Saf's 2014 World Cup Predictions: Group Stage

http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/matches/index.html

Group A: Brazil, Mexico, Croatia, Cameroon

Croatia is in a tough spot.  They open against the host country in Sao Paolo.  Call me naive, but the entire country will be on FIRE.  I'd expect Brazil to put on a clinic.  Maybe 4-0.  I think they'll be one of the few teams to run the table and get the full 9 points.  Then, Croatia has to play Cameroon in the rainforest climate of Manaus (the city in the heart of the Amazon).  They may have grungy, talent, but I think the Croats will fold early with 2 quick losses.  

Mexico was atrocious in CONCACAF qualifying, needing to win a bizarre playoff against New Zealand to slip into the tournament.  Nonetheless, they still have plenty of talent.  I think their fan base reignites and they rebound strong in South America.

Brazil - 9
Mexico - 6
Cameroon - 3
Croatia - 0

The headlines from group A: Croatia's early exit.  Brazil romps.  Mexico rejuvenated. 

Group B: Chile, Spain, Netherlands, Australia

I think just about all the South American teams will exceed expectations in 2014.  I think the early games set the stage.  I'd look for a draw in the Spain vs. Netherlands match.  Both teams share a point.  Meanwhile, Chile kicks Australia in the outback. 

The decider game will be Spain vs. Chile in Rio De Janeiro.  Whoever wins that game should win the group.  Could be a high scoring tie (3-3).  I think this will be one of the highlight games of the entire World Cup.  Call it a hunch.      

Spain is in the dominant position because they finish the round against Australia (who, by then, will likely have nothing to play for).  I suspect Australia will not even salvage a meaningless point (even if Spain is comfortably on top and can rest their marquee players).

The Dutch have to finish the group stage against Chile in Sao Paulo (not an enviable position for the pot smokers).  I think they'll fold.

I think Chile wins the group.  Spain a close 2nd.  Netherlands fade.  Australia is way out of their league.

Chile - 7
Spain - 5
Netherlands - 4
Australia - 0

Group C: Ivory Coast, Japan, Columbia and Greece

The Ivory Coast are the only African team with a legitimate opportunity to win their group.  They are loaded with solid veteran players from top European club teams (Eboue & Drogba - Galatassary, Toure & Toure - Liverpool & Man City).  Plenty of star power, good mix of youth and endurance but a lack of world class goal-tending could be their achilles heel.

Columbia is the star of the group and FIFA has them ranked #4 in the world.  They fared unbelievably well in the arduous South American qualifying process, but I think they're a bit overhyped.  Columbia vs. Ivory Coast should easily determine the outcome of the group.  I think Ivory Coast wins a thriller.  Give Greece and Japan one point each in their head-to-head. 

Ivory Coast - 7
Columbia - 6
Greece - 1
Japan - 1

Headline shocker - Ivory Coast top Group C.

Group D: Uruguay, England, Italy, Costa Rica

Uruguay barely qualified.  They had to engage in a lopsided "win and you're in" versus arch nemesis Jordan.  Who comes up with this shit and how on earth is "Jordan" in a position to reach the World Cup.  Who was their last opponent???  The vestigial remains of the Syrian chemical weapons disposal unit?  Call me crazy, but Michael Jordan may have been a stronger opponent.  Nonetheless, I suspect they'll come on very strong in neighboring Brazil.  I'd look for them to come out of the gate blazing against Costa Rica. 

The much heralded England vs. Italy match-up (in the muggy rainforest of Manuas) will be a disappointing 0-0 tie.  Remember - you heard it here first.

Italy is always a slow starter.  Then, they somehow manage to finish second and slip into the knock-out phase.  I think that same scenario plays out again.

I like Uruguay to top the group.  They know the terrain.  Italy snags second, as usual.  I think England disappoints big time.  I have a weird hunch they'll lose to Costa Rica.  They'll have their bags packed before the final match.

Uruguay - 5
Italy - 4 (advance on a tight goal differential)
Costa Rica - 4
England - 1

Headlines: England finishes dead last, coach fired, team in disarray.  Costa Rica exceed all expectations but get screwed in the end.

Group E: Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras, France

Switzerland had a surprisingly good qualifying run but I think they're the "best" team that everyone "wouldn't mind" playing.  They're definitely at a disadvantage having to open against Ecuador and then France.

Honduras is a capable team (in CONCACAF) , but their first two matches against powerhouses Ecuador and France will not bode well.  I just don't think they have enough international star power.

I think Ecuador sweeps.  France is uninspired and stale, but gets some narrow 1-0 victories.  Honduras shows up, but it will be too little, too late.  The Swiss come up completely empty with the exception of some hot cocoa for the plane ride back to Bern (where my parents tied the knot).

Ecuador - 9
France - 6
Honduras - 3
Switzerland - 0

Headline:  Ecuador is for real.  If it's not cold, the Swiss fold.

Group F: Argentina, Bosnia-Herzgovinia, Iran, Nigeria

Definitely an oddball group.  Historically, Iran can be a quirky team.  But having to open against Nigeria and then shift to the dominating Argentines will be too much.  I expect they'll collapse.  The same with Bosnia who had an incredibly weak European qualifying group (Latvia, Liechtenstein, all kinds of strange teams you've never heard of).  I usually look for a European underdog to over-perform on the grand stage.  Bosnia won't be that team.

The final match between Argentina and Nigeria could be a thriller.  However, I think both teams will know their fate and settle for a tie.  The outcome might hinge upon who's jockeying for position with the winner and runner-up of Group E.  Would Argentina rather face Ecuador or France?  Hard to say.

Argentina - 7 (by way of a convincing goal differential)
Nigeria - 7
Iran - 3
Bosnia - 0   

Group G: Germany, Portugal, United States, Ghana

 Yep - it's the alleged group of DEATH.  I can see it.  Good intrigue with U.S. coach Juergen Klinsman facing his old national team in the group stage.  Ghana surprised last time around.  I don't think lightning strikes twice.  I think U.S. beats Ghana in the opener and Germany sneaks a close win against Portugal.  Portugal sticks around though.  U.S. has plenty of talent... but just not enough.  They falter against the Germans and Chancellor Merkel gets her revenge against the USA for tapping her cell phone.  The NSA fucks us again.

Germany - 6
Portugal - 4
United States - 3
Ghana - 0

Group H:  Russia, South Korea, Belgium, Algeria

Probably the weakest of the groups.  Whoever wins Group G will be salivating if their opponent turns out to be South Korea.
 
I expect Russia to dominate.  South Korea always has a great work ethic but when you advance to the World Cup on the backs of Taiwan, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, etc... well, that's not really saying too much.  Still, I think they make it to the round of 16.

Although Russia doesn't really "fit in" that well in Brazil, they've got the chemistry and talent.  I expect them to gradually steamroll through the group.  Plus, they have the luxury of closing against Algeria whom I suspect will be thrilled just to "be there."  I think South Korea will bounce back from an opening defeat and finish a strong second.   

Russia - 9
South Korea - 6
Algeria -  1  
Belgium - 1

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Final synopsis - I think the major, general headline will be the strong performance of the South American teams and the lack of showing from the Europeans.

Going home early - Belgium, Switzerland, Bosnia, Netherlands, England, Croatia, Greece and maybe France.   

I think the South American teams will dominate the latter stages in the quarters and semis.

2014 will be a big year for South American football.  Their teams will NOT disappoint.  Much will made of the climate, elevation, heat and humidity.  In its aftermath, I suspect you'll hear some renewed bitching regarding the utter absurdity of Qatar hosting the World Cup in 2022.  And rightfully so - Qatar securing the World Cup is hands down the worst decision every made by FIFA.  None of the governing body's other bullshit even comes close.

