Wednesday, May 16, 2007


There was a lengthy article in yesterdays Wheeling Unintelligencer about this woman who's opening a bed and breakfast in North Wheeling. Cool. Apparently, she had to go through some rigorous process to get the proper zoning ordinance. Way to go. F'in A.
Who the fuck opens a B&B in North Wheeling? First off, it's in that giant house right next to I 70 on Market Street. Aren't these places supposed to be all about peace and tranquility? Why would you open one up that's basically right on top of the 3rd busiest interstate in the country? I think 95 and 10 are first and second - just speculating. Can you imagine trying to sleep and while some 18 wheeler is barrelling through? Only in Wheeling.
Now, how about that lovely setting, huh? Yeah, it's serene. Whether it's some homeless dude sleeping on a bench or perhaps the cunting whore involved in a domestic squabble, this just ain't right. And why is it that every male (in the 16-30 age bracket) is shirtless in North Wheeling? They wander to that Convenient with their shorts around their ankles and use the only pay phone in all of Wheeling to make crucial drug purchases. And I'm not talking weed. More like some kind of black tar heroin shit.
And how about the mattresses? I have no proof but I'm pretty sure she uses the pee stanied ones from the St. Vincent's (which incidentally is now called the Shabby Sheek Boutique). I've said it many times - You can take the tomato sauce out of a t-shirt, but you can't take the urine out of a mattress.
If you saw the picture of this enterprising businesswoman, it would become much clearer. She truly puts the HO in HOMELY. Maybe she could offer breakfast in the form of Sonny Boy takeout. Maybe jack up the price by a dollar. So instead of the standard $1.99 breakfast, it costs $2.99. I wonder how much she'll actually charge visitors. I'm always a big supporter of entrepenurial endeavors, but c'mon, WHAT THE FUCK!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


No, not marijuana. I'm talking about Mrs. Grass soup mix. I made a major blunder about 10 days ago. I was looking for a good powdered chicken soup mix and settled for Mrs. Weiss. If I had just taken a moment and possibly gotten some outside input, this wouldn't have been such a fiasco. I find it a little strange that there are 2 major competitors in the powdered soup mix niche both of whom sound very similar. Just as long as Grandma Reisbeck doesn't enter the fray, we should be alright.
Mrs. Grass, aside from having a very hip, retro 1970's name, is far superior. The soup tastes more flavorful. Why you ask? Why do you give a fuck? Does anyone really care. Probably not. It's because of the golden nugget flavor medallion. Although Mrs. Grass has plenty of powdered chicken sodium, they throw in this tiny bullion cube which melts away into flavor country as the water boils. This appears to be the major difference between these two corporate soup dispensers. The salted medallion is actually shaped like a diamond. This really enhances the whole dining experience. As you occassionaly stir the soup, you get this added bonus entertainment. Look, there's the gold nugget. Look it's slowly disintegrating. It's almost gone. It has dissipated beyond my visual acuity skills. What happened? It has become one with the soup.
I alluded to the hip, retro 1970's moniker. With the recent popularity of "That 70's Show", I think Mrs. Grass could really become a big hit in the entire powdered chicken soup milieu. If they play there cards right, they could increase their market share from 43% to 45%. I think this would make all of us take a moment, stand back and truly reflect.