Friday, October 24, 2008


I woke up yesterday, skipped running and got a shower. My water pressure absolutely sucked yesterday. It randomly fluctuates between BAD and FAIR. Not a good omen. So I went to that Sarah Palin rally. I'd never been to Beaver High School. It was about 2 miles off the exit. The directions I got off the McCain website seemed like nonsense so I just cruised up 60N and surmised that it would be near the Beaver exit. The latter option would prove successful. I was armed with my sign.

REALLY 4,000


I had another idea for a good sign yesterday...

Joe the Plumber
supports same-sex marriage

Can you imagine how much that would upset the rank and file right wingers? They'd look at the sign and fire back, "Oh no he doesn't! How do you know? That's not true!"
I got there around 3:45pm and a line had already formed outside the football stadium. I'd say about 500 people or so. There was no Obama presence whatsoever. No opposition, no protesters, nobody who was even remotely opposed to Palin. Ten years ago, I would have relished the opportunity to piss off a few thousand people. But these days, I just don't feel the desire to take the abuse on a solo level. Plus, my prior experience at the McCain rally a couple days ago was hardly encouraging. I decided not to press my luck. As I exited, I saw a young male waving a sign on the main drag. I thought to myself, finally, an Obama supporter. No such luck as I glanced at his sign, "Buy one pizza, get one free."
Oh well, all in all, a mildly disappointing effort but I managed to salvage the rest of the night. Gig had friends over for dinner so I got to meet some big city folk. One couple was from Canonsburg. Talk about a coinicidence - I'm from Canonsburg. And I listened to a live Elton John cd on the way home. Of course, one of these statements is a lie. I'll leave it up to the reader to make that determination.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sewickley aftermath

Well, it didn't go exaclty as I had planned. I made it to Robert Morris College aorund 2:30pm yesterday. The McCain event was scheduled for 3:30pm. As I drove into campus, you immediately encountered the Sewell Center (that's their basketball gymnasium (maximum capacity of 7,000). Lots of campus security and Sewickely cops. A pretty long line had already formed. Occassional gusts of wind were taking a toll on the elderly McCain fanbase. I noticed a lot of "Obama is a Socialist" and "NOBAMA" signs. One kid about 10 years old was holding a "Socialist" sign to the delight of the crowd from the outdoor patio above. I wonder if a 10 year old really has a grasp on different forms of world government. Anyway, the protest crowd was situated directly across the street from the main entrance. I was kind of dispappointed with the Obama turnout. Probably about 15. Since it was a college campus, I was expecting at least 50 or so. I sat around and gabbed with some of the Obama fans and showed them my sign. I explained how it was my goal to incorporate it in the McCain line, for purposes of the evening news.
I walked over to the steps and was immediately asked by the event coordinator woman ( a woman in her mid 40's) if I had a ticket. I said no and started to walk back to the protester area and a female Robert Morris security/parking cop said, "You'll have to stand in this area sir."
I ran into my news "contact" who was shooting footage. They were busy getting interviews from people about to enter the arena. It was going to be a challenge to incorporate my sign into the Pro-McCain crowd. It was suggested that I joint he crowd and walk toward the entrance, so I joined in. About 1 minute later the female cop pulls me aside and said, "Don't you think I was going to recognize you. You'll have to stand over there," pointing toward the Obama people. Obviously, this was not going as I had planned. No news footage and my every move seemed compromised.
One last ditch effort! I walked back to the main entrance (a definite violation at this point) and held my sign up. A black kid across the street started pointing at it and laughed as the camera honed in. I held it up for about 12 seconds. When I was finished, I started to walk back across the street and yeah, you guessed it, here comes the 5'1" female robocop. She lightly grabbed my jacket and said "You'll have to come with me. As she tugged me aside, she asked, "I'll need to see your license sir." For some reason, I went along with her request. To be blunt, I have no idea why I brought my wallet with me, just force of habit I guess. I took it out and she started scribbling down my info in her notepad. Then she radioed in for "back-up." A large somber black man appeared in about 15 seconds. He asked for an assessment of the situation. She looks at him and says, "This gentleman was warned 4 times to comply and he refuses to do so." I calmly respond, "Actually, I only have had 2 encounters with you. I was just holding up a sign. No profanity, nothing even remotely hostile. I just wanted people to see my sign. For all you know, I could be a McCain supporter." The black man looked at me, slightly perplexed and asked why I came all the way here from West Virginia since I didn't go to school here." I repsonded, "Well, I've never had a problem crossing state lines before." To be honest, this could be construed as a lie on a variety of occassions. I've been asked to leave the state of Pennsylvania probably about 5 or 6 times.
So he looked at me and asked where I was parked. I told him down below and he said, "Well, you've been warned. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the campus. If I see you here, you're going to be arrested." I said, "Well, then I guess I'm outta here."
In retrospect, I shouldn't have had my wallet or license on me. What was I thinking? But I thought I handled myself ok. I wasn't interested in starting World War III. I was a little too giddy in the early going. Should have bided my time and not attracted the initial attention. Not too worry. These things have a definite learning curve. I had a great evening nonetheless, but I disgress. Anyway, guess who's coming to the Beaver County football field for a "Victory Rally" tomorrow in the late afternoon. Yup, you guessed it. SARAH is back for another pep rally. I'm making a new sign so I can stand with the Obama people.

