Monday, December 03, 2012

killer golf ball

Over the summer, "J Wreck" and I were golfing the front 9 of the Jones course at the Speidel golf club.  On the challenging hole #3 (par 4), he hooked his drive into the woods.  He went in for a look and emerged with a handful of golf balls.  One golf ball caught our attention.

Whoopty-whoop, whoopty doo.  Good for you, Saf.  You got yourself a Titliest ProV.  Nice.
Actually, I don't really care for the Titliest brand - too "spongy."  Instead, I like Top Flites and Slazengers.  But to be honest, I'm really not that finicky.  You give me food, I will eat it.  You give me a golf ball, I'll hit it.

But wait... there's more to this story.  The side of this particular golf ball bore an inscription.

For the love of God.  Could it be?  Could this possibly be the property of my old boss... Belmont County's own John Seckman aka "Killer?"  Yes.  I believe I'm in possession of this life-of-the-nonexistent-party, beverage purchasing phenom, aging wunderkind, Fartin' Mary philanthropist's golf ball.  For those unfamiliar with the aforementioned tire-wholesaling icon, I used to haul him and his extended Bell-Dirty posse around in a piece-of-shit limo (the polished vehicular Lincoln Town-Turd) for 6 years.  Then, one day out of the blue, he decided he could never speak to me again.  Bummer.  What's unusual is that he never fired me.  He just came to the conclusion that we could not coexist. Saf, you sound a little bitter.  Perhaps.  I'll cope. 

Still, I'd like to return this golf ball to its rightful owner.  But relevant questions remain...

1)  Does the individual in question have the sufficient amount of narcissistic tendencies and ego-driven compulsion to personally order monogrammed golf balls?

Answer: an unequivocal, absolute, definitive yes.

2)  Could it have simply been a gift, maybe from a family member or one of his devoted minions?

Answer: quite possibly

3)  Or could it be an entirely different individual nicknamed Killer?

Answer: maybe, but I doubt it.  

A year ago, I devised a way to inflict irreparable damage on the entire golf ball industry.  So this matter is a bit more personal than you might think.  Anyhoo, if anyone out there can shed some light on this golf ball's origin, please help a brother out.

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