Saturday, September 26, 2009

rare church dinner

On Tuesday, September 22 I was given 2 tickets for a church dinner at the United Methodist Church in Elm Grove. A total retail value of $16.00. Far be it from me to dismiss a free dinner. I'd be willing to dine with some of the most despised figures in history (Hitler, Stalin, Obama, etc.) provided they feed me. So Friday was the big day. Justin, Danno and I had just finished golfing at Wheeling Puke. Before heading to the Alpha, I deemed it necessary to cash in these tickets. Elm Grove was a traffic nightmare. Translated into Wheeling terms that means there was a line of over 50 cars on National Road which would take an 5 extra minutes. We parked and headed in.
I had never been to this particular church and you could tell there was a definable, palpable sense of excitement in the air. We calmly entered the recreational center of this house of God. There were a few people congregated by the door and for one brief second, my scalping instincts almost kicked in. Hell, I could have gotten 2 for $15. Fortunately, I reconsidered. It would have been in incredibly poor taste - trying to dish off 2 comp dinner tix w/ the negligible dollar off.
I couldn't help but notice - this crowd was kind of like an Ohio County Mehlman's Cafeteria. Very old. A virtual zephyr of cascading white hair. I'd say about 120 men and women were there, all over the age of 70. I spotted about 3 children. Of course, we got there early (about 5:10pm), well before the probable dinner rush, well before they got the party started up in the church n'at. We quickly zipped to a back room and were warmly greeted. Asked to make our selections, Justin opted for dark meat and Dutch apple pie. I went for the more conventional white meat and chocolate cake. Armed with a Riesbeck's bag of multiple styrofoam containers, we bolted for the door. I dropped him off and zipped to the Alpha. I would later eat my dinner around 8pm.
Here are my observations. I applaud the organizational and efficiency efforts of the Methodists. We were in and out in easily less than 3 minutes. Their preparation was stellar. I thought it might be one of those scenarios where we had to wait in a long buffet line, where elderly people made mindless chit chat about the weather and if there were any low sodium selections. Not the case.
All the food tasted great, but had an overwhelming mushlike consistency. Of course, I would expect that mashed potatoes have a creamy origin, but the chicken breast also had this overcooked, melt-in-your-mouth vibe. The green beans - same thing. They kind of disintegrated and became one with the soaked oil/margarine conglomerate. The coleslaw, aka mushslaw, was presented in an ill-sized container. The miniaturized roll was quite good. My chocolate cake came with a tiny container of some kind of pomegranate puree adornment. More likely it was raspberry jello topping.
So here's my final review of church dinner...
The food was just way too mushy. There's probably a direct correlation between mushiness and lack of teeth.
The energy level in the place was slightly below mediocre.
The service and cooperation were outstanding. I'll refer to this as the overall quality of the production.
Fortunately, nobody tried to convert me. This event was not prepared for a good old fashioned food fight. Could you imagine the headline in the Wheeling today?


At 5:03pm Friday, Wheeling police responded to a food fight at 125 Kruger Street. Local police used pepper spray to contain an irate Eric Saferstein. Apparently, his combative nature was the direct result of an earlier argument. A United Methodist Church representative claimed he was hurling accusations at the dinner crowd. "A pox on your house of worship. A pox on your godless gruel! It's all mushified damnit! Jesus Christ died for this chicken dinner!"
The Wheeling Police Chief later commented, "We had to take the biatch down, G20 style."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


The recent video of the phony pimp and hooker who enter an Acorn office and received tacit approval to defraud the IRS has left me speechless. Since I cannot use the spoken word, I'll try to put my thoughts on computer screen. This has to be one of the most ludicrous things I've ever seen. A thin, pale honky kid comes into the office dressed as an actual pimp. He's got a sequined robe and a cane for gods sake. And he looks like he's in his mid 20's. But wait, he's actually some kind of Michael Moore Republican filmmaker activist. The "hooker" has her ass hanging out in these spandex shorts. And I love the plastic mammoth loop earrings. They neglect to show her face but I'm sure she had a sufficient coating of rouge.
The pimp proudly explains to the Acorn rep (a black woman in her 40's) that he has a dozen Central American girls on his payroll. I like the illegal immigrant insinuation - nice touch. Then he proudly extols, "Some of them are underage!" Then, like most pimps, he wants to acquire a better understanding of his tax obligations to the IRS. The seemingly amused woman informs him that he "probably shouldn't make an issue of it and it might be wise to avoid reporting all this extra income on his tax returns."

Here is pure, verifiable truth that Acorn is a corrupt organization and they are actively engaged in trying to rip off the US government. Apparently, this is their "gotcha" moment and they're going to use it to dismantle Acorn. Acorn supports underage prostitution rings! Those bastards! Our hard earned tax dollars are being used to support teen prostitution. Beck, Hannity and O'Reilly are going to have a field day with this one! Limbaugh will probably have to go back on oxycontin.

