Sunday, August 08, 2010

Altering the Pirates

On Thursday night, Gig and I went to a Pirates/Rockies game. Nice night, great time. And they even won (even though we bolted in the top of the 8th). This is relevant because if they win the next 37 out of 39 games, they might make the playoffs. Joke, humor, blah.

But of VASTLY greater importance, I thought of a killer idea. When they were singing the classic "Take me out to the Ballgame" song during the 7th inning stretch, I thought to myself, this song has extreme potential for a throng of fans pulling off a "major league" sysytempunkt. Why not get the entire crowd to sing a different version?

Fans are dissatisfied with the current ownership and almost 2 decades of losing seasons. Wait a god-damn-cotton-pickin' West Virginia minute! I know the people that own this franchise. They run it like they run their newspapers - the only concern is to make money, or in the absolute worst case scenario, break even. These people will never go above and beyond regarding the Pirates. Don't expect them to embrace the recent Bill Gates-Warren Buffett donate-half-your-money-to-charity plan. That's okay, it's their prerogative. And I'll even being willing to extend "mad props" for their local goodwill efforts. But to be blunt, they're just not overly concerned with winning and losing. It's probably something they quietly joke about. It all boils down to money. No real passion, blah.

My point - as long as they own the team, the Pirates will almost certainly not venture into the post season. The larger point, or "BALL-Point (pen)" if you will... they have zero interest in accumulating the necessary talent to win the division because it would violate their core principles. It's ONLY about the money. Winning or embracing a zest for life will always be a distant second on the priority list. It could even be on the tertiary list. I think maintaining fiscal sanity during the hot dog launch comes in second. A Nutting marketing rep was recently quoted, "We've got to make cutbacks. Last game an extra 3 dogs went sailing into vacant sections of the upper deck. Those dogs were launched in vain." My neighbor Fuckface has a similar approach to life. Professional sport owners that have this outlook should NOT be in charge. They're far better suited to run insurance companies and freight-oriented tariff shit, not major sports franchises. Parking lots come to mind as well.

So what's the plan, Stan? Well, with the assistance of a few others (they shall remain nameless to protect their identities), I have created the first ever ANTI "Take me out to the Ballgame" song! Now the trick is to get everyone in PNC Park to stand up and sing it during the 7th inning stretch. And as God (or Allah, if you prefer) is my witness, they will be singing this song by late August.

I will print out 10,000 copies of this song at Wheeling Jesuit University and hand them out at an upcoming game in late August. Even better, we'll soon encourage people to spread it virally via their facebook accounts. Of course, all major media organizations will be notified. It's just the right thing to do. Alright, without further adieu, HERE IT IS! I'm exceptionally proud of it. This metallic lead-in will help get you in the mood.

Stand up and shout! (RIP - Ronnie James)
and to a lesser extent...
Shout it Out Loud! (Kiss)

(in accordance with the tempo of the classic "Take me out to the Ballgame")

Take me out to the Pirates
Where the hell is the crowd?
Why doesn't Bob Nutting give a damn?
He won't spend money to fill up the stands
so we'll root, root root for the Steelers
Cuz football's not far away
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out
at the old ball game

Pretty catchy, huh.? Ohhh the temerity! Ohhh, the effrontery. Ohhh, the chutzpah (shout out to Squirrel Hill Pirates fans w/ yarmulkes on at the game - Hey, here's an idea - leave the damn mini-turban at home, it's a ballgame for Christ sake. God can't help your team win. Save it for the synagogue. Chuck Billy would chime in with a hearty "PREACH!"), the raging impudence... Anyway, I think you've garnered my inference.

Maybe your average Pirates fan can do more than boo or cheer. Maybe they could actually shame the ownership to the point where they sell the team. POW! I'm sorry that wasn't strong enough. How about FUCKING KA-POW! There, that sounds better.

ESPN Sportscenter will be loving this footage. I've been yapping on and on about system disruptions for a couple years now. This one's got some true pizazz, almost bordering into the realm of a sparkling Liza Minelli. The funny thing is... This one is so strong, yet trivial. And of course I love my Steelers, but I really don't care for the Pirates (or, baseball for that matter). But I do love the ballpark. Life is replete with so much irony.

I still need to finish the call to arms. It's just a 5-10 sentence preamble where I explain the rationale and try to incite the masses (on your average Tuesday night, that's about 7,600 at PNC Park). Once again, once the song takes hold, the Nuttings will have few options. And here are those options...

A. Sell the team in a desperate attempt to stave off greater humiliation (ouch, that hurts).

B. Stop playing the song in the 7th inning (this is the cowardly option and one I would most likely expect). But you could still get fans to sing it without the usual teleprompting. Everyone knows it comes at the top of the 7th.

C. Or they could actually be shamed into voluntarily spending greater sums of money for real free agent talent. Digging deep into the Nutting coffers, or in this case, those little rubbery change purse things that have a vaginal orifice opening-type-feel. This is the least likely possibility.

Maybe I'll put it in the form of a challenge, kind of like a Preamble to the Constitiution from the Yinzers. "We the fans, In an attempt to secure a more perfect team and hold ownership accountable, blah, etc. I think that's the rout I'll take. That's definitely the way! I just thought of it. Alright, I need to print out the preamble and figure out the wording. This is going to be SO FUCKING BAD ASS. You know I'm excited because I almost never use the bold font and I've done it repeatedly. Stay tuned for further pertinent system disruption oriented follow-up material...


sonofsaf said...

I'm thinking something along the lines of this....

We the Yinzers, of da city of Picksburgh, in order to form a more perfect Buccos, cuz we're sick'n tard of the current ownership, and we want a winnin team n'at, to skewer the Blessuns of Victory to the Parhts and everyone danhtahn, do ordain and establish this BRAND NEW version of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame."

Sing it during the 7th inning stretch.

new version of text

- "Stand up and Shout"... RIP Ronnie James Dio

Anonymous said...

They need a SAF bobblehead night.

Larry said...

It's amazing how similar my place of employment is run like the Pirates. Gotta watch those WV media business guys.