#2639. Crooks Will Kill

Well, well, well...

Just yesterday, Thomas Matthew Crooks of nearby Bethel Park unsuccessfully tried to assassinate the Orange Prolapse up in Butt-ler County.

 

Naturally, Trump's "senior strategists" Chris LaCivita and Susie Wiles...

Lookie here, it's Uncle Baldo and Aunt Meat Curtains.

 

are gonna be all over this talking point.  "First they tried to bankrupt him, then they wanted to imprison him, and now they tried to kill him.  But he will NEVER quit or surrender.  He will fight for our country no matter what happens.  Because Trump loves America, he loves you, he's a brave warrior, yadda yadda yadda.

So here is the superior counter-narrative for the Biden team.  And it's not terribly complex.

We already know it's been well-established by his Bethel Park classmates that Thomas Matthew Crooks was a loner-nerd-virgin, had no friends, always ate lunch alone, was routinely bullied, mercilessly tormented, and so on and so forth.  

So you gotta take advantage of that narrative.  What was the precise nature of the bullying?  How did it manifest itself?  What was his motivation?

Well... it turns out that all of the bullies just happened to be a bunch of macho Trumper high school fucks.  And guess what?  When they picked on Crooks, they'd assign him a different nickname every time they beat the living shit out of him.

"Birdbrain, Coco Chow, Crooked Hillary, Horseface, Peekaboo, Crazy Nancy, etc."  

Chanting in unison while they rained down blows.  Sound familiar?

And to top it off, the only non-female nickname?  Boot-Edge-Edge.  Gee, I wonder why.  

So you see, what happened was basically inevitable.  This Brooks kid eventually lost his shit and decided to retaliate against his aggressors... by killing their hero. (Hint: Trump)

This narrative is sound.  Why?  Because whenever Trump tries to spam raise or do a sympathy grift, the question will arise - Well, truth be told, didn't he really bring all this shit upon himself?  Seriously, what kind of BeBest, 78 year old man would constantly post derogatory and humiliating nicknames of his perceived female adversaries?  

This makes Trump operate from a defensive posture, or even worse, entirely capitulate on what should instantly be an easy win-win issue.  His assassination attempt.

 

Don't mind me.  Just pumpin' out a lil' trumpin' 'n dumpin.

 

Crooks Will Kill
sonofsaf

Clowns are fucked up
I don’t mean to harp
An Orange Prolapse display
Unwise with a fart

Now he’s an asshole crack
On toilet he sat
And Joe Biden’s to blame
Hell of an anal attack

Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks
(Thomas Crooks will kill
Thomas Crooks will kill)

Clown’s a fuckin’ goof
Unkind and very mean
Son-in-law’s a Jew
Kushner’s very obscene

In search of Bud Light
The Boys are Prouder and Prouder
That dildo’s a BeBest fake news toy
Yo welcome to Trump Tower

Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks
(Thomas M. Crooks
Thomas M. Crooks
Thomas M. Crooks
Thomas M. Crooks)

Clowns are fucked up
I don’t mean to harp
An Orange Prolapse display
Unwise with a fart

Now he’s an asshole crack
On toilet he sat
And Joe Biden’s to blame
Hell of an anal attack

Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks will kill, oh
Thomas M. Crooks
(Thomas M. Crooks
Thomas M. Crooks)

Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill
Thomas M. Crooks will kill

 

Looks That Kill
Motley Crue

Now listen up
She's a razor sharp
If she don't get her way
She'll slice you apart

Now she's a cool, cool black
She moves like a cat
If you don't get her name
Well, you might not make it back

She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the look
(She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill)

Now she's bulletproof
She keeps her motor clean
And believe me, you
She's a number thirteen

The church strikes midnight
She's looking louder and louder
She's going to turn on our juice, boy
So she turns on the power

She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the look
(She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got the look)

Now listen up
She's a razor sharp
If she don't get her way
She'll slice you apart

Now she's a cool, cool black
Moves like a cat
If you don't get her name
You might not make it back

She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the looks that kill, that kill, oh
She's got the look
(She got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill)

She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill
She's got looks that kill

 

After minimal contemplation, maybe this parody should have been titled... "Crooks Should Kill."  It's cleaner.

Saf, what's your favorite Motley Crue album?  Answer: Shout At The Devil.  Too suggest otherwise would be an act of sheer blasphemy.

My third parody of Looks the Kill.  Great tune.  Definitely one of their best songs.

#283.  Brooks That Kill (regarding ex-Congressman and noted child molester Mo Brooks)

#2076.  Tuberville (regarding Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville)

#2639.  Crooks Will Kill

The Big Lie 100: (#1769)

#2566.  Vance (Chance --- Big Country)

#2567.  Donald Trump Ain't Devout (That's What It's All About --- Brooks & Dunn)

#2568.  Royce White (Love Bites --- Judas Priest)

#2569.  Royce Isn't White (Fight For Your Right --- Beastie Boys)

#2570.  Trump's A Cunt (Light My Love --- Greta Van Fleet)

#2571.  Vincent Fong (We Belong --- Pat Benatar)

#2572.  Fong's A Clown (Long Way Down --- Goo Goo Dolls)

