#1930. Huggy Bear Ain't Right

WVU Basketball Coach Bob Huggins resigned after his DUI arrest in the Burgh on Saturday night.  

I honestly think Taylor Swift should offer to pay his legal fees.  And here's my rationale.  Huggins probably believed it was his responsibility to consume as much alcohol as possible that evening... because all of those teenage Swiftie girls weren't legally permitted to "carry their weight."  Hey, let's face the facts.  Acrid Turd Stadium may have set a new attendance record (73,117).  But on that same night, their beer sales fell totally flat.

An excerpt from my "Odd, Oh Biography."  Specifically, the Labor chapter from my first book written in 2011.

It's about a different kind of Huggy Bear...

Bears Against Drugs

So the time seemed right to re-enroll in school (West Liberty State College) and finish my degree.  But I still needed a job.  Enter the famed West Virginia Troopers Association and their notorious Bears Against Drugs program.  This was nothing more than a glorified telemarketing organization which sold "holiday inspired gift assortments" manufactured by a company called Smoky Mountain Secrets based out of Knoxville, Tennessee.  When selecting which gift box, the options were plentiful.  The jellies and preserves were the most common choice.  Not a fan of gelatinous substances or even speaking the word "jelly," I would normally push the steak sauces and seasonings.  This seemed more conducive to the overall sales pitch.  Other options included overpriced mustard, costly salad dressings and the much heralded fruit syrups.  Despite all the exquisite culinary choices, the entire operation was barely legitimate.  I wouldn't call it a complete scam though.  At least you got some jars of jam.  I spent over 3 years calling residents throughout northern West Virginia and Eastern Ohio.  Between carrying a full class load, working about 30 hours a week and partying my ass off, it was a rough ride.  But observing employee behavior helped see me through.

Most of the employees had the ability to speak extemporaneously, but from time to time they'd hire someone who could neither read nor write.  Our boss had a simple hiring policy.  Keep all the phones manned and push the shit out.  One memorable employee was this guy Neck Tattoo.  Neck Tattoo was very passionate but incapable of reading the fallback script.  And his communicative abilities were noticeably subpar.  Occasionally customers would pose the question, "Where does the money go?"  This was an edgy question because the entire operation was always under legal scrutiny.  When confronted with "what do you do with the money" here was the preferred response... "Some of the proceeds are used to purchase small teddy bears.  We place them in all the troopers' cruisers so if they come upon a child who has been traumatized in an accident, we can give them a teddy bear.  Ma'am, just clutching that teddy bear helps calm and reassure the child until a professional can tend to their emotional needs."  Keep in mind, this response was for people with minimal communication skills.

Well, during his brief time with Bears Against Drugs, Neck Tattoo was on the receiving end of the infamous "where does the money go" question.  I was seated nearby.  Let me do my best to recreate the conversation.

Elderly Woman:  "I'm just curious.  What do you do with the proceeds?"

Neck Tattoo:  "Yes ma'am, the money goes to the troopers."

Elderly Woman:  "Could you please be more specific?"

Neck Tattoo starts to lightly perspire:  "Troopers give 'em Teddy Hug-A-Bear."

Elderly Woman (speaking in a frail tone): "I don't know what you mean."

An agitated but confident Neck Tattoo: "Yes ma'am, they give 'em Hug-A-Bear.  It makes 'em understand."

Elderly Woman: "Excuse me?"

Neck Tattoo (lurching into the phone):  "Hug-A-Bear!  They get Hug-a-Bear!"

Elderly Woman: "Huh?"

A suddenly irate and exasperated Neck Tattoo jumps to his feet.  He places the phone directly perpendicular to his mouth and screams at the top of his lungs, "Hug-A-Bear!  I said Hug-A-Bear!  It makes 'em understand ma'am.  Trooper give 'em Hug-A-Bear!  Makes 'em understand!" 

At this moment and utterly clueless, the frightened elderly woman chose to hang up.  A flabbergasted Neck Tattoo turns to me and says, "The bitch didn't want no jellies."

Another employee was the reclusive Whiskey Thermos.  Whiskey Thermos was an ill-tempered man.  He had an unusual demeanor.  Calm and reserved yet prone to excessive and disconnected cursing. 

