1995. That was some really lame shit. Hey now, here's an idea. How about we take the loudest, most melodramatic, obnoxious band to have ever graced the planet earth and we'll bring them into the tranquil, sanctity of your living room?
Anyhoo, "Oglebay Unplugged" is an extrapolation in name only. It would be quite a challenge to "dim down" the annual Festival of Shite(s). You can't really filter out something with such artificial, pretentious vitality. You just gotta head up and unplug all dat shit.
3) Ho fuckin' ho!
Christopher Moltisanti sums it up best in this season 2 Sopranos clip. Tony's crew is trying to figure out who will play the role of Santa Claus for The Bing's annual Christmas party.
But In Wheeling, things are a little different. In the higher elevations, it's beginning to look a lot like a venereal Christmas. Not venerable I tell you. We is talkin' venereal. You see... a few years ago, there was an outbreak of chlamydia at a gentleman's establishment. And I realize this will leave us all feeling a bit queasy/uneasy, but the outbreak was directly attributed to a stripper pole (not a Festivus pole... I assure you). However, the townsfolk refused to remain sullen and complacent. Instead, they embraced these rash, vaginalistic outbreaks with a certain corn-fed vigor.
In keeping with this new found tradition, they stepped up their collective game. Billboards welcomed weary travelers to "Bell-Dirty Bellaire" or "Whorewood Warwood." The city council of "Fondle Me Follansbee" hung up a politically correct banner... Have a Happy Herpes Holiday. Round deez parts, it's called "keepin' it real."
2) A 5K Kristmas
Usually there's a 5K race that coincides with all holiday celebrations. Wheeling ain't no different. You've heard of 'em. The Freedom Run, The Turkey Trot, The Gobble Wobble, Santa's Sleigh Ride, The Red-Nosed Rudolph Run.
Fuck 'em all. I propose a new 5K. I would call it "The Godless Giddy-up" But I also like "The Agnostic Traverse," and to a lesser extent, "The Secular Crawl."
1) Village People, Wheeling Island Casino, 12-28-12
Gonna do a little get-out-the-word effort for the big rock concert. Some would call this guerrilla marketing. I'd be inclined to agree.
WHEELING ISLAND HOTEL-CASINO-RACETRACK ANNOUNCES ITS NEW YEARS WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT LINEUP!
Tickets on sale now for Village People and Hot Property!
Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is hosting the biggest party of the year on New Year’s weekend offering three great nights of entertainment in the Wheeling Island showroom. The party kicks-off with Village People on Friday, December 28 at 8pm. Reserved seating ticket prices are $35 and $30.
So anyway, yeah. I get it. The Village People are coming to Wheeling Downs. I would suggest printing some exclusive tour shirts. Perhaps a picture of "the band" performing in front of a throng of fans (all of whom share the same affliction). Lamentably yes, I am thinking of Down's syndrome.
So watcha gonna do for the big night? Here's what I would suggest. In order to avoid a DUI, you'll likely need a stretch limo. So the best choice would be to max out your $1,200 limit Discover card. Hell, it's worth it. Next up, "where we gonna eat?" Hmmm, Wheeling Island Casino is unmatched for its endless variety of culinary choices.
Someone in the limo wants to get there asap so she can play the video slots. Her lethargic voice proclaims, "They got good numbers over there! Driver, git us to the Island!"
As you cross the famed Wheeling Island Suspension Bridge, the initial obstructive wave will come in the form of malnourished cats. 82% are stricken with feline leukemia. Resembling the migration of the wildebeest along the Masai Mara, kittahs disperse in all directions.
Isn't that interesting? A stampede of animals. Crazy to acknowledge that human beings share the same genetically ingrained herding instincts? Looks like further evidence of a compassionate and caring, nurturing and loving god. Deities are so worthy of human praise. Especially in the aftermath of Germany's aptly named Love Parade (2010). 22 dead, 500+ injured. Or perhaps the 953 that perished in the Bagdad Al-Aaiimia Bridge stampede of 2005. No big deal. Just the largest single day loss of life during the Iraq War.
Probably didn't hear about this one, huh? Well, it's no wonder. Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf a couple days before. Kind of stole the news cycle. Just something to contemplate.
This blog is a prime example of the uncensored thoughts conjured up by a snowed-in, atheist Jew from Wheeling, West Virginia. So to all my Christian brethren... I ask you to stand with me united. Stand in defense of the Israeli homeland and all who would seek her destruction. Purge the Persian President Ahmadinejad. Carry on with a policy of modern-day Palestinian apartheid. Stand in defense of the land where Jesus was born, or where he died, or whatever.
In any event, Shalom.