Saturday, January 29, 2011

Egypt crisis

I'm a little surprised that Sarah Palin hasn't tweeted or weighed in. She usually tries to counter anything Obama says...

"King Tut was a great man! We stand united with our Egyptian brothers and sisters."

"I'm calling on Cleopatra to show restraint for all her citizenry."

"Freedom is sooo wonderful. I (heart symbol) Egypt and all those pyramids!!!"

"I'm not in denial. I love the Nile!"

It helps if you say it with that authentic whiny Palinesque twang.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nutting ticket increase

The Nutting conglomerate recently decided to charge an extra 3 bucks for tickets purchased on game days. I skimmed a few articles concerning this matter. Most of the comments and reactions trended negative. No big surprise there. Honestly though, they can charge whatever they want. I'm sure they did some weak marketing research before implementing this new course of action.

As usual, my perspective is unique. During the 5 year stretch of limo nonsense, I went to a total of 36 Pirate games (I counted the ticket stubs). My boss and his girlfriend had Lexus club seats behind home plate - these seats were usually about $115 per ticket. So I'm figuring when it was all said and done (my salary, gas, vodka, the inevitable towing fees for the nonsensical vehicle of humiliation), they probably spent about $500 every time they went to see their beloved Pirates. Even more peculiar, they'd always leave by the 7th inning stretch. But this was always cool with me. If you truly need the "final score resolution" in a regular season Pirates game, you've got issues.

But here's my point... I went to 36 games. Guess how much I spent on all 36 tickets? The answer... yep, you guessed correct - ZILCH! I vaguely recall ONE occasion it took over 20 minutes and I almost forked out 5 bucks, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I either ended up getting a freebie or hung out with the other drivers in the fire lane. I honestly do not recall.

It basically became this weird game where I would try to acquire a ticket without even speaking. This worked about half the time. I would just stand there in between the home plate entrance and the box office with this "lost puppy dog" look. I never wore the suit & tie limo outfit. Usually it was just the typical jeans and a t-shirt. Every once in a while, I'd hold up my index finger denoting my desire for a ticket. Anyway, usually within 5-10 minutes someone would just ask me point blank, "Hey, do you need a ticket?" I would gratefully reply, "Ohhh yes, thank you so much. How did you know I needed one?" They'd fire back, "I don't know. You just seemed like you didn't have one."

Other times, I would get a little frustrated and ask people for tickets. Schools and church groups were the best targets because you'd see an individual handing out a massive stack of comp tickets. I might take a little heat for this but any group consisting of special needs individuals always had plenty of tickets too. Hell, they were going to eat them anyway. Why not ask?

So my point is this. Out of 80 excruciating home games, there are maybe a total of 5 to 7 which are difficult to obtain free entry. All the others are a complete laydown. If you pay big money for these tickets, it's safe to say you're some kind of "egalitarian schmuck." If you have the audacity to complain about the high cost of tickets, you need to rethink your general strategy to experiencing entertainment during a prolonged recession.

One of the coolest things about PNC Park is the experience, not whether they win or lose. Who the fuck honestly cares if this team breaks the .500 mark? Bob Nutting needs to take a lesson from famed pro wrestling icon Vince McMahon. In the early 90's, Vince realized the WWF needed to transition. He decided to correctly refer to his company as a provider of entertainment and downplay the "sports" angle. Truth be told, we all know it's staged. Duhhh? Instead, focus on the athleticism, production and bombastic story lines. Nutting should embrace this same marketing lesson. He should boldly go where no one has gone before. After all, he does kind of resemble a sensible Vulcan, or to a lesser extent, a prudent Romulan.

Nutting should be the first to "come out of the closet" in the world of small market sorts franchises. "Hey Pittsburgh fans, grow the fuck up! We're never going to field a winning team. We will never go to the World Series. I refuse to waste my money in this fashion. As far as I'm concerned, it's a bottomless pit and doesn't adhere to my traditional business models. This is my team and I'll run it as I see fit." But hold on, there's more... "Sure we're going to lose, but we've got a tremendous facility! Great views from anywhere in the ballpark. Strong promotional nights... fireworks, concerts, giveaways, etc. Even though the venue is only 30-50% full, this is a GOOD thing. You can walk around and take in some different vantage points. What other ballpark affords that possibility? Embrace the river walk or that all-you-can-eat promotion (disgusting). Watch the potato-shaped mascot/humans run for their lives! We will finish in last place, BUT WE DON"T GIVE A DAMN!" We'll be the most gracious losers ever! Try and top that one!