For example, as he strolled to the restroom he'd mutter, "I can't believe it's already fucking god damn dark outside.  Daylight savings shit."  Or when pouring a cup of coffee, he would say, "We're outta creamer again.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Cum in it?"  

But one shining moment really stood apart from the rest.  His daughter had come to pick him up at the end of the night.  "He looked at her and casually inquired, "Why you late you daughter clit bitch?"  Was the genitalia reference necessary?  Yes, for him, I believe it was.

The Bears Against Drugs operation folded the following year.  I got the impression that similar programs elsewhere came under attack from the attorneys general of neighboring states.  So I took all this acquired wisdom and experience and set out on my own.  

 

 

Huggy Bear Ain’t Right
sonofsaf

DUI he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, Oh Lord
He’ll be hating all that torment and all of the strife, Oh Lord
Alcohol he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well, ‘cause Donald Trump is a clown and
The coup was badly planned
A basket case until the end
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, Donald’s hair is mostly bald and shit
As he keeps on spreading big lies
Because his pride is a sin
A McDonald’s win
All an Orange Prolapse disguise

A DUI’s he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord
Well, he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife,  oh Lord
DUI he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord
And he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife, oh Lord, oh Lord

Stormy dismember, she’d dismember in a hurry
Chop it off with no regret
It’s the worst crime, the best crime with little debt
Because Donald’s treason why our country’s so fucked up
Oh say can you see
Trump ain’t albino
But orange doncha know
Constant danger and enemy

A DUI’s he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord
Well, he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife,  oh Lord
DUI he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord
And he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife, oh Lord
DUI he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord
And he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife, oh Lord
DUI he’s bumming Huggy Bear ain’t right, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord
And he’ll be hating all the torment from his dear wife, oh Lord, oh Lord

 

In The Air Tonight
Phil Collins

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord / DUI’s a-coming Huggy Bear that’s right
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin,
I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well, I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget,
It's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up,
No you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show
But the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well, I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord
But I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
But I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord
But I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord

Lest ye forget the infamous scene from Miami Vice.  Good stuff.

From 1972 to the present, Phil Collins and/or Genesis played the Burgh a grand total of 21 times.

Phil Collins:

10-2-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (Phil Collins)

12-13-21, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh (Genesis)

Bob Huggins:

3-11-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA (WVU lost to Gonzaga 77-54)

Believe it or not, I have never attended a WVU basketball game in Morgantown.  It's true.  It's damn true.

The Big Lie 100: (#1091)

#1740.  CPAC (Stand Back --- Stevie Nicks)

#1741.  CPAC's Frightnin' (Smokestack Lightnin' --- Grateful Dead)

#1742.  Hatin' Nate Schatzline (Lay It On the Line --- Triumph)

#1743.  Nate Schatzline (Hold The Line --- Toto)

#1744.*  Faking The Violence (Breaking The Silence --- Queensryche)

#1745.  Treason He's A Cunt (Seasons In The Sun --- Terry Jacks)

#1746.  Tucker (Fucker --- Brian Jonestown Massacre)

#1747.  Lake's My Enemy (Cake And Sodomy --- Marilyn Manson)

#1748.  Newt (Cute --- Bobby Darrin)

#1749.  Donald Trump Is Gay (Take My Breath Away --- Berlin)

#1750.  Markwayne Mullin (Cocaine And Gin --- Kid Rock)

#1751.  Stormy's Better (Stormy Weather --- Billie Holiday)

#1752.  Stormy's Wetter (Stormy Weather --- The Pixies)

#1753.  Bell (Hell --- Foo Fighters)

#1754.  Will Will Slap You (We Will Rock You --- Queen)

#1755.  Donald Trump's a Cunt (On The Wings Of Love --- Jeffrey Osbourne)

#1756.  Donald Is A Child (Bad Boys Running Wild --- Scorpions)

#1757.  Donald's A Child (Running Wild --- Judas Priest)

#1758.  McConnell (Raising Hell --- Tom Morello & Ben Harper)

#1759.  ... Jim Justice Asshole (... And Justice For All --- Metallica) 

#1760.  Mike Pence Is Shit (Don't Fence Me In --- Willie Nelson)

#1761.  Blum (Dumb --- Nirvana)

#1762.  Charlie Kirk Sold Out (We Can Work It Out --- The Beatles)

