red hat club

If you live in Wheeling, surely you've seen the group of a dozen little old ladies who gather together for lunch. I'm pretty sure they meet once or twice a week and they all wear stylish red hats. I'm not sure if they have some overriding social or political purpose. I think they're just old friends who enjoy each others company. Kudos!

Well, it got me to thinking. After I went running today, I felt a strange urge to steal a USA Today (mostly for the colorful sports section) and I like to read the gambling lines even though I don't bet on pro football anymore. I still like to pick the underdogs and try hypothetical parlays to see if I've "still got it." Regrettably, I don't think I ever had it in the first place. In any event, I went to the Hampton Inn hotel lobby across from the 19th Ho. They have a stack underneath the concierge table next to the main desk. Anyway, I couldn't help but notice that the complimentary continental breakfast was still going on. This surprised me because it was about 11:08am. Usually they close those things up around 10am unless it's the weekend. I couldn't help but notice the bountiful selection of fruit, bagels, muffins, cereal and an extensive array of beverages. It reminded me of that Cafe Burress public access commercial - "We have all kinds of drinks. We have coke, we have mountain dew, we have iced tea, we have sprite, we have root beer, we have diet coke, we have tea... Is there any thirst-quenching liquid this guy doesn't have? And he performs lunchtime karoake! Rumor has it he changes up the lyrics of Unchained Melody. "My darling... I hunger for your buffet."

Anyhoo, I was thinking that during this potential double dip recession, there's a universal interest in scrimping and saving. Everyone is looking for unique ways to cut corners and pinch pennies. I can feel the Jew-spirit in me slowly rising to the surface. Although I've never been a huge fan of breakfast, I really don't have anything against it. I like eggs (unless they're from fucking Hillendale Farms and contaminated with salmonella). Those egghead fucks had to go and ruin it for everyone. I threw out a carton I just bought from Walmart in the Highlands. Pure despair engulfed my soul as I tossed the Great Value brand kitchen bag into the Triadelphia Middle School dumpster. I wept for those eggs.

Anyway, I was delighted by the aforementioned freebie breakfast buffet at Hampton Inn. And a comfortable lounge area to boot. All the amenities - tv, newspaper, and ample parking. So here's my idea. Keeping in spirit with the Red Hat Club, I think we should all gather to sample the hotel cuisines on a regular basis. So here's the projected schedule...

All times 8:00am - 8:45am

Mondays - Alternate Holiday Inn Express (first and third Monday of the month) in Dallas Pike (second and fourth) with the Comfort Inn in Dallas Pike. Convenient location right off I-70 and right next to the Highlands if you need to do some shopping.

Tuesday - Super 8 motel in Elm Grove (to be honest, I'm not sure they spring for a buffet. I'll look into it. You know, fuck Super 8. Most likely, they don't have shit. The lobby usually consists of an attendant behind some steal bars). How about that brand new Marriot hotel they built up above the Bedways in Woodsdale? Oooooh, that's far better. That place looks sharp.

Wednesday - I'm thinking alternate the Best Western w/ the McLure downtown. A similar set-up to the Dallas Pike restaurants. But these hotels are both really ghetto and I'm willing to bet they've scaled back their offerings in an attempt to thwart the growing number of homeless and streetwalkers downtown. Last thing you need to see in the early morning hours is Nipsy wolfing down a muffin-top and leaving behind the stump.

Thursday - Does Oglebay or the Wheeling Island Racetrack Hotel offer a continental breakfast? They're pretty nice hotels so they might not want to take business away from their restaurants.

Friday - Definitely the Hampton Inn in Woodsdale. What better a way to celebrate a late Thursday night Tim Ullom at the 19th Ho. Bask in the 19th Glow the morning after.

My point - it would establish a nice trend for a free, nutritious breakfast. And you get a different crew of people every time. Kind of a light-hearted way for everyone to reconnect without the usual emphasis on alcohol and the strain of the bar scene/meat market mentality. Over the next week, I'll survey the scenes at all of them and fine tune the dates. Let's make this work.