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Predictions aside, this will be arguably the biggest party on the planet earth (possibly all-time).  I'd have difficulty conjuring up a better scenario.  An entire month in Brazil for the World Cup.  Doesn't get any more entertaining than that.  If you've got the cash and a penchant for taking a ride on the "wild side," my advice is to skip the Motley Crud concert and hit Rio or maybe Sao Paulo.  Porto Allegro will be a scenic, hot spot too - it borders Argentina and Uruguay with lots of fans likely to make the trek (not the best early match-ups though).  To be honest, anywhere in Brazil would do nicely. 

The only problem - all the host cities are 8-10+ hours apart.  So you'd probably have to fly if you want to check out multiple destinations = $$$.

My advice - go for the early games (June 12-16) or the early knock-out round of 16  (June 28-July 1).

My next blog will focus on predictions for the round of 16, the quarters, semis and eventual champions.  I'm sure everyone is salivating with excitement.

Top 10 "theoretically public dumpsters" in Wheeling, WV

Top 10 "theoretically public dumpsters" in Wheeling, WV


10.  Stoney Hollow Tire in Martins Ferry.  Technically across the river in Ohio, but I have my reasons.

9.  Overlook Terrace apartments.  Discreet brick-walled coverage in a pleasant Wheeling Park atmosphere.

8.  Oglebay Village/Wheeling Station.  Wide open mayhem in an unpleasant Oglebay Park suburb.

7.  Wheeling Jesuit University - "Your Dumping Begins Right Here!"

6.  Long John Silvers dumpster was once the recipient of a human being involved in a fight outside the 19th Ho.  Someone allegedly yelled, "It's time to take out the trash!"

5.  Exxon at the end of Washington Avenue.  If they can spill oil, we can dump trash.

4.  The Mull Mansion.  Nice entry way. 

3.  Vacant mud-filled lot next to the McDonald's drive-thru in Whorewood.

2.  Back to Ohio.  Anywhere in Bell-Dirty!

1.  Anywhere in Triadelphia a/k/a Tri-Dirty!

Jeb Bush strategy to win the presidency in 2016

If I was Jeb Bush and I wanted to be elected President in 2016, here's a little advice from a political junkie.

This entire strategy assumes that Hillary will be the Democratic nominee.  I think that's a pretty safe bet.

First, you've got to win the primary.  I'll assume that fundraising won't be an issue.  You're a Bush.

I would cloak my overall primary and presidential run in terms of an "underdog revenge match" from 1992 (Bill Clinton beating Bush Sr.).  This will give you an instant, easy go-to pitch that you "belong" in the race.  Not only is it accurate and a great story-line, but it places you in the envious role of "underdog."  This way you don't appear to be the privileged candidate who arrogantly assumes they'll be ordained.  You can use this line of tripe to preemptively attack Hillary down the road.    Also, it puts you on the same level as Hillary, thus distancing yourself from a potentially hotly contested primary.  Perception is everything.  Hell, look how Obama defied the conventional norms.  He basically came out of nowhere.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Make a firm commitment to a comprehensive, national, cable news strategy.  Screw the idea of spending an entire year in Iowa pandering to all these small town mayors, pastors and city councilmen.  Every twinkie bake off, every church raffle, every county fair...  Iowa's pretty fucked up anyway (lots of creationists hooked on oxycontin).  Look who won last time around - Santorum & Bachmann?  All you need to do is place somewhere near the top.  Then lightly downplay the importance of Iowa.  Spin the hell out of it - you're already on the campaign bus headed to NH, SC and Florida.  Try to marginalize Iowa.  Jeb will play well in the next 3 states and roll from there.  By then, you're on the fast track.

Never shy away from the press at any point.  Never go into hiding or seclusion.  Go on MSNBC, Al Jazeera, CNN, BBC - all of them, not just Fox News.  Take a page out of John McCain straight talk-express in 2000.  The news cycle is 24/7 - inclusive and continuous.  Assemble a professional, younger, real-time war room who live, eat and breathe high stakes politics.

Stay true to yourself.  Don't get a far-right makeover.

I'd let the other candidates beat each other up while trying to stay on the sidelines and appear presidential.  Kind of like what Romney did in 2012.  Romney actually did a decent job of this... well, until he tried to place a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a nationally televised debate.  Romney was a totally flawed candidate anyway (friendly personality, but totally out of touch with mainstream America - this kind of stuff happens when you're a conservative Mormon worth a quarter billion).  And he put together a very cautious and uninspired team (for the national stage).  And even with all those knocks, it was still a relatively tight race.

As I was saying, let the other candidates extinguish themselves.  Fox News will try that same spin they used in the 2012 primary.  Giving every candidate their day-in-the-sun/top-of-the-polls ranking in order to prove that ALL of them are realistically viable candidates.  I seem to be the only one in the U.S. that understood this concept.  I salute the Fox Network on this move.  It was very well played.  But all of them self-imploded anyway (Cain - affair/no substance, Santorum - religious zealot, Bachmann - bizarre imbecile, Pawlenty - boring, Perry - dolt, Gingrich - self righteous, wife wasn't technically a human being, etc.).

Let Rand Paul be a fringe, conspiracy guy.  Not suited for high office.
Let Christie be the obnoxious blowhard, non-statesmanlike.
Let Cruz be the zany, right wing extremist.
Let Rubio be too young and inexperienced.  Not ready for the national stage.  But don't tear him down.  He's a good fit for VP.

The most important thing - stay ABOVE the fray and pray that Gingrich doesn't run as a means of promoting his own agenda ($ and personal fame).  If you get on his bad side, he'll make you look like an idiot.  This is Jeb's achilles heel - being portrayed as the mental equivalent of his brother.  

Now let's assume you've won the hotly contested primary.

Here's how you win in the general.  Obviously, you'll need to pivot to the center.  That's the "sage" advice you'll get from your overpaid, political consultants.  You'll need Independents, women and a strategy for making a reasonable dent in the minority vote.  You'll have to carry this number of electoral votes in this number of swing states.  Brilliant!  Yeah right!  Who would've thought?

Okay... the best case scenario would be to hope someone famous, with plenty of cash runs from the left (maybe Oprah or a popular movie star) as an independent.  Totally screws Hillary out of 5-10% of her popular vote and you manage to sneak in.  Similar to how Ross Perot siphoned votes from Bush in 1992.  That likely will not happen... so you'll need a real strategy. 

Now here's what we know.  Everyone right now is totally hatin' on the government - the partisanship, the shady dealings, the corruption, the girth, the beltway, the gridlock, the bureaucracy, the taxes, the spending, the invasion of privacy, everything.  This narrative appeals to everyone.  You need to let everything ride on this premise.  How you're the only candidate that is completely committed to not falling into the trap of dysfunctional, big government.  You are NOT part of the establishment.  Since you're coming from the "governor of Florida" perspective, this can work. 

The problem is you'll need to PROVE it.  You'll need to prove that YOU are the true outsider.  A very difficult task since your brother presided over the United Church of America for 8 years.  And your father headed the CIA, was Vice President for 8 years and oh yeah... President for 4 years.  So here's how you actually do it.

Here's my idea.  Explain to the American people how hubris has negatively impacted the 2 prior administrations.  Throw both of them under the bus.  This sucks because you'll have to sell out your brother George, but at the same time, it's a good move because you also distance yourself from him.  It happened with George Bush's "you're with us or against us" war on terror.  And the same hubris phenomenon happened with the Obama team on healthcare.  Explain how when an administration gets something big accomplished, they quickly become a victim of the "inside the bubble" thinking.  The cronyism and ideological insiders seemingly take over everything --- positioning and policy.  Explain how this happened to BOTH prior administrations.  Just because you accomplish something major, doesn't mean you can blow off the concerns of the other party.  You were elected to govern.  You know this.  You're the President, not a King.  This whole concept will sell to mainstream America.

