Jeremy Kyle: the all-time worst talk show host

Right before the Maury Povich show comes on, there's this scrappy Brit in the 4 o'clock time slot.  He used to have his very own talk show just a hop across the pond in merry-old England.   But last year, he ventured to the states.  I suppose America was due.  To be honest, our country deserves this pretentious male cunt.  His name... Jeremy Kyle.

So who exactly is this miniscule buffoon?  He bares a faint resemblance to former Prime Minister Tony Blair.  But in reality, he's more of a European, sniveling weasel.  Kind of a pompous rodent.  Somehow he encompasses just about every emotion.  Coy, chivalrous, disarming, predictable, annoying, bombastic, threatening, judgmental, the list goes on...  At least with Maury, you know exactly what you're getting.  With Jeremy Kyle, it's really hard to explain.

He just has this odd penchant for using these egregious, hackneyed lines at every available opportunity.   Let's evaluate a few of his favorite "catch phrases."

Before I do that, I must comment on his musical intro.  It sounds like the refrain of Kool and the Gang's "Celebration."  But trust me, good times will not to be had.

Jeremy enjoys ridiculing men who recklessly procreate.  What's crazy is how he calmly welcomes them to the set and then tears into them.

Jeremy Kyle: "Let's have a warm welcome for LeRoy.  LeRoy, it's great to see you.  Thanks for coming.  Everyone give a round of applause for our friend LeRoy."  Then, just as the guy takes his seat, Kyle goes on the immediate offensive.  He gets right up in his grill, "Well LeRoy, you must be pretty proud of yourself.  It would appear you have 4 different babies by 3 different lassies.  So let me ask a simple question, "Why can't you keep it in your TROUSERS?"

LeRoy: "Uhhh, I don't know man. Cuz it feels good I guess."

Jeremy Kyle: "Ohhh!  You say it feels good!  That's just grand!"  (then he'll hover above the guy trying to appear dominant but at the same time declaratively whisper) "Well here's an idea." (suddenly he launches into a tirade and shouts) "Why don't you put a wrapper on your doodlesnicker!!!" 

Most of the shows deal with guests who abuse drugs and alcohol.  These are recurring themes.  But I get the strange impression that our host is a complete straight edge.  From what I can surmise, he's never smoked a joint or even had a cigarette.  This "goody-two-shoes superiority" is part of his routine strategy.  Ridicule them for their drug or alcohol dependency and then immediately turn compassionate (on a fucking dime, I might add).  But once again, it's his unique verbiage...

Jeremy Kyle:  (softly) "well... well... well...  Tameka, you haven't seen your three kids in a year.  That's truly a shame."

Tameka:  "It ain't my fault.  They took 'em away from me."

Jeremy Kyle:  "Well little lady (Tameka is actually a 320 lb. behemoth), maybe it's because you're taking the cocaine and using all those other dirrrty drugs!"  Tameka tries to stand up and confront him but she's immediately accosted by two hulking security guards.  Kyle timidly stands behind the two of them while heaving his chest, "Listen up, you!  Now park your BACKSIDE in that chair!"

Tameka:  "No, you listen to me!"

Jeremy Kyle: "NO YOUNG LADY!  YOU LISTEN TO ME!  For the last time, WILL YOU TAKE THE DRUGS TEST?"

Just an aside, in Jeremy Kyle-language people don't simply "snort coke" or "pop pills" or "smoke pot."  In his mind, it sounds better if they "do the cocaine" or "use the marijuana" or "ingest the pills." And it's never called a drug test.  For some bizarre reason, it's plural.  It's always a "drugs test."

But our beloved Kyle really tries to steal the spotlight with paternity testing.  This is blatant thievery.  I hate it when some douchebag bandwagoner comes along and tries to outdo Maury.

Jeremy Kyle:  (in a calm, rational voice)  "So we administered a paternity test to determine once and for all if Puffy-J is the father of that adorable young chap.  Uhhh Puffy-J, can you turn your head to the monitor behind you Puffy-J?  (he slowly advances, casually waving the envelope)  I have the final result.  Hmmm, how about that?  Well... well... well... Puffy-J, do you see that young boy?  Well guess what?  (in a hauntingly disturbed British Darth Vader voice) YOUR HIS FATHER!!!

So what's my purpose here?  I've decided to finally rank the all-time worst (by "worst" I mean annoying.  Maury isn't annoying, he's actually quite brilliant) 5 talk show hosts.  It's in ascending order.  And without further ado, here it is!  Drum roll please...

5. Steve Wilkos (former Springer security.  Very uninspired, stale routine - bring out the pimp and threaten to beat him up.  Doesn't let him talk.  Then kicks him off the stage.)
4. Ricki Lake (tells everyone that has unprotected sex that they're going to get AIDS)
3. Tempest Bledsoe (tried to parlay Cosby fame.  Very annoying with horrific hairdo)
2. Sally Jesse Raphael (my arch nemesis.  Kind of like a pasty Dionne Warwick)
1. Jeremy Kyle