4,000 YEARS OLD ?


I think that pretty much sums it up. We'll see how this one goes.


Alright, I'm heading into enemy territory again. John McCain is having a "victory rally" at the Sewell Center at Robert Morris College in Sewickely. This shit goes down Tuesday night (3:30pm>). He'll probably come on around 6pm. Anyway, I'm heaidng up with the Dinosaur sign. Since Pittsburgh has previously exhibited a lot of hostility towards Palin, it's easy to predict more tension, especially on a campus, even though Robert Morris is kind of on the expensive side. I figure there'll be an Obama presence (maybe around 50-60 people) and a retaliatory McCain presence. They'll probably have McCain/Palin signs so I'll inauspiciously try to blend in with them. I'm currently under consultation with Amanda to learn how to upload photos. This will enhance the blog experience (if you happen to read this bullshit).
Anyhoo, I figure I can make the news since the sign is so idiotic. Here are the anticipated questions and my responses...

Question: Why are you here? Why did you bring this sign?
Answer: I was gonna bring my McCain/Palin sign but I wanted to say something that meant something. Yeah... and ya know... and since Sarah Palin is a creationist. I wanted people to know that that's important and she's on our side.

Anticipated follow-up question: But what does any of that have to do with dinosaurs? What does this sign mean?
Answer: Well it's important to have people in the White House who read their bible and Obama doesn't do any of that.

Continued potential follow-up: Do you know that you misspelled "Dinosaurs?"
Answer: Oh yeah... somebody told me that. Ya know, this isn't some kind of third grade spelling bee. This is for the president of the United States and we've got to make sure that people make the right choice. And I'm just afraid of what Obama would do if he gets it.

One more possible follow up: So why do you fear Obama? Why are you scared if he becomes our next president?
Answer: Look, I'm not saying Obama is a terrorist, because he's not. Everyone knows that. But hey, he hangs out with terrorists and you just can't have that in the White House.

So hopefully, I can get my message out. I'm going with the standard politcal garb. Black low-end dress shoes, khakis and a knock-off polo shirt. No ballcap on Tuesday night, bitches. There should be a major news presence. Now I'll bring the extra Sarah Palin signs and try to disguise the sign for inside, but I'd be amazed if that panned out. Of course, if I made it in with the sign, I'd go all out. "Errr uhhhh excuse me sir, ooh, uh just passing through, I'm sorry, didn't mean to step on your toes, uhhh, ooooh just sliding through, hot soup." Dream the impossible - all of a sudden, McCain is stammering about his health care tax credit and Ka-POW


And fuck everyone, I'd hold my ground. I'd be yelling, "Don't tase me bro!"

For purposes of any potential interview, my name will be Donnie Cork and I'm from Canonsburg, PA.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Nail City

Well, last night I revisited one of the absolute worst restaurants in Wheeling. I'm not even sure what this place is called. Some call it Nail City. Some call it Nail Shitty. Others refer to it as River City. And some even invoke the name River Shitty. For purposes of this blog, I will call it Nail City. It was about 2 years since I last stepped foot in Nail City. The cuisine lies somewhere between the spectrum of disgusting grub and atrocious gruel. I met up with my friend Eric, his girlfriend Kerri and a motley crew of 7 others. Manboy lovechild would make a late appearance and sit at the head of the table, reminiscent of Borat when he was king of the castle. His claim that he wanted to avoid looking directly at the dumpster was a bit mendacious. I suspect he wanted to scan the periphery for any female presence. A wise choice but perhaps somewhat misguided. Do you really want to hook up with anyone who voluntarily choose to dine at Nail City?
Anyway, I neglected to bring either of them a tangible birthday gift, so I opted to impart the gift of knowledge. I composed a brief list of "why it's a bad idea to eat at Nail City." I read it aloud before the meal arrived.