Nutting should take it in this direction. It helps deflect from the endless talk of another losing season and being regarded as the habitual laughingstock of the league. Admit your transgressions and embrace your shortcomings. It's 2010 and beyond. This ain't the 1950's anymore. Focus ALL your energy on providing a good time to your patrons. I've got news for you. It's just baseball. Nobody really gives a fuck anyway.

And hey, you could use the lyrics I created specifically for the 7th inning stretch.

Take me out to the Pirates
Where the hell is the crowd?
Why doesn't Bob Nutting give a damn?
He won't spend money to fill up the stands
So we'll root root root for the Steelers
Cuz football's not far away
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out
At the old ballgame.

This would play really well. The commoners would love poking fun at a billionaire and it helps to know that the owner has a self-deprecating sense of humor. It would bring a much desired sense of unity to the entire organization. Take my advice Bob. Usher in that new era. Take Obama's advice from the State of the Union last night - THINK BIG! THIS IS YOUR SPUTNIK MOMENT!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Steelers fans

Nothing annoys me more than a specific segment of Heinz Field today. I'd estimate the number of "fans" at about 2,500. Let me describe these people in detail.

They haven't been to a pre-season or regular season game all year.

They spend exorbitant sums of money on tickets. Usually at least $300 per ticket purchased online, probably more.

They couldn't name a single offensive or defensive lineman. Their heroes are always the same - Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. They forget about Heath Miller until he makes a catch - then they croon "Heeeaaattthhh" or yell around to everybody in earshot, "It's Miller Time!"

They purchase absurd amounts of overpriced Steelers gear at the game. And they usually buy tons of official merchandise for their kids. They don't own a Terrible Towel, but they'll quickly purchase one for $10.00, even though they always cost $5.00.

They usually hang out at Jerome Bettis Grill before the game and complain about the service. They know it's going to be packed, but it's essential that they be there to watch the Bears/Packers game. In their mind, it's simply the place to be.

They have no idea where to park. They usually try to park in one of the reserved gold lots and argue with the cop who's trying to direct traffic.

At some point while walking to the stadium, they will attempt to intercept a football being thrown by some random kids in one of the lots. But they'll drop it.

They'll immediately find the Primanti Brothers in the great hall. They'll get a cheesesteak and an Iron City beer. Then, they'll complain that it's not as good as the one in the Strip. Also, having never attended a sporting event, they'll complain about the high cost of draft beer.

They'll immediately try to befriend everyone in the seats around them. Usually, they will discuss the cold weather or how they are #1 Steelers fans.

They see a scalper with a sign that says "BUYING/SELLING TICKETS" and they'll ask him, "Well, which is it? Are you buying or are you selling?" And they often waste a scalper's time asking pointless questions even though they have absolutely zero interest.

They'll get overly anxious when caught up in the traffic leaving Heinz Field. And they'll complain about the new traffic sign - Yes, 279 is now 376.

If we win, they'll proudly exit the stadium yelling, "Here we go Steelers, Here we go!" or singing, "Pittsburgh's goin' to the Superbowl!"

I can't stand these people.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

what of cuntiff?

The Baltimore Ravens have 4 Pro-Bowl selections this year. Linebackers Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs, Safety Ed Reed and Defensive End Haloti Ngata (all are sick). Hmmm, is there anyone who I accidentally omitted? As a matter of fact, it's the kicker. A venerable journeyman of the NFL... I'll give you a hint. His last name rhymes with Cuntiff.

That is correct - Billy Cundiff (K) is the 2011 AFC special teams selection. Many years ago when I played fantasy football*, I selected Cuntiff when he was with Dallas. He kicked 4 field goals in the final game of the season which enabled me to squeak by the other imbeciles and proudly secure a third place finish in the league. I think I won around $400 or so. This basically covered my costs for the season.

Anyway with the Steelers/Ravens divisional game quickly approaching, I think it might be a good idea to remember Cuntiff. At the very least, let us not casually dismiss him. In a game which is almost always decided by a field goal, I fear the awesome power of Cuntiff.

