Monday, August 20, 2007

Toby Queef

That's the name of his tour. I heard that slogan about 5 times Saturday night. It was rough one, mentally speaking. On Saturday night, about 26 or 27 thousand people (and I use that term loosely) descended on Starlake for the ultimate redneck extravaganza. This throng, I often use the term "mongrel hoard," consisted of mostly drunken outcasts and rebel flag waving morons.
Anyway, I took the opportunity to do a ton of buying and selling. I made an absolute killing. For the first hour, it was just me and this 55 yr. old woman who had 4 lawn tickets she was trying to dish off. Here's the deal. In typical Starlake fashion, they said the lawn was sold-out. So all that was left were pavilion tix. Lawns were $40. Pavilion were $53 and $78. The older woman was a strong representative of what I like to call "that which is shit." She stood directly in front of the ticket window and spoke in a low-talker voice. I would eventually refer to her as "Frumpy." She would repeatedly accuse me of invading her territory. "I was here first." That's about all she could mutter every time I made a sale as she remained in this stoic trance. After the fourth time of her telling me that she was there first, I finally spoke to her rather than just brushing her off. I explained to Frumpzilla that nobody would want to pay $60 for a lawn ticket (yes, she was asking $60) when they could buy a cheaper pavilion ticket at the window. This confused her for about 10 seconds and then she fired back that the lawn was sold-out and some people wanted to sit on the lawn. I then gently explained that the same thing could be accomplished with a cheaper pavilion ticket. She found this line of reasoning to be truly vexing. So she fired back with the common refrain, "Some people want to sit on the lawn. You're a scalper and I was here first." Then I explained the irony of the situation - that I was selling tickets at cost and she was the one trying to scalp. This infuriated her. Then, she started meddling in my sales - trying to rally a stray drunk redneck fuck, here and there. The only problem was that she was too monotone and couldn't inspire the fans of Toby Cunt. Eventually, I told her to just steer clear of me and then mentioned that if it were any of the other scalpers, she'd have been treated much harsher. Just as I made my peace with her, a skinny tattooed kid and his accomplice were trying to dish off some singles. She started to interfere with them too and the one kid menacingly fired back, "Get outta here Grandma!" I just started laughing and smiling coyly.

The reason I mentioned this incident was because it seemed to be a microcosm for the entire evening. If you're offended by my harsh assessment of Toby Queef and his fans, my sincerest apologies. I actually love buying and selling at country music shows. It's what I like to call the "lay down" shows. Country music fans seem to accept the fact that they'll get ripped off. Having been repeated victims and the generally downtrodden segment of society seems to have nulled their senses. They seem more willing to accept their fate and embrace the simple things in life, hence the term BIG DOG DADDY is very appealing. Their negotiation tactics are virtually non-existent. They have an incredibly narrow view of society. That's why they all love George Bush. You're either with us or against us. That dog don't hunt. Blah. Things are always black and white - no middle ground whatsoever. All they know is - ticket gets them inside. Thus, it makes for a perfect "lay down" ticket selling opportunity. No haggling or bartering.

There are a few more Cunt-Tree shows heading this way. I'm predicting great success at Rascall Flatts and to a lesser extent, Brad Paisley. It has been a while since I "tore it up" at Starlake. I'm sure many of those in attendance also "tore it up." Well, in their own way.