1) The food sucks.
2) The owner (assuming it's still the same guy) is an asshole.
3) It's opening night for the minor league Wheeling Naile hockey team. Thus, it's the equivalent of pedophile night. These hockey players are worshipped by borderline pre-pubescent girls. I have a strong hunch that many a Nailer has taken advantage of this misguided idolatry.
4) They have a mechanical bull. To be blunt, this would be much better suited for a gay bar. "Ride it! You go, girlfriend!"
5) Fake Wheeling thugs which often frequent the place are a total source of embarrasment. For Christ sake, it's Wheeling, not Compton. And you don't look like a threatening menace. You look like a dumbfuck.
6) The place is always too loud, but more importantly, the place is too dumb. Thus, it makes you feel dumb.
7) I once ordered a gin & tonic and the bartender gave me a gin & pepsi. Truly disgusting. It took us a a while to figure out what it was.

I could continue, but you get the gist. Anyhoo, I hadn't planned on eating but decided what the hell. Plus, I was hungry. Scanning the menu for something safe and edible would be a challenge, but I was game. I decided on an order of mozzerella sticks and a side Caeser salad. I mean, how can you fuck that up? But then I thought, well, that's pretty much the cost of a meal - so why not just go for it. I hesitantly chose the following. Cajum shrimp skewers on a bed of rice pilaf with waxed beans and a side Caesar salad. I also ordred a Miller Lite and a Dewars on the rocks. Let me first say, that my expectations were incredibly low . Therefore, if I actually got served and was able to consume food, it would have been a definite plus. And let me make another thing clear, I would NEVER verbally complain to the waitress about the service or the food. I made a conscious decision to eat at this fucked up place. No one held a gun to my head. I questioned Eric as to why they would choose to celebrate their birthday at Nail City. His response, "You get half off and they give you some free brownie dessert concoction." Alright, I guess that makes sense. It kind of reminded me of the days where he would whip out this enormous Eagle 107.5 coupon book. It was like the holy bible of ill-fated bargains. You had to get your tires balanced while getting a haircut. Or you had to get a colonoscopy while they give you a manicure. Just some really odd deals in general.
I'm not quite sure what everyone ordered, but they messed up 4 out of the 9 orders. As I previously stated, I'd never complain. It's not as though it's going to help anyone. The place will continue to steadily suck regardless of any outside input or advice (kind of like the Bush administration).
Here's what was worng with my meal. The Miller Lite was luke cold. The scotch was fine, but it wasn't Dewars. I think it was that Drambuie stuff. But at least it was scotch. I ordered shrimp skewers, but there was only one skewer with 4 shrimp. The shrimp were ok. Nothing spectacular - lightly grilled and immersed in cajun seasoning. The rice pilaf, although plentiful, was unusually bland. But then again, it was indeed rice. So they got that right. They didn't even bring me the side of wax beans, but that was ok. I knew they'd probably omit something. The Caesar side salad was actually edible and they did bring the dressing on the side. The bowl it came in was kind of warm. Mmmm, right out of the dishwasher. Nice! I should have requested the dressing on the side even though it came that way. You've got figure, this is the kind of place where the chef, errr uhhh, I mean cook, thinks he's doing you a favor if he uses an entire bottle of salad dressing. "Mmmmm, the dressing makes it taste better, ya moe-ron. What are you, stupid? That's where the flavor is!"
My bill came to $25 and change and I left $32. Manboy lovechild was even kind enough to break a $20 for me. Why not just use a credit card? Are you fucking kidding me? At this place? They'd probably take my Visa, walk over to the adult bookstore and use it buy porn. Not even the good stuff. Probably midget anal.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dick Morris

Well, I just back from a Dick Morris symposium at West Liberty. He had a book signing as well. I decided to get him to sign my DINOSUAR poster from the failed Sarah Palin rally. At first, he looked at it and seemed a little bewildered. Then I explained my angle and he said, "Whhoooaaaa, I get it. You know, Sarah Palin is a personal friend of mine, but I really like your sign." He signed it...