You'll take that different approach.  You'll keep the cabinet fresh and encourage dissent.  You'll be receptive to ideas from the opposition party and inclusive when it comes to major policy decisions.  You'll be a President for the entire U.S. - you could do this by getting some photo ops of campaigning in very solid RED states.  Places like Huntsville, Alabama or Kansas or whatever.  Places where you're confidently ahead.  And go straight into Hillary land as well (Albany and NYC).  While Hillary is totally committed to Hollywood, DC, NYC and the swing states, you're the one who truly understands how the country needs an all-inclusive President.  USE THE NATIONAL PLATFORM OF CABLE TELEVISION.  I realize it defies conventional wisdom, but your time might be better spent in South Dakota as opposed to Toledo, Ohio.  You're the one who's taking a national approach.  Perception is everything.  You'll bring a different style of governing - something only a governor could understand (not Hillary who is the consummate political establishment insider - 8 years in the White House, New York Senator and Secretary of State).  If she tries to latch onto this strategy, she'll appear to be conniving.  Even better, it would force Hillary to take the opposite route (politics of divisiveness).  And just what happens when a woman goes on the attack???  Last time I checked, they come across as a bitch.  That's the trap Hillary needs to avoid.  So why not set her up for it?

Jeb would dictate the terms, establish the narrative and the playing field.  Hillary would have a hell of a fight on her hands if you go this route.  Because she'll have to go with the opposite old-school political strategy.  She'll have to play the tactics of divide and conquer (social issues, women's rights, abortion, gay marriage, etc.)  Division doesn't work as well when you're a woman - because... well once again,  you get labeled as a bitch. 

Remember, Jeb needs to appear like a statesman but with a twist - having a mild contempt for govt.  An establishment, stalwart candidate like Hillary would look silly if she tried something like this.   She's about as crafty and resourceful as they come... but she'd find herself on the defensive.  That's the perspective you want her stuck in.  You define the terms.  You define the narrative.

Some other miscellaneous points...

Don't get trapped in the stale anti-Obama rhetoric (birther crap, Bengazi, Solendra, etc.).  This stuff won't sell in the general.  You've got to keep an eye on the future, not the past.  You're supposed to be that candidate who's looking "forward."  And if you see Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh, run in the opposite direction.  Steer clear of the Tea Party, religious right as best you can.  They're all anti-Hillary anyway.  Trust me, the base will be energized solely based on their contempt for the Hill-dog.  You've already got their votes.

No Romney "America the Beautiful" singalongs and pledge of allegiance crap.  Most normal people know that it's a blatant attempt at pandering.  Once again, be yourself.  The worst thing you can do is appear like another wealthy phony.  No car elevators, no Olympic horses, no fake hunting photo ops.  These days, the vast majority of voters know it's all bullshit anyway.  Plus, it makes you fodder for the late night comedians.

(Probably the best, high stakes political commercial int he history of presidential elections).

In that same vain, let it discreetly leak that you have no interest in actively seeking an endorsement from Donald Trump.  He can endorse me if he wants.  If he doesn't, that's fine.  Jokingly comment and brush it off -- "I'll just have to find a way to live with myself."  Even better yet, comically inform the press, "Well if Trump doesn't endorse me,  I should seriously consider dropping out of the race."  Humor is powerful.  Showcase your personality.  Jeb can do this.  From what I've seen, he's a folksy intellectual.  Smart like his father.  Friendly like his brother.  Comfortable like his mother.  He brings the best of his family traits.

The big thing is that you'll need a strategy to reach out to Independents and women.  Minorities will be an uphill battle, but I think you can snag some of the Latino vote if you stick Rubio as your VP.  Let him do the dirty work (anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage).  You'll need to stay above the pettiness.  I know, with Rubio it's the two guys from Florida narrative.  But people can get past this.  The old strategy of geographically balancing the ticket is way-outdated.  Plus, winning Florida is a must.

Maybe try and find a way to bring Colin Powell back into the picture.  You need to bring in some "power brokers" that are moderates.  Look outside the government.  Look to the media, big business, maybe a sports legend or something. 

Personally, I think Hillary will win.  She's the superior politician and the timing seems right for a woman President.  But you never know.  Say if the stampedes happen --- all bets are off.  A national crisis can change everything.  Conventional wisdom goes straight out the window.  But all things remaining equal, I think Hillary is elected President in 2016.  She's got my vote.  Even though I wrote this blog, you gotta love her.  She's such a total bad ass!

And I just came up with her campaign slogan.   
It's Time.

Slayer - Stage AE, Pittsburgh (11-20-13)

An excerpt from the chapter 5 intro of my autobiography:

"As far as thinking about death and murder and various ways of killing people and how people die... I probably have the most twisted mind in Slayer." - Tom Araya

"Intangible weapons will not bode well for the nation-state." - sonofsaf


So here's a rhetorical question.  What do you do when the baddest, meanest, most ferocious rock and roll band is within an hour of your residence?

A.  Stay inside and watch one of those American Idol singalong shows.
B.  Head to the 19th Ho and watch the Pens game.
C.  Go see them.

Well the answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind.  Make that an engulfing, fog-like smoky wind spewing from Stage AE.  Jepsonian told me it would be an "old-school" set list.  I resisted the temptation to research it because I like to go in fresh (skip to the 1:25 mark).

Turns out he was right.

1. Hell Awaits
2. The Antichrist
3. Necrophobic
4. Mandatory Suicide
5. Captor of Sin
6. War Ensemble
7. Postmortem
8. Altar of Sacrifice
9. Jesus Saves
10. At Dawn They Sleep
11. Die by the Sword
12. Spirit in Black
13. Hallowed Point
14. Seasons in the Abyss
15. Strike of the Beast
    (Exodus cover)
16. Dead Skin Mask
17. Raining Blood
18. Black Magic
19. Encore:
19. South of Heaven 
    Angel of Death

I was amply rewarded for going in fresh.  Highlights for me --- too numerous to mention. 

Yep, Slayer came to town last night.  Larry C. refers to them as "consummate professionals."  I've always liked that term when referencing the planet's ultimate heavy metal band.

Fascinating to watch how this band has progressed through the ages.  Hell, this guy is 52 years old.  I may have been hallucinating, but he briefly turned his head and smiled at me last night.  Well, at least in my direction.

I snagged a spot on the front rail directly below this guy.

He looked at me too, but didn't smile.

The crowd was incredibly respectful.  I think the older metal fans have a better understanding of boundary issues.  I for one, have a deep appreciation for those who "choose NOT to involuntarily impose their profusely sweat-filled existence upon the masses."  I used to refer to this as "Manisweat Destiny."

Sure, I got bumped and nudged a couple times, but nothing compared to how it used to be.  In a weird kind of way, the Hall & Oates crowd was less restrained and obnoxious.  Very difficult to explain this.  You just have to take my word for it.

It may sound silly, but seeing Slayer restored my faith in humanity.  These days it's all about vocals and dancing and costumes.  And of course it all comes neatly packaged with a story of how some shy introvert overcame Type 2 diabetes, homelessness and drug addiction.  And he has that same Justin Beiber sculpted haircut, twerking in unison, throwing out lollipops to the screaming imbeciles.  I almost forgot.  He pulled up in a limo and was wearing a $10,000 jean jacket designed by some famous Frenchie!  With ruby red sequins and a giant pink heart backpatch. 

While I'm scrambling to find the puke bucket, everyone else in the room is clamoring, "Ohhh, she's so talented!  Her voice is incredible.  And she's been through so much!  And she has such poise for someone her age.  And she's so funny too!  She just said her biggest hope and dream is that they bring back McRib!  What a hoot!  That's why you gotta love her!"  That is the routine depth of the conversation.  It's prolonged agony is... well, in a word... agonizing.

What happened last night was the exact opposite.  A confident rock'n'roll band (that recently lost their rhythm guitarist to complications stemming from a spider bite - seriously, what the fuck is that?) playing music that was almost all written over 25 years ago.  Hard to believe.  No yapping about how it's great to be back in Pittsburgh.  No discussion of how they have the greatest fans in the world.  No preaching.  No nonsense.  No games.  No gimmicks.  Just a straight up rock concert.