The incident is eerily reminiscent of the deranged artist who submerged a cross in a jar of urine. I think it happened in the early 90's. Basically, you take one moron and use him/her as a poster child to damn an entire organization or political movement. In one fell swoop, this idiot managed to accidentally galvanize all of the churchies in America. Basically, this guy metaphorically urinated on every flag waving, social conservative Republican. After all, the National Endowment for the Arts was supported with taxpayer dollars, so in effect, the government was funding and advocating this disgusting, immoral artwork. I think it was the infamous Senator Jesse Helms who led the charge. The same man who claimed that it's impossible for a female rape victim to get pregnant because "the juices just aren't flowing."

What's both sad and amusing is that the whole Acorn incident was a set-up. The Acorn worker recognizes the degree of absurdity and seems to be playing along. The notion that Fox News would use this fugazi nonsense is borderline insane. The producers at Fox obviously believe this story has a degree of credibility. But it's more likely they think the majority of their viewers will find the story newsworthy. This speaks volumes about how they perceive their viewership and their collective abilities to dissect and ingest the daily news. At least the outcry over the urine crucifix was grounded in reality.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Cathy Mitchell

Who is Cathy Mitchell and why do I find her offensive? These are two questions which have plagued my mind for the past month or so. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, Cathy Mitchell is a grandmotherly woman who hosts a 30 minute infomercial for a product called "The Express Redi Set Go" indoor grill. It's basically a cheaper version of the George Foreman Grill with a timer and an emphasis on baking.
Saf, what could possibly be wrong with that? Some of us enjoy grilling and baking. Alright, since you asked... here we go.
Cathy and her partner (an overly cooperative, handsome older gentleman) take you on quite an adventure. They seem to be having the time of their lives in this half hour infomercial. The writers seemed to have taken a page from "Saved by the Bell" - the atrocious early 90's sitcom. Everything they do is just simply outlandlish. This cooking unit... it just brings families together. Everyone can get involved. It's just so easy. And of course the kids will love it. Most important, it's just too much fun. F-U-N fun!
Let me get a little specific. First, Cathy Mitchell's hairdo is some kind of teased up birds nest without the curling irons. Although she does not wear a house dress, her bodily shape literally cries out and begs to be adorned with one. I imagine it would read "Grandma's my name and spoiling's my game." What really angers me is the way she conducts herself. She has this crazy knack for inventing cutesy names for normally mundane food items.
For example, she'll put a frozen tater tot in one of the food wells and surround it with egg yolk and call the finished product an "Eggster." What the fuck is an eggster? I've never heard of this terminology. I can already envision a legion of preschoolers asking mommy to fix them eggsters. The thought of this makes me unhappy, but wait... there's more. How about a "Cini Mini?" A Cini Mini (And trust me, I'm filled with rage as I type the word Cini Mini) is simply a Cinnamon Biscuit but vastly more entertaining. You see it's just a third of a normal sized biscuit; thus, it has attained the status of mini. And wait, there's something even better on the jackass menu - a COOKIEZZA. Yep, it's pronounced Koo kee tsa. This is a combination of a cookie and a pizza. But in reality, it's just a large cookie. Never having been a big fan of dessert, I desperately want to take this disc shaped freshly baked cookie and smash her in the face with it. Nope, not a Laurel and Hardy pie in the face routine. This cookiezza would pack more of a punch due to the mitigating factor of no filling. As the blood pours from her broken nose, I would calmly celebrate.
Okay, there's more. She claims this grilling contraption is perfect for appetizers so she makes 5 crab stuffed mushrooms. Wow, there's a total of 5 miniature grilling compartments for the big party. Who the fuck is coming to this soiree? A delegation of Sudanese? Cathy Mitchell is so excited when she plates the crab stuffed mushrooms which incidentally look pretty disgusting. I have no doubt that Cathy (the fucking info-grandma) is a major proponent of imitation crab meat. I can see her whipping out her mammoth coupon collection kit searching for that 10 cents off discount on artificially flavor infused pollock.
It gets better. As if cookiezza wasn't enough, she gets all giddy when it's time for other desserts. She pours a dollop of chocolate batter mixture into one of the food wells. Then, she retrieves one of these "mystery" chocolates from a box of Russell Stovers. This is where the fun really starts. She has no idea what filling lies inside the mystery chocolate. I can't wait to bite into it and find that I was the recipient of the crappy strawberry marshmallow goo. Then she puts coconut macaroons in the other one. As my blood pressure begins to elevate and I start shaking violently, Cathy hears the Ding noise from another Redi Set Go Grill unit.
"Ohhhh, my pineapple upside down cake is finished. Oooooh." Other than the Darfurian immigrants, this cake could possibly feed a malnourished Haitian toddler as well.
There's more. Cathy likes to use the words "smoky links" and "little doggies" when referencing sausage. Surely this makes us all everyone cringe. I can't be alone on this one. She surrounds each of these "hound dogs" with pancake batter. When they're finished she offers a vat of syrup. Mmmmm - it's the preferred dipping sauce for morbidly obese Southern Baptists!

Just 2 easy payments of $19.99, plus s/h of $16.00. Thus bringing the grand total to $56 and change. Hey there, Cathy Mitchell, you yeast infected elderly fuck. I've got an innovative idea for you and your Express Redi Set Go . How about a skillet with a lid on it?