#1976. Eli Crane

Arizona Congressman Eli Crane (R) rose to fame on an old episode of Shark Tank selling 50-caliber shell casings disguised as bottle openers.

His company would experience phenomenal sales growth after he "reinvented" the entire product line in the form of anal dildos.  Exclusively designed for gay men serving in the U.S. military.

 

Crane allegedly prefers the pointy end.  But says the decision to insert either end is "ultimately a personal decision between consenting homosexual adults and miscellaneous militaristic faggots."

 

Eli Crane
sonofsaf

I’m heaven sent to beg and maybe borrow
I need mo money for my House campaign
A coup d’etat’s not a crime unless you’re crapping
A toilet stall’s for pissing, crapping, shitting Eli Crane

Eli Crane, Eli Crane
Eli Crane, Eli Crane
Eli Crane, Eli Crane

A toilet stall’s for pissing, pooping, shitting Eli Crane

His asshole’s haunted and you will soon discover
He’ll stand up for the coloreds until the end
Maybe a McDonald’s meal’s a mother fucker
The Big Mac blame for weight gain he’ll defend

Eli Crane, Eli Crane
Eli Crane, Eli Crane
Eli Crane, Eli Crane

A toilet stall’s for shitting defecation Eli Crane

Funny, you know all those crimes deserve explaining
The dime of taxpayer’s is meant to screw
Trump will fuck you
You pray for a believer
Two Corinthians fake news you’ll find
You’re stinking full of bullshit
Open ass wide and insert Eli Crane

Eli Crane, Eli Crane
Eli Crane, Eli Crane

Ivanka’s cunt’s a bitching and queefing queer
Cum on, port-a-jon

Eli Crane, Eli Crane

A toilet stall is for you, toilet stall is for you
Shittin’ Eli Crane

 

Purple Rain
Prince

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain

I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby, I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain

I only want to see you underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain

If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon, raise your hand

Purple rain, purple rain

I only want to see you, only want to see you
In the purple rain

 

My second parody of Purple Rain.  Last summer, I penned #1348.  Herschel's Pain.  It's about the Orange Prolapse endorsement of Herschel Walker's failed U.S. Senate campaign.

From 1980 to 2004, Prince played the Burgh a grand total of 7 times.

Prince:

9-20-97, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

4-14-04, Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, PA*

* - One of my all-time Top 10 favorite concerts.

 

The Big Lie 100: (#1135)

#1938.  Amanda Chase (Leather and Lace --- Stevie Nicks)

#1939.  Wagner Group (Chicken Soup --- Skrillex)

#1940.  Wagner Group (Chicken Soup --- Saint Etienne)

#1941.  Donald Trump Is Not A King (Money Changes Everything --- Cyndi Lauper)

#1942.  Will Hurd (Songbird --- Fleetwood Mac)

#1943.  Trump Is Gay (Trip Away --- Jane's Addiction)

#1944.  Transgender (Surrender --- Natalie Taylor)

#1945.  Robert Bowers (After Hours --- Boz Scaggs)

#1946.  Transgender (Surrender --- Cheap Trick)

#1947.  Mercenary (Virgin Mary --- Joan Baez)

#1948.  Bacon's Fucking You (Breaking Us In Two --- Joe Jackson)

#1949.  Donald Ain't White (Feelin' Alright --- Joe Cocker)

#1950.  Trump's A Cunt (Born To Run --- Bruce Springsteen)

#1951.  Orange Prolapse Fart (Call To Your Heart --- Giuffria)

#1952.  Robert Bowers (Kilburn Towers --- Bee Gees)

#1953.  Is An Asshole (Antisocial --- Anthrax)

#1954.  Walt Nauta (Saltwater --- Julian Lennon)

#1955.  Gay Donald (Hey Stoopid --- Alice Cooper)

#1956.  Luna (Tuna --- Hooverphonic)

#1957.  Sick Bowers (Six Hours --- Alice Cooper)

#1958.  A Border (No Quarter --- Led Zeppelin)

#1959.  Cocaine (The Chain --- Fleetwood Mac)

#1960.  Steven Daines (Country Lanes --- Bee Gees)

#1961.  Greene Is Outta Line (Teenage Frankenstein --- Alice Cooper)

#1962.  Nauta Fucks You (Gotta Jibboo --- Phish)

#1963.  Greene Can't Be Trusted (Mean Mister Mustard --- The Beatles)

#1964.  Kash (Trash --- Silverchair)

#1965.  Sam Brown (Breakdown --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#1966.  The Jesse Law Acrimony (The Oh Kee Pa Ceremony --- Phish)

#1967.  I Hate Sam Brown (I Won't Back Down --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#1968.  Aileen Cannon (Feast or Famine --- Seether)

#1969.  Tommy (Shit) (Eminem --- Mommy (Skit)

#1970.  I Saw Tommy Fisting Donald Trump (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus --- Twisted Sister)

#1971.  Tommy, Can A Nationalist Be White (Mommy, Can I Go Out And Kill Tonight --- The Misfits)

#1972.  Taylor Greene's Gay (In Between Days --- The Cure)

#1973.  Just Like Kevin (Just Like Heaven --- The Cure)

#1974.  Eli Crane (Crazy Train --- Ozzy Osbourne)

#1975.  Crane (Rain --- Rusted Root)

#1976.  Eli Crane (Purple Rain --- Prince)

Please do not share this material with Eli Crane (R-AZ) and/or former President Donald J. Trump.