Come to think of it, maybe I'm somehow the anti-embodiment of the earlier crap I was describing.  Maybe I've become "bizarro Saffy."  I stood nearly motionless the entire show.  My attire --- jeans and an 84 Lumber windbreaker.  My beverage --- a water bottle filled with Lucky Duck Tempranillo (the best of the cheap red wines - $4.97 at Walmart).   No limo either... but I did get to ride in the backseat of Jepson's Pontiac Vibe.  And I've recently experienced multiple life setbacks as well.

Cocksucker!  Yep - I mistakenly purchased the wrong Ocean Spray juice AND the wrong kind of tuna fish.  I got the DIET shit by accident and the tuna soaked in vegetable oil.  I think I'm going to return the tuna. 

Come to think of it, maybe I'm the one with the problem.

playing the "knock out" game with 50,000+

The mainstream media has finally picked up on the "knock out" game.  Some pretty disgusting, warped shit. 

http://nypost.com/2013/11/19/thugs-target-jews-in-sick-knockout-game/

That one hits pretty close to home (Pittsburgh).

While I cannot be of any assistance to the random victims of this bullshit, I am certain of one thing.  Someday, sometime, somewhere (likely in multiple locations), someone is going to play this "game" with large crowds. 

I won't go into the customary, lengthy explanation of artificially generated stampedes.  I will just make one point.  In its aftermath, when people initially try to hold the government accountable, they'll plead the fifth.  As the truth begins to filter out, they'll maintain that it was a unique, unexpected phenomenon.  They'll claim there was no way such a tragedy could have been reasonably predicted.  Finally, when politicians and government employees have their feet held to the fire, there will be some very high profile resignations (President, FCC, DHS, etc.).


 

The Gift of the Chrisagii

The holidays are now upon us.  Somehow, someway... they magically return on a seemingly cyclical basis.  Personally, I've always thought that Americans are given the holidays to prevent civil unrest.  It's the only thing that keeps the commoners in line.  Seriously, if you take away the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years blitz, this country is gonna revolt in ways you cannot fathom. 

Every year I hear the same darn phrase "we need to put the Christ back in Christmas."  From an "atheist Jew, hedonistic kike" perspective, this means very little.  To me at least.  I know... I get it... you've got to steer clear of all that consumerism and commercialism.  That ain't what Jesus was all about.  From what I can surmise, he was about experiencing immeasurable suffering and excruciating torture.  Doused in the crimson passion of Mel Gibson.

Here's a bold idea.  Instead of all grade school Christmas plays, Keebler elves and manger scenes, let's bring Jesus out of the dark ages and into the new century. 

I think there should be a "reenactment" of the crucifixion, but in a more modern sense.  Yep, I'm talking about Jesus being water-boarded and forced to endure stress positions.  Also, subjected to a barrage of heavy metal (Slayer is this Wednesday) and prolonged isolation.  Similar stuff to what happened to the detainees in Zero Dark Thirty.  Maybe even stick him in the middle of that homo-inspired Abu Ghraib prison pyramid.  I won't post that photo (it really creeps me out... as it should).  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The only thing worse than gay porn, is Middle Eastern gay porn (excessive pubic hair issues).  But in all honesty, don't these pics remind you of that special someone?

Anyhoo, Jesus would be deemed an "enemy combatant" and treated accordingly.  I think this has the makings of an off-off Broadway hit.  It's the same "Jesus died for your sins" narrative that we have all grown to know and love... but with a twist.  It's a whole new irreverent spin.  It needs a name though.  How about "Jesus FUCKING Christ?"  That might turn a head or two.

And there's no need to spend a ton of money on marketing and promotion.  Just let Fox News get a hold of the press release.   Palin, Hannity and O'Reilly would unknowingly do all the legwork.

Anyway, it was just a thought.  Feel free to run with it.  Drop me a line and I'll help with the script.  You probably think I'm kidding.  But I never joke about religion.  For it is mankind's ultimate sick comedy.

But as the holidays approacheth, here's what I'm really steamed about.  No... it's not the fact that every parent wants their toddler to sit on the lap of a mall store pedophile Santa.  No... it's not the 4-5 hour traffic jam for the Oglebay Festival of Lights Parade that interferes with entry and egress at the 19th Ho.  And no, it's not the further ramping up of the local police state in an effort to combat holiday drinking and driving.

Truth be told, I'm pissed off at the Chrisagis Brothers!  Make that fuming.  I have a bone to pick with the Chrisagii.  What the hell, Saf?  I thought you loved that zany duo!

Dec. 6
The Chrisagis Brothers Productions presents "The Gift Of The Chrisagii" with us, Ron Retzer, Jeff Garrison, Jennifer Galownia, and Bob Wolfe at the Strand Theater tickets are $10 each.  Please get your tickets early.  It is a night you will cherish bringing in the Season with music, joy, inspiration and celebrating Jesus like no other Christmas concert around.

Of course I love them.  How could you not?  They're the ultimate symbiotic Christian presence.
What I have zero tolerance for is the blatant theft of my term... "Chrisagii."  I invented that word back when they filmed "The Gold, The Girls and The Glory."

 
That's me in the Subar-Jew at the 1:01 mark.   

By its inherent definition, there is no such thing as a single Chrisagis.  You can't have one without the other.  They are a multi-cellular, eukaryotic entity.  Think of them in the same spiritual realm as other pluralizations --- fungi, cacti, hippopotami, etc.  Except you add the additional "i."  That's what puts the Christ in Chrisagii. 

So when I see the above photo with that caption --- uhhh yeah, I get a little perturbed.  Damn straight!  Sure, I'm appreciative they used the correct spelling.  What I find offensive is that I didn't get any credit.  This shows an incredible lack of respect.  I call it "demonstrable disdain."  Would it kill them to use an asterisk or hash tag gismo (^'~`) and credit me accordingly?  In retrospect, I only have myself to blame.  I should have trademarked that shit. 

So once again, the holidays are upon us.  What awaits us?  It's hard to say.  But if these two yokels steal my term "Chrisammich," I will go "wolfman bezerker" and sodomize their collective asses (not Chrisagasses, it's Chrisagassii).  Pronounced Krih-sah-guh-sy.  The four syllables denote four butt cheeks.

"Things you don't know about me" facebook lists

Ahhh, the new facebook craze of the month.  It's these bitstrip cartoons.  I'll do us all a favor and omit the pictures. 

Saf is going on a magic carpet ride.
A full grown Saf is emanating from the womb of Sarah Palin.
Saf is hanging with the Krishna hippies at the Palace of Gold feasting on vegan gruel served out of grimy cement buckets.

But wait a minute.  There's another facebook craze happening.  It's the "you don't know me" lists.  Kind of reminds me of a teenage black girl on Maury... "You don't know me!   You don't know me!  You don't know me!  You don't know me!  You don't know me!  In this case, the 5th time's the charm.  Indeed.

All of this wild and crazy shit you just never knew about a person you thought you knew.
Anyway, I started to think of my own list.  I assigned myself the number 5.  But I quickly realized the obvious - that the content would far exceed the boundaries of "routine facebook social decorum."

5)  I have a hidden closet with a secret collection of beanie babies.

4)  I once "made whoopie" in the back of a Chrysler LeBaron (not Jon Voight's... and it wasn't a convertible).

3)  I secretly fantasize about someone getting beat up in the 19th Ho parking lot and then thrown in the Long John Silver's dumpster.  I know, I know... this one is particularly disturbing.

2)  I made movie star John Corbett cry while at Jaybo's back in the mid 1990's.  At the time, I had no idea who he was, nor would I have cared anyway.  What a tall fucking baby!  Ironic - because my girlfriend is a huge fan.