...and extinct. But not in politics. - Dick Morris

I'm going to frame it and hang it up along with some handouts from the Palin rally and maybe a copy of my poem. Make the whole thing into a collage of sorts.
Morris spoke for a straight hour. He talked mainly about his experiences in the early years of the Clinton administration and his admiration for Obama, as well as his skepticism. He thinks McCain should have opposed the bailout - might have helped him swing the electorate his way. He thinks Obama will win it and is very concerned about the devastating affects of universal health coverage for illegal aliens and he's worried Obama will raise taxes across the board, not just on family households taking in 250,000 or more a year. Nonetheless, he thought it would be great for the world, if the U.S. were to elect a black president. He said it would be a great day in the history of the United States. Then, regrettably, he'll take office. He did make a humorous comment about how if Obama had chosen Hillary to be his running mate, he should take out an extensive life insurance policy. All in all, great lecture. Very informative.

Monday, October 13, 2008

radio show appearance

Well, I just got done with my appearance on Steve Novotney's AM 1600 radio show. It lasted about 45 minutes. I was a little nervous at first and then everything eased up and it became a bit more converstaional. We touched on a variety of topics - the dinosaur attack strategy at the Palin pep rally, my contempt for the religious right, the failures of the Bush administration, why I dislike McCain/Palin and of course the anti-Palin poem. I must admit, I'm not accustomed to spontaneously airing my opinions and justifying them in a studio-like setting. Fortunately, no hardball questions arose and I thought I was a little self-deprecating. So I don't think I came across as pompous - maybe a little bit nutty. But hey, read the Safertsein FAQ; I've always been a little nutty. Certainly by Ohio County standards; Hell, if you go by community standards, I'm a fucking raving lunatic of sorts.
The only caller was LeBiz who basically cheered me on (kind of ironic - for one brief moment I know what Sarah Palin must have felt like as the throng cheered her on). I thought Heather's call-in speech was strong. It helped reassure me a little - thank you LeBiz. The only odd moment for me came as the show ended. Steve asked me for the specifics of what CHANGE would entail in an Obama administration. I rambled indecisively about the war and the economy. Reflecting back on this, I could have done better and/or spoken with more clarity. But all in all, I thought I did alright. If you heard it, feel free to comment. Especially if you thought I sucked - but just make sure to explain why I sucked. Hence, I'll understand the nature of my sucking. Sucked.

Palin in Flushing

Well, as expected, Sarah Palin ventured into East Ohio yesterday for a "victory rally" near St. Clairsville (Flushing to be precise). As many of you know, my plan was to sabotage the event. So I came up with an unusual idea. I constructed a large sign that said...