"Riding the heels of Cuntiff" - this reminds of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza tries to simultaneously embrace his two greatest passions: sex and food. While engaging in sex, he dips a pastrami sandwich into a container of spicy mustard. "I got greedy, Jerry. I flew to close to the sun on the wings of pastrami." Jerry flippantly responds, "Yeah, that's what you did."

Could the Steelers be guilty of a failure to acknowledge the heroic power of Cuntiff? Could Cuntiff be the next Adam Viniateri? I love coach Mike Tomlin. He's resolute and determined. I think our team has all the necessary weapons. I just have this sneaking suspicion that if it comes down to the foot of Cuntiff, we are completely fucked. Have you ever been to Heinz field and heard the pin drop? Well I have. Many times.

* I used to play fantasy football back in its infancy. I quickly came to the conclusion that whenever you run into someone in your league, the conversation invariably starts and ends with fantasy football. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Everyone wants to tell you how their players fared. They spout off incessant drivel... Ohhh, Favre had 287 yards and 2 touchdowns. Welker had 7 receptions for 134 yards. Then, you respond with your own stats. Meanwhile, nobody really cares. All the conversations are one-sided. It's just two bozos yapping to a brick wall. The winner of the conversation always seems to be the person who spoke the loudest. Roddy White caught 3 touchdowns! You suck!

I consider fantasy football to be one of the lowest forms of conversation. It's right up there with the weather. The person bagging my groceries inquiries, "I think it's raining outside." I respond, "No, it's bright and sunny." Meanwhile, if the kid turns his head about 60 degrees, he could look outside and witness a torrential downpour. Just like fantasy football - you get to supposedly live vicariously through the stars of the NFL. It's just not for me. Not anymore.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Stop Smoking Bowl

I was checking out all the weird names of the college bowl games. Some of these sponsors are downright bizarre.

Beef O'Brady's Bowl - I had to research this. I assumed it was some kind of canned Dinty Moore Beef Stew product. I don't spend a lot of time in the canned meat aisle with the Chef Boyardee ravioli or sifting through the endless Spaghettio concoctions. So I googled Beef O' Brady and discovered that it's actually an Irish themed pub/restaurant chain. I had no idea. 240 locations based mostly in the South. I'll be damned! Ask me the following, "Saf, where do you want to go for dinner?" I hardly envision myself firing back, "I'm really in the mood for Beef O'Brady's!" It just doesn't sound like something I'd say. Perhaps Rosie O'Donnell says shit like that, but not me.

How about The Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman? What the fuck is that? Why are defense contractors actively involved in college football? Yeah, I know. Army, Navy, Air Force... that I understand. It's a proud tradition. But 10 years from now, I'm guessing we'll see the "Secure the Ramadi Pipeline Bowl presented by Halliburton & Friends" or maybe the "End Genital Mutilation Outreach Bowl." I understand we're a violent nation but does Northrop Grumman really need to invade our living rooms. Truth be told, when the volume level increases dramatically during the commercials, it does sound like bombs going off.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? This one has been around for a while. Where else but downtown Detroit for this dough-based extravaganza of crapulence? No sauce, just garlic salt please. It is dirt cheap though. 5 bucks for a large. I still don't understand the mystery of the "Little Caesars in Woodsdale at the top of Chicken Neck Hill." I do like the sound of that. Seriously though, what the fuck is going on? That place folded in 1992 and then almost 20 years later, it makes a triumphant return to the exact same location. Who's behind this Pizza Pizza madness? Who's responsible for plaguing my mind with this Julius Caesar cartoon character? Portraying him as a benevolent endorser of shitty pizza when he was more likely a ruthless military leader who presided over the "games" (senseless killings for the sole purpose of entertainment).

And how about the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl? If I owned a company and bought the naming rights, I wouldn't name it the Saferstein Atheist Jew Bowl. I realize that you're proud of your family and their rise to dominance in the crowded hotel/motel marketplace. I get it. But why would you want to actively advertise the "gay" part? The first thing it makes me think of is Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents. When he's asked, So your name's Gaylord Focker? So your name is Gay Focker? I'll be the first to admit - I'm very supportive of gay rights, but this sponsor makes me want to bring back a "don't ask, don't tell, don't advertise" perspective. Maybe there should be a "Fag Hag Trojan Condom Bowl." Secure that niche on behalf of all those queens who hang with the hot chicks at the techno-bars.