1)  I've been to 45 Dead shows.  46 if you count the gate crash at Deer Creek in 1995.

All of these are true... except of course #5.  Okay, so that's the marginally acceptable list for facebook consumption.

Now as promised, here's the real list!

5.  I enjoy inventing words and phrases that don't exist.  The vast majority of them are foosball and dome hockey terms (probably about 100).   Recently, I've created a few new terms:

Chrisammich - an individual posing for a photo "sandwiched"  in between the Chrisagis Brothers (Brian and Shawn).  It was formerly known as "betwixt Chrisagii" 

Dominipole - the name I have bestowed upon my neighbor Fuckface's salvaged and restored wooden pole which once delineated our property line about 3 years ago.

A cheap trick on the rest of us - 2 Festivus inspired aluminum poles that stand guard of my living room.  Red and green guitar picks are glued on accordingly.

Natural Disco or Natty Disco - When the sunlight hits my hanging disco ball as opposed to the artificial spotlight.

Jewish Moccasins - the high end, but occasionally stank, Teva sandals I use when golfing. 

I also assign people nicknames, many of which have stuck through the years.  My preferred nickname is sonofsaf.  If standing outside Consol, Heinz Field or a teepee, feel free to invoke my most cherished spiritual name of Indian ancestry --- Scalping Jew.

4.  In the last 10 years, I've been to every concert and sporting event known to man.  I refuse to pay a single penny for tickets.  Instead, I prefer to stand outside and beg.  Works every time.  And it's vastly more entertaining and emotionally rewarding.

3.  To this day, I harbor a great deal of guilt for "repossessing" my ex-girlfriend's cat.  Simply stated, this was probably the most mean-spirited thing I've ever done in my life.  There were some extenuating circumstances, but at the heart of it all, this was completely unacceptable.  Compounding the problem, Muriel was a superior animal (compared to every cat or dog I've ever had contact with).  Jenn - I deeply regret this.  If you're reading this... please know that I am deeply sorry.


2.  I believe there's a way to save the United States democratic political system.  I'm the only person who appears interested in this for reasons I'll never be able to codify or comprehend.  It's called negative voting.  In a nutshell, it affords any registered voter the opportunity to cast a negative ballot for any person running for a political office.  Your vote would count as -1.

You'd still get the exact same number of votes.  It's simply an additional option.  Think of it like voting up or down on a referendum or levy.  Same thing.  But instead of issues, it's people.  In this day and age of electronic voting, it would be incredibly easy to make the necessary changes to the voting machine software.

It would also eliminate the entire notion of having to choose between two objectionable candidates. It's far better than abstaining.  Never again would you hear the phrase, "I chose the lesser of two evils."  All in all, it is a superior reflection of voter intent.

It also gives third party and lesser known candidates a credible, more viable path to obtaining office.
Here's how I know it's a great idea ---- politically established and entrenched Democrats and Republicans would DESPISE it.  Because it instantly obliterates the concept of gerrymandered districts. 

Why haven't you ever heard of this ???   Uhhhh I dunno, probably because it represents the greatest threat ever conceived to the camel clutch, back breaker, bear hug, chicken wing, abdominal stretch, figure four leg lock, choke hold the DemoCRIPS and ReBLOODlicans have on the entire U.S. government (shout out to Jesse Ventura - seriously, you are a complete bad ass). 

The only downside - you have to get people used to the idea that someone could get elected with a negative vote tally.  Personally, I don't find negative integers to be offensive.  However, I could see how this would make some people feel uneasy (particularly the older generation).  

If I ever gain any notoriety or leverage from trying to prevent the stampedes, this will undoubtedly be my new focus.  I wish to improve upon the existing state of our democracy.  And you probably thought preventing human stampedes was my only concern.  LOL.  Which brings me to numero uno....

1.  I'm deeply concerned about the outdated state of emergency evacuation protocol and the potential for mass human stampedes in American football stadiums (particularly the NFL 1 o'clock slate of games).  I believe this could very well be the next 9/11, but it's even worse because of the generational warfare paradigm (killing people without weapons).  I believe this is the next logical step in the progression of human warfare and it will likely usher in one of the ugliest, but easily predictable chapters, in the history of mankind.

For a better explanation - check my website.  agsaf.org
I just put up a new article (Gigi - thanks for the edits).

What the hell!  I forgot to throw in my favorite live rock song.

1/2.  AC/DC - For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)

you say gesundheit, I say Chrisagis

Alright, what the helloweenie is going on?  Just who are these Chrisagimposters?

More importantly, what kind of demonic presence would possess ordinary individuals to actively impersonate the famed Chrisagis Brothers of the deep, inner Tiltonsville region?  Seriously though, you gotta love the r & f (reflection and foundation).  By foundation, I'm referring to the supplemental aggressive makeup caking.  Future Chrisagis facial enhancements should be referred to as "frosting."  I'm not the only one who thinks this.   

This Halloween I saw plenty of cowardly disguises.  Saf, just how do you define "cowardly?"  The term refers to anyone who lacks any originality or creativity (this accounts for about 80% of the Halloween crowd who simply go to a Walmart store and buy some shitty disguise).  What's even worse --- they expect to be praised for their efforts.  Wow, you mean to tell me that you drove all they way to the Highlands?  By yourself?  Way to go.

Truth be told, I enjoy the Chrisagis Brothers.  In the Ohio Valley, so much is stale and uninspired.  Whether it be high school football, excessive tattooing, anything Jambo related, or recounting your drunken night out in the big city (Pixburgh), you just don't see many people willing to step outside the box.  The Chrisagii are an exception.  Not only do they step outside the square box... they romp outside the rhombus... they titillate outside the triangle... they jerk outside the circle.

I have only 2 complaints.

A.  They have so many exceptionally bizarre music videos.  They're all posted on youtube BUT THE COMMENT SECTIONS HAVE BEEN DISABLED.  This completely sucketh.  Yeah... I realize that a few mean-spirited commentators could distract from the critical message of praising Jesus, Ezekial and other biblical carnies.  But come the fuck on!  Brian and Shawn - I'm calling you out (Steve Novotney style).  The world needs to hear from your detractors.  I realize you might take a bit of a beating (non-masturbatory I pray), but you gotta let the narrative play itself out.  Remember the 11th commandment - Thou shalt not impose strict moderation tactics on thy youtube page.

B.  When I think of Chrisagii, the one word that comes to mind is "freshness."  They're always devising some zany new routine.  They might be doing the cha-cha at a Mexican restaurant.  Or they might be playing Wack-a-Mole at the local arcade.  Or picketing the Lion's Den.  Or whatever.

During the 2008-2010 election cycle, I recall them getting extremely "political" on facebook.  I'm begging you two - bring back some of that right wing tea party extremism.  I'm only speaking for myself, but I kinda liked it.  Nothing would excite me more than seeing a picture of Sarah Palin sandwiched in between Brian and Shawn.  And for the record, it's called a "Chrisandwich."  If I owned a local restaurant, you can bet your honky-ass bottom dollar there would be a Chrisandwich" on the menu.  I'd define it as "non-kosher bacon, an egg white patty with a slice of American cheese on an English muffin (with a holy abundance of nooks and crannies)."

I went off on a tangent and forgot what this blog was supposed to be about.  I'm tired of writing so I'll just end it on this celebratory note.  It's about starting a revolution!  Whenever people sneeze, I want the listener to respond with "Chrisagis!"  It has the exact same number of syllables as "God Bless You" or "ge-sund-heit."  So it should be pretty easy to git used to.  It's more about conditioning and socio-responsiveness.  And hey, let's be honest.  When you run into those two, whose heart does not skip a beat?

Whenever and wherever.  It's Chrisagis.  Day or night.  24/7.

When you hear someone sneeze at the Cracker Barrel... Chrisagis.
When you're being groped by the TSA... Chrisagis.
When you're drunk at the 19th Ho... Chrisagis.
At the ice cream parlor... Chrisagis.
When you're being sodomized by an aluminum baseball bat... Chrisaaaaahhhhh - gis.