#1763.  Xi Fucks You (She Loves You --- The Beatles)

#1764.  Has Been Chip Roy (Seek And Destroy --- Metallica)

#1765.  Steil (Smile -- Pearl Jam)

#1766.  Congressman Steil's Critical Race (God Put A Smile Upon Your Face --- Coldplay)

#1767.  Steil's A Liar (Trial By Fire --- Testament)

#1768.  Xi's Fucking Trump's Wife (She's Out Of My Life --- Michael Jackson)

#1769.  His Name Is Dave Williams (How I Made My Millions --- Radiohead)

#1770.  Xi Jinping's A Basket Case (Everything In Its Right Place --- Radiohead)

#1771.  Hovde Will Fuck You (Lovely To See You --- Moody Blues)

#1772.  Jim Justice (Seed Justice --- Neil Young)

#1773.  Steil (Smile --- Michael Jackson)

#1774.  Xi Jinping's Dead (Everything Zen --- Bush)

#1775.  Robinson (Machine Gun --- The Commodores)

#1776.  Donald's An Orange Prolapse Fart (Owner Of A Lonely Heart --- Yes)

#1777.  Nashville Isn't Lucky (Nashville to Kentucky --- My Morning Jacket)

#1778.  Tennessee Dead (Tennessee Jed --- Grateful Dead)

#1779.  Tim Burchett's Shitty (Suffragette City --- David Bowie)

#1780.  On Fox News Sean Hannity (The Frayed Ends Of Sanity --- Metallica)

#1781.  What The Fuck (Thunderstruck --- AC/DC)

#1782.  Indicted (United --- Judas Priest)

#1783.  Indicted Cunt (United Blood --- Agnostic Front)

#1784.  Indicted Not Long (United And Strong --- Agnostic Front)

#1785.  Indicted As Planned (United We Stand --- Elton John)

#1786.  Why Do Proud Boys Need More Dildos (Are There Any More Real Cowboys --- Neil Young)

#1787.  Don't Lie For Trump Tacopina (Don't Cry For Me Argentina --- Madonna)

#1788.  Moore's A Shit Show (More Than You Know --- Eddie Vedder)

#1789.  Asshole Of Obscenity (Centre Of Eternity --- Ozzy Osbourne) 

#1790.  Hutchinson (One By One --- Neil Diamond)

#1791.  Treason Of Jim Justice (Seasons In The Abyss --- Slayer)

#1792.  Hutchinson (Number One --- Laid Back)

#1793.  James Comer (The Loner --- Neil Young)

#1794.  Taylor Greene (Billie Jean --- Michael Jackson)

#1795.  Douglas Burgum (Here Comes The Sun --- The Beatles)

#1796.  Bill Barr (Ya Mar --- Phish)

#1797.  Cotham's Shit-Stained Face (Awesome In This Place --- Tricia Cotham)

#1798.  Katie's Shittin' (Baby Sittin' --- Carole King)

#1799.  Asshole LaPierre (Back Door Love Affair --- ZZ Top)

#1800.  Senator Daines (Breaking The Chains --- Dokken)

#1801.  LaPierre Pride (Delaware Slide --- George Thorogood)

#1802.  Tricia Cotham (Apple Blossom --- White Stripes)

#1803.  Jeff Roe (Death Row --- Chris Stapleton)

#1807.  Trusty's Rage (Rusty Cage --- Soundgarden)

#1808.  Taylor Greene (Shirley Green --- Foghat)

#1809.  Jeff Roe (Hello --- Lionel Richie)

#1810.  Ohio's Moreno (Avenu Malkenu --- Phish)

#1811.  45 Love Affair ('65 Love Affair --- Paul Davis)

#1812.  Warthog (Hound Dog --- Elvis Presley)

#1813.  Kristi Noem (Kodachrome --- Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel)

#1814.  Warthog (Hot Dog --- Led Zeppelin)

#1815.  Jared Kushner Is A Jew (Only Wanna Be With You --- Hootie & The Blowfish)

#1816.  Kristi Noem (Hell Is Chrome --- Wilco)

#1817.  Taylor Greene (Polly Jean --- Toadies)

#1818.  Jeff Roe (Hello --- Electric Light Orchestra)

#1819.  Christie (Misty --- Johnny Mathis)

#1820.  Swing State (I'm Late --- Bill Thompson)