Just for the record, Dinosaurs was intentionally misspelled. I even thought about adding an apostrophe or two w/ the word "DINOSUARS" and/or "YEARS" but thought that might be a bit excessive. Anyway, the sign itself was bad ass. Flourescent poster board w/ black vinyl lettering. It really looked strong. My gameplan was to bring it into the event so when the cameras panned the crowd, it would have a bold presence. I even snagged a bunch of Ohio Valley welcomes SARAH signs just to cover it up. Turns out none of this would be warranted. The Palin people decided that NO SIGNS would be permitted in the rally. What a fucking bummer! Very deflating. Of course, when you entered, they would end up giving you a sign that reads "COUNTRY FIRST" along with some red, white and blue pom poms. But that's another story. So much for freedom of speech - as long as it's homogenous, uniform speech, I guess it's acceptable.
Why did I want to do this? I've discovered that if you make a mockery of someone, it tends to be an excellent way to discredit them. I figured that if an undecided voter were to see one of those whackjob, religious freakazoid signs at the rally it would make them think twice about casting a vote for McCain/Palin. My theory - "Jesus Christ, do I really want to align myself with the weirdos who support this women?" Usually people don't want to vote for someone who has been successfully mocked and ridiculed because it makes you feel as though you're the one being humiliated. So that was the basic premise. The Democrats have never been good at slinging mud. Harsh Republican tactics devastated Dukakis (remember him riding in the tank, ouch) and Kerry (flip-flopping while wind surfing, ugly). The Dems need more people like myself who are willing to embrace the sleazeball movement. Obama is much more proactive than the two aforementioned candidates but still doesn't like to throw mud. Probably a wise strategy. It really doesn't suit his "above the fray" personality.
I'll admit, when I heard that no signs would be permitted, I was mildly devastated. Obviously someone must have held up a pro-choice sign at a Palin rally recently and the entire campaign went into lockdown mode. I can't place too much blame on the Sarah Palin campaign. It's to be expected. The last thing you need is some outside curveballs being hurled at this poorly run campaign with less than 4 weeks to go.
So here's more of the play by play. I had planned to attend the event with some of my "assistants," but all 5 of them bailed for a variety of reasons. No big deal. I really didn't need the emotional support and it was a long night for some of them. A mutual friend got married the night before. She used to be a friend of mine but I never really expected an invite to her wedding. 10 years ago I made many derogatory statments directed toward her Chow dog thing. She didn't like it when I ridiculed the dog's behavior. In rerospect, that dog "Caleb" was on the extreme low end in the "dog-milieu." So I zipped up solo. As I said, no big deal.
Got there around 2pm. The rally was scheduled to start at 3pm and Sarah would eventually take to the stage at 5:30pm. I hung out with some Obama protesters at the interesection near the interstate for about 20 minutes. Just some union guys in their 50's. About 4 of them. Not exactly a large opposition presence. Basically, people would drive by and yell "Communist" or "Obama sucks" and they'd yell back "Screw you." Not really the direction I wanted to veer toward. During this time, I met these two guys who were shooting a documentary about the campaign. Pretty interesting. They wanted me to read my Sarah Palin poem for the camera, so I obliged them. Incidentally, I wrote a derogatory poem about Sarah Palin and printed out 500 copies. I was going to hand them as people exited Brush Run Park. Just an attempt to piss people off as they were riding a "Sarah Palin delirious high." I know, I know - this makes me a complete asshole. SO BE IT. What else is new?
Anyway, I just basically walked around and observed the crowd for a while. Very homogenous, synthetic, contrived... I'd say about 3,800 people showed up the event. Maybe as much as 4,500. As far as minorities go, I counted 2 black men, 1 black woman and 1 Asian woman with her kids. Honestly, that was it. Then again, this is Flushing, Ohio (not Flushing, NY), so I wasn't exactly expecting the Black Panthers or the ACLU supports the Afro-American Negro College fund people. Anyway, Jepsonite called me while I was there and I encouraged him to stop by since he lives only 5 minutes away. So we entered the facility about 4pm. It was pretty hot out for early October and I think the rally went on for way too long. A little over three hours in its entirety. Most everyone was in good spirits, but you could sense a little exhaustion and fatigue. An attractive female country musician rallied the crowd, "I love all those signs. I wish I could read all of them!" Kind of an unusual comment since all the signs were IDENTICAL as I alluded to earlier (COUNTRY FIRST). In reflection, I should have snagged one for Jay Country of the message board. That would make a cool avatar.
I must admit, the logistics of the rally were exceptional. Very smooth and orderly. The crowd was VERY enthusiastic. The setting was serene and the delivery was top-notch. As the McCain bus rolled in, the crowd went bonkers. There was this delirious unified passion that was evident amongst the crowd. Screams of We Love you Sarah - U.S.A. - Drill Bay Drill seemed to be the norm. Very little extemperaneous speaking. She did remark on the smell of fresh cut hay. And at one point the crowd spontaneously roared "Mine Baby Mine" - an odd reference to the abundance of coal in the region. But she basically stayed on message. "There's only one man who has ever really fought for you." "Can we really trust him." "He's going to raise your taxes and increase the size of government." etc. All the standard Republican fodder and regurgitated soundbytes.
I should mention that we left the rally while she was still speaking so missed about 3/5 of it. My buddy didn't want to get stuck in traffic. And I wanted to be ready to distribute my poem at the conclusion of the rally. I handed out my poem to cars exiting the park. The vast majority of people thanked me which is kind of amusing. They probably thought I was handing out "Buy one get one free" dinner coupons at Hoss's. Two people started to read the poem and threw it out their window. I purposely wrote "Do Not Litter" on the poem, but that failed to sissuade them. I immediately retrieved them. Another woman got out of her car, handed me back the poem and called me a coward. I asked her why I was a coward, and she fired back. "That's just what you are, a coward." I tried to reason with her. Here I am on total enemy turf and she's calling ME a coward. I tried to explain that she should have called me an asshole or dickead, far more appropriate than coward, but she walked back to her vehicle in a huff. That was pretty much my only accomplishment of the day - pissing people off. Oh well, hardly the first time I've ever pissed anyone off. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist about my overwhelming desire to anger the churchies. By the way, the poem itself wasn't very good. The rhymes were not that clever and there was even a slight error which I failed to correct as I hurriedly printed them out. Hardly my best work.
What really upset me was the lack of national press coverage. No Fox, no MSNBC, no CNN. Just their local affiliates and a European satellite operation of some kind. That was it. You'd think they'd have the big boys there. What if she made a serious gaffe or something unusual transpired (like some moron with a dinosaur sign showed up)? I also had a sign that said..

Kill Baby Kill

Oh well, back to drawing board. I'm going on a local radio talk show today in a couple hours to discuss recent events. We'll see how it goes...