Try it and you'll see.  Chrisagis !!!  I will make you a believer... in this life or the next.

ginger leprechaun mascot (Notre Dame vs. Pitt)

With regard to NFL and NCAA football, I often find myself in a moral quandary.  Tonight's a good example.  There will be two games of regional interest.

It all comes down to a simple question.  Is it better to cheer for West Virginia or root against Notre Dame?  Your answer awaits.

The Texas Longhorns come to Mountaineer Field for a 7pm game televised on one of the Fox networks.  Rather than identify their channels as Fox News, Fox Sports 1, Fox Sports West, etc., I would suggest assigning them all names associated with bodily fluids and fecal matter --- Fox Piss, Fox Sports Shit, Fox News Vomit.  This would be a positive step in the right direction.

Gig and I are heading to the other big game.  Notre Dame at Pittsburgh.  I just read that it's a total sell-out, standing room only.  Fuck!  We are ticketless.  How will we ever obtain entry?  I suppose we'll have to step up our game by a fraction of less than 1%.  Regardless, her friends are having a monster tailgate within a cunt hair of Gate B.  This means one thing and one thing only --- dinner is served.

The game is at 8pm, nationally televised on ABC.  So a sign is definitely in order.  If you know me, you're well aware that my most hated college football team is the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.  I can't really put my finger on it.  It's either that biblical Touchdown Jesus reference, the obnoxious sense of "warped entitlement" among the fans, the snobbish, prep-driven fan base or the fact that every year they go 6-6 and seem destined for a top-tier bowl game.  Also, the faggot leprechaun.

The Pitt Panthers really aren't THAT objectionable.  They remind me of the Cleveland Browns.  Does anyone truly hate the Browns these days?  I think not.  That's why the term "factory of sadness" was such a big hit.  Nobody cares too much as to take offense.

I used to dislike Pitt.  Now I kind of "pity" them.  I have an ample amount of pity for Pitt.  I find Pitt to be most pitiable.  It would make a decent theme for a future sign, but tonight I will go with this one instead. 

I like this sign because it provides historical and personal context.  More importantly, it also inspires people to think about their own perspective.  In my world, it's not enough to root for a particular sports franchise.  I'd prefer it far more if people adopted an antagonistic approach.  From time to time, you'll hear from these socially unfit miscreants who root for injuries across the board.  These people make me feel a little uncomfortable.  The only thing worse is the fantasy football assholes who painfully invoke the name of everyone on their roster.  Hey, I like Billy Cuntiff (K) just as much as the next guy.  But there comes a time when you need to draw a clear line in the sand. 

Think about it.  When the Dallas Cowboys play the Cincinnati Bengals, how should one react?  When the Bills play the Ravens, what are you physically supposed to do?  Who the hell do you root for when there can be no beneficial outcome?  This situation surfaces in other sports too.  Flyers vs. Capitals - seriously, what the fuck is that?  

As always, I have a point.  And here it is...

I would enjoy the games far more if fans with no personal stake or emotional involvement chose to express negative sentiment.  Rather than abstaining or cheering for a particular team, why not approach it from the opposite perspective.  I'd much rather witness the seething acrimony and unrestrained vitriol.

• It's more intriguing.
• It's more provocative.
• It's more judgmental

And you know what, it's also more in keeping with our unique social topography.
An excerpt from my Chapter 8 of my book...

On August 22, 1998, Question Reality and I went to a Steelers/Falcons game at Mountaineer Field.  He looked at me and said, "It'll be interesting to watch what happens when the two greatest tailgating scenes collide."  I nodded in agreement.  Perhaps as a diehard Steelers and Mountaineers fan, I'm a tad biased.  I know, I know, it was just a preseason game.  But still, it seemed to represent something larger in scope.  Professional vs. college, yinzers vs. hillbillies, a variation of the backyard brawl.  Keep your friends close, your enemies closer I suppose.  It's an apt assessment for Northern West Virginia and Southwestern Pennsylvania.  In our region, sports reigns supreme.  You might be familiar with the five basic needs of man.  Around here it's six.  The pecking order is as follows...  Food/water, shelter, sports, sex, clothing, education. 

Most fans seem to evaluate their enjoyment of stadium sporting events based on wins or losses.  Your team wins, everyone celebrates.  Your team loses, you witness varying degrees of despondency.  But what if a circumstance arises where everyone loses?  Do not casually dismiss this.  It's just another potential outcome.

"In the days of the Colosseum, the games were held below.  I fear the moment in time when the games are held above, when the fans become the players, when the spectators become the combatants."
- sonofsaf

Anyhoo, look for me on television.  I'll be holding the sign.  Unless of course, it gets confiscated by the "Collegiate TSA."  They're a new breed of "assholic security" that's a bit more prominent at the nationally televised night games.  Hopefully I don't end up getting raped, sodomized and probed somewhere deep in the bowels of Heinz Field.

http://www.infowars.com/cops-now-enforcing-anal-probing-on-americans-routinely/

NASCAR rehabilitation strategy

I just finished reading this Time Magazine article about Nascar.

It's all about how NASCAR is failing.

How it never rebounded from the recession.  How its median fan is the aging 47 year old white male.  How it has made little progress in appealing to minorities and the younger generation.  How it's very cost prohibitive (from a fan perspective - cost of gas, hotels, taking off work).  How all the teams are scratching for major sponsors.  How attendance is waning in the Northern and Western markets.  How the networks aren't interested in long-term contracts anymore.

Back in the 1990-2000 time frame, NASCAR used to have the world by the balls.  It had the mainstream sports fan by the scrotum.  The world was its oyster... or fueling station if you will.  Nowadays, the Nascar world is precariously dangling from the entrails of its own vas deferens with a malignant case of testicular cancer.

On a semi related note >

Mr. Balls, aka 'Senhor Testiculo,' goes to bat for cancer research in Brazil

So what's the solution.  How do you reinvigorate this devastated sport?

I think I have the answer.

I'd devise a syndicated NASCAR cartoon that airs every time there's a race.  I'm thinking something along the lines of South Park --- meant for adult digestion, but easily enjoyed by kids.  You could utilize all the voices, caricatures and personalities of the NASCAR circuit.  Since NASCAR is a year-round sport, the cartoon itself, would evolve as the season goes on.  Feuds, driver eccentricities, friendships, spouses, owners... it would be a golden opportunity for NASCAR to showcase its greatest strength - its individual drivers.

You could also feed off the history of all these little towns, cities and their "rich culture" (music, food, traditions, etc.)  Remember, it would be patterned after South Park style humor (dark, ironic, sarcasm, shock) so it would appeal well beyond the "southern redneck stigma."  The drivers would be interacting with the world around them... not just reacting to getting bumped on the restart.  It would make their personalities seem larger than life.

The greatest strength of a cartoon like this is the "real-time" aspect.  It could literally feed off events in the real-world (presidential politics, corporate corruption, war and peace, evolving social and environmental issues), but from an unusual "hillbilly" perspective.  Well, not really hillbilly.  Just more provincial.  It's a totally untapped market that has been gaining steam (Duck Dynasty, Moonshiners, Honey Sticky Bun Boo Boo, etc.). 

All the drivers would do their own voices - this would make them even more marketable from a merchandising perspective.  It unleashes a whole new world for Nascar toys, action figures and all the related Christmasy clutter bullshit.  But most important... it appeals directly to the younger population.  But it would have to be "dark" - incorporating stigmas and stereotypes, but casting them in a truer light.

Plus, it's a great way to improve sagging ratings.  People who wouldn't normally be inclined to watch the cars go round and round (I call it the left-turn paradigm) might actually start tuning in to see how closely the cartoon dialogue mimics the outcome of the race.  And since the vast majority of races are on Sunday afternoon, the timing for such a cartoon couldn't be more perfect.