#1821.  SpaceX (Spaceboy --- Smashing Pumpkins)

#1822.  We Are The Trumpers (We Are The World --- USA For Africa)

#1823.  Twitter Fuck (Thunderstruck --- AC/DC) 

#1824.  Kelly Cunt (Belly Love - The Kooks)

#1825.  Mike Lindell (Burn In Hell --- Twisted Sister)

#1826.  George Santos (Small Doses --- Travis Tritt)

#1827.  Trump Is The Enemy (What Do You Want From Me --- Pink Floyd)

#1828.  Sheriff Joe (Mexico --- Neil Young)

#1829.  Sheriff Joe (Mexico --- Merle Haggard)

#1830.  Fucking Tool Tate Reeves (What A Fool Believes --- Doobie Brothers) 

#1831.  Taylor Greene (Creeping Jean --- The Kinks)

#1832.  Noem (Chrome --- Joe Jackson)

#1833.  Fuck Huckabee's Koozies (Wake Up Little Suzie --- Grateful Dead)

#1834.  Sheriff Joe (Mexico --- Cake)

#1835.  Taylor Greene (Amber Jean --- Neil Young)

#1836.  Steven Daines (Astral Planes --- Smashing Pumpkins)

#1837.  Jim (Jim --- Faith No More)

#1838.  Daines (Chains --- The Beatles)

#1839.  Conaway (Day By Day --- The Hooters)

#1840.  Trump's Devout (Steppin' Out --- Joe Jackson)

#1841.  Daines The Enemy (Chains Of Misery --- Iron Maiden)

#1842.  Donald Trump Is Dead (We Are Motorhead --- Motorhead)

#1843.  Spencer Cox (Heart-Shaped Box --- Nirvana)

#1844.  Rejected (Elected --- Alice Cooper)

#1845.  Red Devil (Cold Ethyl --- Alice Cooper)

#1846.  Only Donald Feeds (Only Women Bleed --- Alice Cooper)

#1847.  Bruce (Deuce --- The Cardigans)

#1848.  Scott Is So Shitty (Hot In The City --- Billy Idol)

#1849.  Bruce (Deuce --- Kiss)

#1850.  That Drone Wasn't From Ukraine  (Have You Ever Seen The Rain --- Creedence Clearwater Revival)

#1851.  Who'll Stop Ukraine (Who'll Stop The Rain --- Creedence Clearwater Revival)

#1852.  Selena Chambers (The Entertainer --- Billy Joel)

#1853.  Here Cum Proud Boys (Here Come Cowboys --- Psychadelic Furs)

#1854.  Blame It On Ukraine (Blame It On The Rain --- Milli Vanilli)

#1855.  A Coronation (My Generation --- The Who)

#1856.  Coronation (Celebration --- Kool And The Gang)

#1857.  Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Proud Boys (Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Cowboys --- Willie Nelson)

#1858.  Be Best Plan (Sharp Dressed Man --- ZZ Top)

#1859.  Allen, Texas (Pearl Necklace --- ZZ Top)

#1860.  Coronations (Revelations --- Iron Maiden)

#1861.  AR-15 (The Drunkk Machine --- Thom Yorke)

#1862.  Be Best With Hate (Possessed To Skate --- Suicidal Tendencies)

#1863.  AR-15 (Killing Machine --- L.A. Guns)

#1864.  Russia's In Ukraine (Shadows In The Rain --- The Police)

#1865.  Be Best (Go West --- The Village People) 

#1866. AR-15 (Woman Machine --- Alice Cooper)

#1867.  AR-15 (Fuck You) --- (A New Machine (Part II) --- Pink Floyd)

#1868.  (We Don't Want No) Ronny Jackson (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction --- Rolling Stones)

#1869.  Penny And The Death (Bennie And The Jets --- Elton John)

#1870.  Prolapse Fart (Hungry Heart --- Bruce Springsteen)

#1871.  AR-15 (Age Of Machine --- Greta Van Fleet)

#1872.  McCullough (Calcutta --- Warren Zevon)

#1873.  The Weirdos Have Always Been Proud Boys (My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys --- Willie Nelson)

#1874.  Gay Knipper (Day Tripper --- The Beatles)

#1875.  Greene's Inbred (Jean Is Dead --- The Descendants)

