Tuesday, January 11, 2011

what of cuntiff?

The Baltimore Ravens have 4 Pro-Bowl selections this year. Linebackers Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs, Safety Ed Reed and Defensive End Haloti Ngata (all are sick). Hmmm, is there anyone who I accidentally omitted? As a matter of fact, it's the kicker. A venerable journeyman of the NFL... I'll give you a hint. His last name rhymes with Cuntiff.

That is correct - Billy Cundiff (K) is the 2011 AFC special teams selection. Many years ago when I played fantasy football*, I selected Cuntiff when he was with Dallas. He kicked 4 field goals in the final game of the season which enabled me to squeak by the other imbeciles and proudly secure a third place finish in the league. I think I won around $400 or so. This basically covered my costs for the season.

Anyway with the Steelers/Ravens divisional game quickly approaching, I think it might be a good idea to remember Cuntiff. At the very least, let us not casually dismiss him. In a game which is almost always decided by a field goal, I fear the awesome power of Cuntiff.

"Riding the heels of Cuntiff" - this reminds of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza tries to simultaneously embrace his two greatest passions: sex and food. While engaging in sex, he dips a pastrami sandwich into a container of spicy mustard. "I got greedy, Jerry. I flew to close to the sun on the wings of pastrami." Jerry flippantly responds, "Yeah, that's what you did."

Could the Steelers be guilty of a failure to acknowledge the heroic power of Cuntiff? Could Cuntiff be the next Adam Viniateri? I love coach Mike Tomlin. He's resolute and determined. I think our team has all the necessary weapons. I just have this sneaking suspicion that if it comes down to the foot of Cuntiff, we are completely fucked. Have you ever been to Heinz field and heard the pin drop? Well I have. Many times.

* I used to play fantasy football back in its infancy. I quickly came to the conclusion that whenever you run into someone in your league, the conversation invariably starts and ends with fantasy football. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Everyone wants to tell you how their players fared. They spout off incessant drivel... Ohhh, Favre had 287 yards and 2 touchdowns. Welker had 7 receptions for 134 yards. Then, you respond with your own stats. Meanwhile, nobody really cares. All the conversations are one-sided. It's just two bozos yapping to a brick wall. The winner of the conversation always seems to be the person who spoke the loudest. Roddy White caught 3 touchdowns! You suck!

I consider fantasy football to be one of the lowest forms of conversation. It's right up there with the weather. The person bagging my groceries inquiries, "I think it's raining outside." I respond, "No, it's bright and sunny." Meanwhile, if the kid turns his head about 60 degrees, he could look outside and witness a torrential downpour. Just like fantasy football - you get to supposedly live vicariously through the stars of the NFL. It's just not for me. Not anymore.

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