Your goal would be to air this shit on a major cable network (Cartoon, Fox Sports, WTBS, etc.).  But in this day age of low budget start-ups, maybe just stream it on the internet.  See if it gains any substantial traction and push for the grassroots approach.  Hell, it's worth a shot.  NASCAR is in desperate need of a reinvigorated, nationwide, unified strategy.  In this regard, it could learn a lot from UFC.  They were once a small outfit too.  That Dana White guy... you might not like him, but he definitely gets the big picture.

Plus, I think a cartoon would help bolster the "Fantasy Nascar" product, much in the same way the NFL has struck a bonanza with Fantasy Football.  It would encourage a subculture of yearlong gambling.  And although I wouldn't want to vicariously experience the thrill of NASCAR through some family's rec room in Darlington, SC... I do acknowledge that others might.  You know --- Uncle Bob, Aunt Betty, Little Jimmy, some cat named Muffin Diver, etc.  Theyz all a hootin' and hollerin' at the wide screen.

I'd also throw in relevant, special guest appearances (mayors, pseudo-townie celebs, etc.) based on where the circuit goes.  

It's bold.  It's fresh.  It's innovative.  Not only is it topical, it's a solution.  And as the son of a dermatologist, if there's one thing I know, it's a topical solution.  Check out my agsaf.org website.  Plenty of solutions there as well.

Ironically, I sent NASCAR President Mike Helton a letter last year.

It was all about fan safety.  Did he read it?  Probably not.  Did anyone read it?  Doubtful.  Will NASCAR act on or even acknowledge any of my suggestions?  Are you fucking kidding me?  That would make too much sense.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention my one-liner NASCAR joke I came up with in 1999.  Back then, Jeff Gordon was winning all the races.  He was a pretty boy-villain.  Killer character, by the way.

Anyway, when some local yinzer would bitch about Jeff Gordon, I'd utter the following line with an exceptional degree of redneck twang and tonal inflection...

"Well, it's no wonder Jeff Gordon won the race.  He wasn't sittin' on the pole.  He was damn-near standin' on it!" - sonofsaf


To top it off, he won last week.  Let's bring this gem back!

Scary behavior in Wheeling, WV

My last blog was about West Virginia being accredited with the "neurotic" tag.  This one will be a rare continuation or Part 2.  You may refer to it as the "neurotic extension."

So here's the deal.  About 20% of the adults in this town simply DO NOT TALK.  They have the ability to speak, but they voluntarily choose not to do so.  I might be overstating the phenomena.  Let's go this rout. 15% prefer not to talk.  What I mean by this... they'll only talk about shit they're comfortable with.  They usually stick to fantasy football, country music (Jamboree), work and the kids.  They also might talk about the vacation they took to Myrtle Beach.  But other than that...  you won't be having a spirited debate about foreign policy or Obamacare.  These people just don't willingly open their mouths.  Unless it's to eat mediocre pizza and yummy macaroni salad.

Somewhere around 4% are trending dangerously toward being a complete mute.  They are mostly men who got Forrest Gumped when they were little kids.  By that I mean --- in second grade, some teacher probably told them "You're a stupid idiot who needs to shut up."  Needless to say, they ran with the advice and haven't spoken since.

And around 1% simply cannot communicate (complete recluse/shut-in, coma/vegetative state, etc.).

Now here's a little background on the bar scene in Wheeling.  It's often comprised of these guys I'd call "miscellaneous shifty loners types."  They're usually in the 25-35 age bracket.  Most people go to bars to socialize.  Not these ones.  They sit and stoically stare at the widescreen.  Occasionally, they'll clap their hands when the Penguins score a goal.  Sometimes, they'll mutter, "fuck yeah" if there's a touchdown.  Other than that, they just sit or stand in complete silence and drink their Bud Ice.  Every once in a blue moon, their eyes will shift and take notice of some cleavage or woman's ass.  But even that is the exception, not the rule.

So here's where I'm going with this.  Last night was Halloween in Wheeling.  I went down to Tony and Cleo's for a few beers on the early side (9-10:30ish).  They were having their annual Spooktacular Rockamatic concert (Tongue 'n Cheek and Old Buddy Jack).  This is always a costume-oriented event.  I think they give away a few hundred bucks worth of prizes --- Domino's Pizza, lava lamps, car wash gift certificates (they should really call them "truck wash" gift certificates - it's a better sell 'round deez parts).

Like I was saying.  I went out on the early side to chit chat with DBV (obligatory shout-out!).  Other than that - I generally bail early on - mostly due to the obtrusive volume and an overwhelming frustration with the local human population whom I find increasingly less interesting and particularly non-amusing.

So here's my point.  Remember, it was early in the evening.  This is when the aforementioned, non-speaking loner types tend to gather.  But last night was different from all other nights.  Why you ask?  Was it the fucking Passover Seder?  Uh... no.  It was Halloween.  This is when the freaks come out at night.

Like I was saying, it's Halloween.  So naturally, many people go to great lengths when designing or purchasing their costumes.  And some were wearing complete masks or disguising their faces with monster sunglasses, warrior make-up, fake Duck Dynasty beard, porn mustache, etc. 

Now you would naturally assume that people who undertake all this effort would want to talk about their costume: engage in a set routine, explain the costume or even do a little bit of role-playing.  Think again, asshole!  Remember, these are the "mysterious" loner types.  They do nothing, they say nothing, they are nothing.

So here's why it made for a truly bizarre evening.  This particular bar notoriously appeals to the older bracket (40 to 60 year range).  Many of its regular patrons seem to have these alter ego personalities.  They'll try to impress you with tales of greatness (I'm an oil baron... I'm best friends with Ben Roethlisberger... I own an island in the Caribbean, etc.).

Now let's put it all together.  There's just this bizarre, forced merging of behavioral anomalies.  You've got the non-responsive, muted-masked weirdos walking around AND they're slowly being infiltrated by the "extravagant wannabe pseudo-braggadocios."  So you've got these polyester-suited, older men who are desperately trying impress.  They'll be incessantly yapping about how they just cornered the platinum market.  But they're talking to the non-interactive zombie dude who is perfectly willing to just stand and absorb the whole conversation.

When you glance around the bar and see multiple, simultaneous examples of these scenarios playing themselves out.  Well, it's honestly quite terrifying.  All in all, it makes for some scary behavior in Wheeling, WV.

Also scary in Wheeling - the same shit was probably happening 3 miles down the road at TJ's.

One last thought.  Usually I do have a costume.  I normally try and shoot for more of a theme or an idea.  Considering that the recurring Washington Redskins name controversy is back in the news, I should have gone with my Indian/Jewish businessman alter ego personality... SCALPING JEW.  Fortunately, there's still time!  Halloween ain't til later in the week.   

Then again, it could make the muted-silent fucks feel uncomfortable.  Wouldn't want to rock the boat (or in this case... canoe).

West Virginia is #1... in neurotic behavior

I just saw the Time magazine poll which outlines the behavioral patterns of U.S. residents.

It said that West Virginia is the most neurotic.  Utah is the most agreeable (Sure thing if you're a Mormon.  Judgmental is more like it.).  Wisconsin is the most extroverted (yeah... if you measure social interaction by ones propensity to engage in cow-milking).  And Texas is the most assholic.  Alright... I extrapolated that last entry based solely on the existence of Jerry Jones.

I'm actually a big Dallas fan.  I was at a party last week.  The girl hosting had a huge Cowboys pop-up tent.

Me:  "Nice!  I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan..."
Her:  "Me too, Saf!"
Me:  "You didn't let me finish.  I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan when they score 48 points on their home field and lose in the final seconds on a heartbreak field goal." 

Still, these bastards are claiming that northern WV is the most neurotic state.  The more I think about it, the more I think these Time-Fucks may have a valid point.