#2573.  Vincent Fong In Trump Tower (All Along The Watchtower --- Grateful Dead)

#2574.  Red Lobster (Rock Lobster --- B-52's)

#2575.  Robert Jr. (Way Cool Jr. --- Ratt)

#2576.  Daines The Cunt (Chains Of Love --- B.B. King)

#2577.  John McGuire (Light My Fire --- The Doors)

#2578.  John McGuire (Start The Fire --- Metal Church)

#2579.  John McGuire (I'm On Fire --- Bruce Springsteen)

#2580.  Bill Lee (Billy --- Judge Smails)

#2581.  McGuire (Crossfire --- Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble)

#2582.  McGuire (Live Wire --- Motley Crue)

#2583.  McGuire (Hang Wire --- Pixies)

#2584.  Tim Sheehy (Faithfully --- Journey) 

#2585.  No Tim Sheehy (No Sympathy --- Bob Marley)

#2586.  Joseph McGuire (Trial By Fire --- Testament)

#2587.  Tim Sheehy (Thirty Three --- Smashing Pumpkins)

#2588.  Jared's A Jew (No One Like You --- Scorpions)

#2589.  Kicker Harrison Butker (The Mother of All Fuckers --- Brian Jonestown Massacre)

#2590.  McGuire (Hang Fire --- Rolling Stones)

#2591.  Fuck Harrison Butker (Hello From The Gutter --- Overkill)

#2592.  U.S. Jews (U.S. Blues --- Grateful Dead)

#2593.  Jeff Van Drew (Black And Blue --- Van Halen)

#2594.  Alex Jones (Game Of Thrones --- HBO)

#2595.  Ed Martin (The Curtain --- Phish)

#2596.  Trumpin' (Women --- Def Leppard)

#2597.  Mike Roman (Bad Omen --- Megadeth) 

#2598.  Trump Is A Clown (Farewell For Now --- Greta Van Fleet)

#2599.  Sam Brown (This Town --- Neil Young)

#2600.  Sam Brown (Showdown --- E.L.O.)

#2601.  Sam Brown (Ghost Town --- The Vaccines)

#2602.  Sam Brown's A Clown (Don't Let Me Down --- The Beatles)

#2603.  Lies Of Nancy Mace (Eyes Without A Face --- Billy Idol)

#2604.  Trump Romancer (Tiny Dancer --- Elton John)

#2605.  Downing (Drowning --- Radio Company)

#2606.  Orange Prolapsin' Fart (Listen To Your Heart --- Roxette)

#2607.  Donald's Dildo Toys (Come On Feel The Noize --- Quiet Riot)

#2608.  Trump Dumps Ain't A Crime (One Day At A Time --- Cristy Lane)

#2609.  All You Need Is Trump (All You Need Is Love ---The Beatles)

#2610.  O'Brien (O'Brien --- Seinfeld episode)

#2611.  Tenney Is A Whore (Penny On The Floor --- The Clarks)

#2612.  Trump Is Great (Born Too Late --- The Clarks)

#2613.  Gabe (Babe --- Styx)

#2614.  Doug Burgum's A Cunt (I Want A New Drug --- Huey Lewis & The News)

#2615.  Pastor John Mark Burns (As the World Burns --- Kreator)

#2616.  Deepfake (Jailbreak --- Anthrax)

#2617.  Buckhout (Blackout --- Scorpions)

#2618.  Deepfaker (Heartbreaker --- Pat Benatar)

#2619.  Donald Trump (Tainted Love --- Soft Cell)

#2620.  Donald Trump (Icky Thump --- White Stripes)

#2621.  Steve Daines (The Plains --- Wilco)

#2622.  Deepfaker (Heartbreaker --- Free)

#2623.  Trump's A Clown (All Right Now --- Queen w/ Paul Rodgers)

#2624.  Donald Trump Is Tragic (Listen To The Music --- Doobie Brothers)

#2625.  Greenwood (Falsehood --- Alpha Wolf)

#2626.  Orange Prolapse (Built To Last --- Grateful Dead)

#2627.  The Donald's A Clown From Florida (The Devil Went Down To Georgia --- Charlie Daniels Band) 

#2628.  Trump Dump (Love Dump --- Static-X)

#2629.  Missouri Doctor Bob Onder (Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder --- Dean Martin)

#2630.  Bobb (Job --- Iggy Pop & The Stooges)

#2631.  Kremer (Dreamer --- Supertramp)

#2632.  Amy Fuckin' Kremer (Jesus, My Redeemer --- Chris Tomlin)

#2633.  Amy Kremer (Jesus Screamer --- Sodom)

#2634.  Donald Trump Is Shitty (Isn't It A Pity --- My Morning Jacket)

#2635.  McGuire (Crossfire --- Judas Priest)

#2636.  Arizona Cunt Nancy Cottle (If I Could Make Love To A Bottle --- Weird Al Yankovic)

#2637.  Cottle Fuck (Bottled Up --- DEVO)

#2638.  Grothman (Loves The Orange Prolapse --- Caution: Do Not Stop On Tracks --- Grateful Dead)

#2639.  Crooks Will Kill (Looks That Kill --- Motley Crue)

 

Please do not share this material with the family of Thomas Matthew Crooks and/or former President Donald J. Trump.