There's also the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl. If I were in charge, this one's a no-brainer. The name would immediately be changed to Poulan Weed-Whacker Bowl. It would make for some great slogans. Maybe some kind of nationwide masturbation contest during halftime. Bring out Pee Wee Herman to the 50 yard line and let him do his thing. I'm surprised more celebrities haven't been caught up in the solo whacking dragnet. Maybe in my lifetime, public masturbation will becum socially acceptable. Dare to dream...

Another one quickly approaching is the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. Yes! Kraft is here with a tray of sharp cheddar. They will do their damndest to stop hunger nationwide. Kind of ironic considering that the United States boasts the largest percentage of morbidly obese people who suffer from malnutrition. Maybe they should team up with Beef O' Brady's. Perhaps they already have. Or better yet, maybe they could team up with the 19th Ho and smother more cheese on that monster basket of french fries. And yes, I want the spattering of baco-bits and extra ranch dressing. I'm reminded of a luncheon at the Swing Club about 5 years ago when one of my friends said, and I quote, "I'll have the Cheeseburger Pleaser Platter with Extra Cheese, Please!" I'm not going to name names on this one. But I did have the equivalent of an epileptic seizure. I still shake violently every time I walk through the door of that trendy Fulton hot spot.

So what's your point Saf? Don't you usually have some kind of overriding theme? Well as a matter of fact, I jew. Sorry, I meant to say "I do." And here it is...

I think Chantix should secure the rights to one of these bowls. For those who are unfamiliar with Chantix, it's a pill designed to help people quit smoking. I'm pretty sure it's manufactured and distributed by Pfizer. My point - you could call it the


And it would coincide perfectly with the time around New Years when everyone makes their stop smoking cigarettes resolutions. This would have REAL advertising power. You could design the commercials around real testimonials from people who are going to quit smoking during the bowl game. Why wait til New Years? This would make for an incredibly strong marketing gimmick. And it would secure the dominance of Chanitx in the marketplace. If I were going to quit smoking*, I'd probably jump on board the Chantix lovetrain. Fuck Nicorette. Hey, that would make a great name for a baby on Maury Povich paternity testing. In the case of 5 month old Nicoretta, you are NOT the father!

Also, it makes a pharmaceutical company appear to be actively concerned with the social fabric of society on the heels of an inevitable Wikileaks mass destruction campaign. After Julian Assange sodomizes Bank of America and the other venerable monetary institutions, his future intentions are clear. He plans to penetrate the drug pushers. Man, I love this guy. What a complete bad ass. He really is one man changing the planet earth. The epitome of all that shit I yap about, specifically the marginalization of the power of the state, the decentralization of authority, and most importantly, the sudden shift in the rising power of random individuals. It makes me think of another Bowl game - the Bowl.

Julian Assange. You are the daddy (Maury Povich style)! And the studio audience rises to their feet, "Go Daddy Go! Go Daddy Go!" Perhaps there's a place for Maury Povich in some of this bowl congested nonsense. Then again, maybe someday they'll have a bowl playoff system. Yeah right! If you really think that's ever going to happen, you should probably stick with the Ford vs. Chevy debate. Stay in your comfort zone, asshole.

* - I smoked Marlboro Lights for about 10 years (1990-2000). I quit cold turkey the day after the 2000 Superbowl when the Ravens dismantled the Giants. The day after the Superbowl is the best time to quit smoking. Because there's nothing that happens in this god-forsaken town for an entire month. At least that's my theory. I have other psychological strategies that worked. Feel free to ask. I don't feel like typing anymore.

And just an aside - it's wildcard weekend. Could this be the first time you witness all 4 upsets in the first round? Seattle (+10) and Kansas City (+3) - (both home underdogs) and the Jets (+2.5) and the Pack (+2.5) - light upsets on the road. I ran the numbers and if you parlay all 4 upsets, it's a 64-1 shot. I don't think it's going to happen, but if there were ever an occasion for all 4 underdogs, it's this year. Fuck all of them. Go Stillers n'at.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

idea for recently elected Tea Party rep.

I watched some of the reading of the constitution on the U.S. House floor. I realize it's all a facade for the American public, particularly the rabid fans of the fiscally conservative Tea party. But the underlying message is a credible one. Our elected politicians shouldn't be spending money they don't have. Of course, I haven't seen anyone stand up and say they want to slice a chunk out of the big 3 (national defense, medicare and social security). It's so much easier to rail against runaway spending when it comes to silly sounding stuff - like studying the mating habits of the Asian silkworm or whether there's some correlation between nipple size and foot odor.