#1876.  Gonna Blame It On Ukraine (Only Happy When It Rains --- Garbage)

#1877.  Tik Tok (Locked In --- Judas Priest)

#1878.  The Diss (The Kiss --- The Cure)

#1879.  Jon Voight Is Shitty (Detroit Rock City --- Kiss)

#1880.  Christie's Gay You Will Discover (Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover --- Paul Simon)

#1881.  Youngkin (Skin Thin --- Ben Harper)

#1882.  Orange Prolapse Stain (Who'll Stop The Rain --- Creedence Clearwater Revival)

#1883.  Unhinged MTG (Unchained Melody --- U2)

#1884.  Be Best (Go West --- Brooks and Dunn)

#1885.  Steven Daines (Lovin' Chains --- Chicago)

#1886.  Jared Kushner's A Fucking Jew (I Hate Myself For Loving You --- Joan Jett & The Blackhearts)

#1887.  Epshtyen, Boris (Wordless Chorus --- My Morning Jacket) 

#1888.  Youngkin's Not A Jew (Thinkin' About You --- Radiohead)

#1889.  Huckabee (Company --- America)

#1890.  Cuccinelli (Smelly Nelly --- Krokus)

#1891.  Greg Gianforte (Let's Go All The Way --- Sly Fox)

#1892.  Gianforte (Election Day --- The Replacements)

#1893.  No Transgender (No Surrender --- Bruce Springsteen)

#1894.  Big Chest (The Best --- Tina Turner)

#1895.  Kristi Noem, Elmer Rhodes (Take Me Home, Country Roads --- Brad Paisley)

#1896.  Rhodes Less Traveled (Roads Untraveled --- Linkin' Park)

#1897.  Gianforte (Election Day --- Arcadia)

#1898.  Putin (Lukin --- Pearl Jam)

#1899.  Higgins A Pervert (Digging In The Dirt --- Peter Gabriel)

#1900.  Paxton's A Clown (Relaxing Town --- Stephen Stills)

#1901.  Beat Up Ken Paxton (Piece Of Your Action --- Motley Crue)

#1902.  Christie (Misty --- Ella Fitzgerald)

#1903.  Chris (Piss --- Pantera)

#1904.  Rubio (Even Flow --- Pearl Jam)

#1905.  Jared's A Jew (Into The Groove --- Madonna)

#1906.  Not A Jew (Stella Blue --- Grateful Dead)

#1907.  Monahan (Middle Man --- Living Colour)

#1908.  Monahan (Superman --- R.E.M.)

#1909.  Here Cums DeWine (Here Comes Sunshine --- Grateful Dead)

#1910.  Putin (Wilson --- Phish)

#1911.  The Insurrection (In Your Direction --- Ratt)

#1912.  Shittin' On Mike Pence (Sittin' On A Fence ---  Rolling Stones)

#1913.  Trump's Insurrection (Love And Affection --- Def Leppard)

#1914.  Indict (First Light --- My Morning Jacket)

#1915.  Indict Bud Light (Tonight's The Night --- Neil Young)

#1916.  Mr. Christie (Mr. Charlie --- Grateful Dead)

#1917.  Paxton (Action --- Scorpions)

#1918.  Monahan (Better Man --- Pearl Jam)

#1919.  Trump's So Indicted (I'm So Excited --- Pointer Sisters)

#1920.  Lake's A Disease (Fake Plastic Trees --- Radiohead)

#1921.  Kushner's A Jew (It Hurts Me Too --- Grateful Dead)

#1922.  Judge Cannon (Loose Cannon --- Killing Joke)

#1923.  Take It Off (Shake It Off --- Taylor Swift)

#1924.  Suarez (Jane Says --- Jane's Addiction)

#1925.  Mister Rowley (Mister Crowley --- Ozzy Osbourne)

#1926.  Trump, Trump Is Gay (Far, Far Away --- King's X)

#1927.  Ronald Bowers (April Showers --- King's X)

#1928.  Trump's A Cunt (Shot Of Love --- King's X)

#1929.  We Don't Need No Huggy Bear (I Don't Need No Rockin' Chair --- George Jones)

#1930.  Huggy Bear Ain't Right (In The Air Tonight --- Phil Collins)

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Please do not share this material with former WVU Basketball Coach Bob Huggins and/or former President Donald J. Trump.