*  Virtually every person I know is on some kind of anti-depressant medication.  Adults, teenagers, embryos... The West Virginia pharmaceutical industry knows no boundaries.  We even lead the nation in pet psychiatry.  Yep... my dog seems to have a case of the beagle blues.  We need to get him some chewable Lexapro-laden Beggin' Strips.  My new cat Palin meows too often for no apparent reason.  Let's put her on a strict regimen of Prozacat. 

*  I can totally understand the widespread neuroticism.  Our state is comprised of all these small towns and tiny communities.  What's the overriding essence --- everyone is in everyone's business.  Around here we call it "beeswax."  Look who just got knocked up.  That couple is living in sin.  I saw Dale buying a porno mag at the 7-11.  Tapioca (yep... I'd give generous odds that some girl in Moundsville is named after a tasty pudding) lost all that weight cuz of all that meth she's doin'.     

*  Montani Semper Liberi --- this is our outdated state motto.  Mountaineers are Always Free ???  What a fucking joke.  I'm not sure where you live, but the West Virginia I know is a total police state.  Roving patrols 24/7.  Desperately searching for that burnt out headlight.  "We got a padiddle at the corner of 14th and Market St."  Then, they go in for the kill.  License, registration, proof of insurance, where are you going, who are you related to, what did you eat for breakfast, where do you get your haircut, is that pocket knife a weapon, why do you have a Cleveland Browns sticker in your windshield.  Did you know that all the drugs in Wheeling come from Cleveland?  Are you a drug mule?  I'd like to ask for your consent to a colonic MRI --- you may or may not have condoms in your butt filled with heroin.

Is it any wonder why the population is so paranoid?

*  Everyone is suing the living shit out of everyone.  Out of all 50 states, we are the litigious heck-hole.  You can't even use the phrase "hell-hole" on a billboard for fear of being sued.  True story - that's how bad it is.  I'm even afraid to buy young Tina a bag of Funyons.  Her parent or court appointed guardian might sue me for multiple reasons:

A.  She prefers Munchos.  The sight of the Funyon bag was an intentional infliction of emotional distress.
B.  She wanted the family size bag, not the chintzy little $1.49 Jew-bag.
C.  My daughter has gluten issues.  You're trying to get her to shit herself at church bingo.
D.  The Funyons were a deliberate attempt at "seduction."  She's on court-ordered home confinement for repeated bullying.  She ain't allowed to leave the house and be in possession of salty snacks.

*  Every kid (ages 18-25) has those idiot discs in their ear lobes.  Not only that... but their face and neck are covered with piercings and tattoos.

If this weirdo shit freaks me out (I'm 43), what the hell do you think it does to someone twice my age?  Think about it.  I'm an elderly geezer who's minding my own business.  I'm at Mehlman's Cafeteria for the 4 o'clock dinner rush.  I'm trying to enjoy my cottage cheese, baked fish and tepid Tab.

Hold your horses!  Here comes the youth gone wild.  They're all wearing headphones but you can here the shitty emo music a mile away.  Then they all start frantically texting and sexting.

How do you think this makes me feel?  Just a tad apprehensive perhaps?

*  West Virginia is God's country.  Sure is, daggumit!  How many times have I had the accidental displeasure of hearing these fire and brimstone preachers on AM radio?  For Christ sake, we lead the nation in Pentecostal religious snake handlers.

What the fuck is this?   What century am I living in?  What planet am I living on?

So is West Virginia really the most neurotic?

Damn straight.

Ravens at Steelers (10-20-13): I want an OBAMATICKET !

I'm a big fan of the NFL East coast "late starts."  By that I mean games that begin in the daylight and finish on the cusp of darkness.  4:25 pm is where it's at.  It really ads to the atmosphere.  By that I mean it gives everyone the opportunity to get substantially more wasted.

I left Wheeling with plenty of time to spare (noon) and there was still a shitload of traffic on the parkway.  I had forgotten about the giant duck.  What a dignified tourist attraction.  Millions have flocked to the see this historic, floating landmark.  They should name this thing "Flotzilla."  Yesterday was its last day.  Seriously... I say keep the damn thing and stick it near the entrance to Sandcastle.  Here's a pic of Fuzz, Jess and baby Gwen with the aforementioned duck. 

Personally, I prefer my own duck --- His name is Mr. Quackers.  He originally had a body.  Now he's just a head, stuck in the hillside.   Mr. Q was a gift from Ken D. of Australian/Appalachian fame.

So anyway, Gigi got off work at 3pm and we zipped down to the hood.  Found a dream parking spot and headed toward the stadium.  Speaking of the hood, my hoodie was tangled up in in my coat collar.  So she stops me and decides to fix it right outside Soho.  While fixing it, we ran into this couple who secretly despise me because we always brag about scoring free tickets (while they pay an outrageous sum every year for seats in the 500 peanut level).  Anyway, I felt a little embarrassed.  Gigi was straightening up my clothing as if I were a little kid.  I growled, "Hey... don't embarrass me in front of my friends who hate my guts."  Now, there's a quote you should trademark. 

Trump really deserves to be compensated anytime someone uses his line.  He made a great case for this during the 2012 election cycle.  When I think of humble, non-conceited individuals... naturally Trump comes to mind.  Just as when I think of lesbian disciplinarian, dyke-dominatrix overlords, I envision former DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano.  It's the same guiding principle. 

So we're looking for a couple freebies.  Gigi's haggling with an older whitey, but to no avail.   I stopped by this Pepsi booth and acquired these free Pepsi Awareness beads.

Now that's a noble cause.  I've always thought Pepsi Co. needs a variety of platforms for inseminating their message.  I know... I know... it's supposed to be disseminating.  But when I think of the cola wars, I prefer visions of artificially inseminated beverages (as opposed to those that are artificially generated).    

So yeah, we ended up snagging 2 freebies.  Took us about 20 minutes.  Yesterday, we just went with the old school "I WOULD LIKE A FREE TICKET" sign.  I'd say that tickets were "marginally plentiful," but not "relatively abundant" (like the Tennessee home opener).   More than one person accused me of seeking an "Obamaticket."  I may have to start using this term.  And we found a fantastic new place to sit/stand outside Gate A.  It's a black podium of sorts.  And this one guy walking by gave us a bag with 3 ice cold IC Lights.  And this other guy asked us to watch his trash (an empty beer can).  He muttered, "Keep an eye on it.  I'll be back to pick it up later."  Let's just say that I liked the cut of his jib.

What blew us away was the number of women ditching their purses.  Some were trying to hide them in the shrubs.  Others were just tossing them in the dumpster.  It was literally a sea of purses.  Lots of pissed off women.  There was also a strange diminutive, spiky-mohawked greaser bitching up a storm.  He reminded me of a youthful Bowzer from Sha Na Na fame.  He was irate to the point of tears.  Trust me, he was good shit.   Still not sure what he was crying about, but mini-Bowzer brought me much happiness.

We also had a run-in with a father-son Jew combo.  The dad was trying to stuff a giant bible into the NFL mandated 6"x 12"x 6" clear plastic bag.  The bible was huge.  We inquired as to why you'd bring a monster bible to a football game and he responded that he reads it while his son gambles at the Rivers Casino.  Interesting.  I suggested that he tell security, he needed to bring it in and pray for the home team accordingly.  I imagine the Rooney empire and Steelers organization would welcome the power of prayer.  For some reason, Gigi felt the need to tell him that I was a Jew.  And I felt the need to clarify --- telling him that I'm an "atheist Jew."

So we skipped the entire 1st quarter.  There was just too much strange entertainment going on outside.  When we entered the stadium, Gigi saw a $5.00 bill lying on the ground, but some dude snagged it just as she was making her descent.  However, she did find 2 buttons.  Here is a picture of said buttons along with some kind of white-necked land-cow...

On my Fantastical Football sheet, I predicted a Steelers 16-13 win.  Almost got it.

Steelers 19
Ravens 16