But it got me to thinking... If I was one of these newly elected officials and I wanted to make a quick name for myself, what would I do? Well, I would go before the entire House of Representatives with the following proposal. I would call for legislation to eliminate the heating and cooling gas bill for the entire U.S. House. You simply are going to turn off the thermostat for a period of ONE YEAR.

I'd argue that the bill is probably about somewhere in the neighborhood of 2-3 million per year. After all, it's a pretty big structure. When I made the speech I would explain how it's far more than just a symbolic gesture. This would surely resonate with mainstream America which feels that all their taxpayer dollars are being flushed down the toilet. I'd say things like this...

1) "Hey, this isn't our house. It's the peoples' house. There's plenty of Americans who are having trouble paying their gas bills. And this place has a decent roof. I think we can all live for a year wearing coats in the winter and short sleeves in the summer. So what if we shiver or sweat a little bit. Maybe that would be a good thing for some Congressional reps, the vast majority are multi-millionaires that live comfortably. Maybe the lack of climate control will knock some sense into everyone who fills this venerable institution.

2) Maybe the cold or the heat could act as a continual reminder to be more responsible with the U.S. taxpayer dollar.

3) It's time to put a stop to all this earmark bashing, especially the ones which may sound trivial or amusing. All that makes for a great sound byte but does nothing to curb real government runaway spending. Rather than defund some aquarium in rural Idaho, let's start right here in DC for a change before we look elsewhere.

4) There are plenty of Americans who work under conditions far worse than us. Maybe it will help guide our collective thinking when it comes to legislation which affect the daily lives of our constituents.

Of course, you'd be hated by most of your fellow House members but no politician in their right mind would publicly come out and oppose your bill. You would instantly become the darling of Fox News. Guaranteed. And it would make for a great stepping stone to higher political office as well.

The prevailing anti-DC/inner Beltway climate has never offered a better opportunity. And especially in this day of congressional images and notorious sound blips, it would be a huge hit with the American public. Seriously, Michelle Bachmann should try this one. Right up her alley. Very Palinesque - virtually no substance but plenty of bang for your buck.

Imagine - every time someone gets up to address the House, the American public would notice their attire. And you would be given all the credit for the foreseeable future. I think this idea has a shitload of merit but it has to be the right kind of person who throws it out there. Darrell Issa (R-CA)? No. It's much better suited for one of the "newly elected, self-described independent" teabaggers or maybe someone on the far left like Dennis Kucinich.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

my playoff bracket

Just in case I win my own playoff pool, I thought it would be wise to post my picks.

Wildcard round

Ravens over Chiefs
Colts over Jets
Saints over Seahawks
Eagles over Packers

Divisional Round

Patriots over Ravens
Steelers over Colts
Falcons over Saints
Eagles over Bears

AFC/NFC Championship

Steelers over Patriots
Falcons over Eagles


Steelers over Falcons (of course)
Tiebreaker - 44

Had to go with the home team. Playoffs are wide open on both sides. I like the fact that the Pats will likely play the Ravens or the Jets - the only 2 teams that can beat them at Gillette Stadium, or I'm hoping - soften them up.
At the beginning of the year, I thought it would be Steelers vs. Packers. But I like the idea of the Superbowl being a rematch of the season opener that we won in OT (15-9). Seems almost like destiny.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

$330 Mega-Millions jackpot

If there's one thing I have contempt for, it's these national lotteries. Yes, I understand the premise. Some mentally deficient human will always come up to me and utter that magical phrase, "Saf, if you don't play, you can't win!"

Well, this may surprise you but I have participated in this imbecilic charade. In my entire life, I've purchased a grand total of 3 tickets. Not exactly sure why I felt compelled. I know each time it was over $250 million. I'm hardly a statistician, but I would presume that the higher the jackpot, the more likely is the possibility of multiple winners (or I prefer, wieners). I checked out their website and historically I appear to be on solid ground. So the higher it gets, the less you'll probably win.

Oddly enough, there are 7 unrelated states that don't offer the Megamillions Crackpot. Utah (for obvious Mormonic/religilous reasons), Nevada (probably don't want to discourage participation in the real gambling industry), and then 4 states down south (MS, AL, FL and LA). There's one other state out west - I think it's Nebraska. Nonetheless, all the other states have obediently fallen in line.

I remember when that idiot businessman (and millionaire) Jack Whitaker from central WV won over a hundred million a decade ago. Shortly thereafter, he had a quarter million stolen from his car while it was parked outside a strip bar. Then his granddaughter overdosed and he got either one or two DUI's. I'd like to say my heart went out to him, but it did not even slightly veer in his direction. I thought 3 things about him were of interest.

1) He allegedly promised to donate 10% of his winnings to build some new churches. Hey, just what's needed in the middle of West Virginia - MORE CHURCHES.

2) He explained his complex rationale for buying exactly 100 tickets. You see - every time the jackpot gets above 100 million, he would buy 100 tickets to improve his chances. What's truly humorous is that surely thousands of other lottery junkies have subscribed to this brilliant mathematical theory.

3) The guy was already a financial success. He owned some kind of contracting company with plenty of employees. How ironic that his new found financial windfall would destroy his previously existing business and decimate all those whom he employed.

I'm guess I'm just sickened by the way these government sponsored lotteries prey on the naive and mostly poor. Seriously, the vast majority of people who blow money on these tickets have no business participating. Fortunately, the U.S. government is here to explain which types of gambling are okay -

Church bingo - check. That money goes for a good cause (solidifying the comfort of pedophile priests).
Gambling on sports - nope. Only if you are physically present in the state of Nevada. But if you set up an internet account in Zanesville, Ohio and then the server is in Costa Rica... Well yes, then it's fine.
How about table games like blackjack and poker? We'll let the individual states figure that one out, piece by piece (Tom Araya - Slayer).

Back in the 90's when these multi-state lotteries took off, I vaguely recall one particular drawing. Not sure what the jackpot total was, but I remember all these yinzers from Pennsylvania crossing the border into West Virginia to buy their reams of tickets. The local news covered this spectacle. There was a 2 hour line outside the Dallas Pike Truck Stop. All the trained minions dutifully, patiently stood in line. Ohhh, imagine the shit I could buy with a hundred million dollars. I could get a pick up truck elevated 10 feet off the ground. Each tire would be larger than a pinball machine. For vacation this year, we're going to Myrtle Beach AND Ocean City.

So why the huge line in Dallas Pike? Well, because it was the closest site in WV. Never mind you could drive another 4 minutes and buy tickets from any of the other dozen empty retail outlets. They needed to be where the action is. Sounds like that's in keeping with the lottery mentality.

The other thing I like about the lottery is that roughly half of all jackpot winners end up declaring bankruptcy. How fitting. And it has very little to do with the size of the jackpot. Just goes to prove that you can win 1 million, 10 million or 100 million and still end up going broke. Why? Because the lottery does not teach responsibility. In fact, the entire premise of the lottery is that it feeds off irresponsibility and the never ending quest for unabashed materialism.

I also like how everyone opts for the lump sum. I need it all - in the form of one "show me the money" orgasmic cum shot. But Billy Bob, out of the 120 million, after taxes you're going to sacrifice your claim on 40 million dollars. But hey, he needs to construct mega-mansions for all his immediate family. Even his 2 sons that failed the paternity tests. Billy Bob, you are NOT the father of the twins DeShawn and Trayshawn. Oh my god! How could that be?

I remember back in 2001, a journalist interviewed an Afghani villager and asked him what he would do with the 25 million dollar reward for information leading to the capture of Osama Bin Laden. He gasped, "25 million dollars??? You could buy 100 cows!!!" Nonetheless, I think this Talibani farmer may have had a better grasp on reality than most Americans who participate in the MegaMillions.

It's just something about how the citizens of our country respond and react to various stimuli. We're often thrown a variety of bones and the vast majority of American idiots salivate like Pavlovian dogs. It could be anything from Lady Gaga tickets to a lock of Justin Bieber's newly grown pubic hair. Perhaps an autographed dildo that was used to sodomize Paris Hilton or maybe Michael Vick's favorite set of jumper cables he used to kill his fleet of pit bulls. As long as it's something to break the monotony.

So in keeping with the theories and axioms of anti-Saf, I'll purchase one lottery ticket tonight. Probably from the Alpha. Wish me luck. If I win, I'll read this blog entry at the press conference before the entire country. Then, I'll go off on some twisted, taunting rant about how an atheist Jew won the big one. All you born-again churchies can collectively suck it! Wish me luck.